Hypocrisy leaves me tied in knots...

It is very difficult for me to ask for help, for a few reasons.  One, I was brought up in an environment where weakness was frowned upon.  Two, more often than not, when I ask for help I do not receive it or receive it begrudgingly.


I am an independent woman.  Not necessarily because I want to be, but because I have to be.  For more than 13 years I lived alone and not near family.  I counted on friends when I could, but most of the time it was only me that I could rely on.  Because of this, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to ask for help because I have been doing it myself for so long.  But, I do know my limitations--I ask for help when I cannot do it myself or alone.  


This leads me to my current frustration.  I am a person who needs a comfortable nest to relax in and feel peaceful at home.  This means that I need everything to be organized and in their place, among other things.  I recently moved in with a roommate for the first time in over 15 years, so this is doubly important that I find comfort at home.  Today, I tripped on boxes and while sitting on the floor I had to push back tears of frustration because I asked not one, not two, but three male humans to help me and nearly 8 weeks later I have still not received help. 


I have been told I am too independent and prickly (i.e., not soft and vulnerable) quite often by my father (the first person whom I asked).  So I ask him for help, because I truly need it.  But, if I keep asking, I am a naggy bitch.  So, I wait for a few weeks because I know he is busy.  But, because I am feeling anxious because things are not put away, I ask a friend.  He gives an excuse, but offers no other alternative time or method.  To me this means he does not want to help me.  If I push this issue, I am a psycho bitch.  Finally, earlier this week, I asked an acquaintance to help me.  He couldn't because his girlfriend does not like me.  (I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts on that).  I can't push that issue because then I am feminist bitch or a scheming bitch depending on your take....


So I am stuck.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  For years I have been told I am not feminine enough for reasons, like I don't ask for help and often turn down offers of it.  But, when I need help and ask for it...I don't get it.  So why would I ask for help?  Here is the hypocrisy....all these men make judgement on me because I am not the feminine ideal...but when I behave in that manner, they are not there to rescue me and be the strong, helpful man I need them to be...so really...why bother?


I guess I have to figure this out on my own....as usual....






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