To be fair...this situation is exactly why men say women are so complicated. I told my male friend to stop talking to me so much for two reasons...only one of which I gave him. As I said before one reason was because I felt it was unfair to the other girl for us to be communicating and seeing each other so much. The other reason is what makes it so complicated. I know I told him to stop talking so much and even ignored him to help him to understand....but now I "unfriended" him because he didn't check on me after Kato died. I can imagine how confusing it was to him...he tried to reach out and be there...but he was seeing his girlfriend...I was not going to mess with that...so I told him I didn't want him to call me when he got there. When he asked what happened, I was at a state that I couldn't text it and he was told I didn't want to talk about it right then. He was giving me what I wanted in terms of space...but (here is where the confusion for him comes in) I still wanted him to check and make sure I was ok. I wanted him to text or email when he got back "how are you doing?". I wanted to know that my friend cared. He is not a mind reader....but how do I communicate that? This is what it is like being a girl. I just needed some form of support...but the kind he was giving... I cut him off. I wish I could explain it better...but this is how I feel...no matter how unfair or confusing to him. I don't know how or if it can be fixed.
But the other part of this is my biggest issue (with me and not him). I fell in love with him. He does not know this...how could he? The one and only other time this happened to me...my heart was desiccated. When I realized how I felt, it scared me to my core. I had no idea how to navigate our friendship. I pushed back and put up a wall. So when he started dating someone else, I was devastated. I tried to remain friends with him...but it was more and more difficult. I couldn't do it. I was happy for him and sad for me at the same time. I know that men and women cannot be friends...but I tried to make it work. So that's why when he didn't check on me I was so hurt. I was unfairly expecting more...but I am not what he wants--he has told me so many times directly and indirectly. I had to save my heart because it would never recover. I miss his friendship deeply, but in time it will heal.
I am trying to figure out how to navigate the issue with my female friend. We have been friends for over 20 years. I am so hurt that she is not trying to communicate with me and ignoring my texts. Maybe this is why it happened. For me to review my friendships.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
When did my life start fitting a country song?
I am disappointed, dismayed, disturbed... (and apparently addicted to alliteration--LOL!!)
I never thought my life would mimic a country song...but alas it has.... I have had two friends whom I would have at one time considered two of my closest and dearest friends, but over the last three years for one and one year for the other have been wondering why we are friends. I know both of them have selfish tendencies and can at times be self-absorbed (can't we all?); but I knew that about them and accepted them as they were for I know I have things about me that are annoying...this is friendship. But when you realize that you are carrying the brunt of the friendship and if you stopped communication they wouldn't notice for a while...or even re-start it themselves, you start to question things. With both of them, I have felt greatly taken advantage of recently.
So what has made this a country song kind of life? My dog died. I have been devastated, heart broken and an all out mess. My dog was nearly a part of me....we were rarely apart. He was my constant companion.
So what happened? The female friend has barely spoken to me. I know she knows she shares some of the blame in what happened to Kato. But for two days I didn't receive so much as a text. I reached out...at a time like this I needed my friends and family desperately...but I have started every text conversation over the past few days (but one)...she has made almost no effort. She doesn't even ask how I am doing until I ask her first. The only text she sent was that she was worried that we wouldn't be friends anymore and how that would kill her if that happened. Really? I'm barely functioning and you are worried if we are still friends because of HOW IT WILL EFFECT YOU??? Really? How about me? I'm the one who is dealing with the death of my companion...the one who had to be alone with his body for 30 minutes until my uncle could come and help. (my parents were out of town). How about ASKING HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING??!?!?
The male friend, I had been pulling away from because I felt I was getting in the way of the relationship with his girlfriend. But I thought we were still friends. I used to tell him my thoughts, I didn't think people turned caring off. I reached out when I was alone with my dog, waiting.... He got back to me and wanted to know what happened....not how are you doing or anything. Admittedly, he has a penis so really getting it is probably out.... He was also going to see his girlfriend. He nicely offered to call when he got to her house...No...I will not get into the middle of your weekend. But stupidly, I expected him to show some care when he got back into town. Did I receive a text? an e-mail? a visit? Asking me how I was doing? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Some friend....I know you had the best weekend of your life...but 30 seconds of care, of time for a friend in the time of need? Apparently that's too much to ask. Whatever.
I struggle with why I keep people like this around me. I am coming to a point in my life that I have to cut who is bringing me down, not supporting me, etc... I am too old to give 19th chances. I have to do what is best for me...not matter how much it hurts. Ending the friendship with the male friend was fairly uncomplicated since we are not speaking to each other....but not easy. The female friend will not be so easy either. We have 20 years of friendship where we have had bumps in the road...but really...at a time like this...where it really matters...when you really need someone to care because you feel like you are falling apart.... it's like that song...at a time like this...you find out who your friends are...
This is where the rubber meets the road This is where the cream is gonna rise This is what you really didn't know This is where the truth don't lie
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are Somebody's gonna drop everything Run out and crank up their car Hit the gas, get there fast Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart You find out who your friends are
Everybody wants to slap your back wants to shake your hand when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who's around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end This ain't where the bandwagon stops This is just one of those times when A lot of folks jump off
[Chorus]
When the water's high When the weather's not so fair When the well runs dry Who's gonna be there?
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are (yeah, yeah) You find out who your friends are
Run your car off the side of the road Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere (Well man, I've been there) Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I've been there)
Man, I've been there Oooh yeah.
I never thought my life would mimic a country song...but alas it has.... I have had two friends whom I would have at one time considered two of my closest and dearest friends, but over the last three years for one and one year for the other have been wondering why we are friends. I know both of them have selfish tendencies and can at times be self-absorbed (can't we all?); but I knew that about them and accepted them as they were for I know I have things about me that are annoying...this is friendship. But when you realize that you are carrying the brunt of the friendship and if you stopped communication they wouldn't notice for a while...or even re-start it themselves, you start to question things. With both of them, I have felt greatly taken advantage of recently.
So what has made this a country song kind of life? My dog died. I have been devastated, heart broken and an all out mess. My dog was nearly a part of me....we were rarely apart. He was my constant companion.
So what happened? The female friend has barely spoken to me. I know she knows she shares some of the blame in what happened to Kato. But for two days I didn't receive so much as a text. I reached out...at a time like this I needed my friends and family desperately...but I have started every text conversation over the past few days (but one)...she has made almost no effort. She doesn't even ask how I am doing until I ask her first. The only text she sent was that she was worried that we wouldn't be friends anymore and how that would kill her if that happened. Really? I'm barely functioning and you are worried if we are still friends because of HOW IT WILL EFFECT YOU??? Really? How about me? I'm the one who is dealing with the death of my companion...the one who had to be alone with his body for 30 minutes until my uncle could come and help. (my parents were out of town). How about ASKING HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING??!?!?
The male friend, I had been pulling away from because I felt I was getting in the way of the relationship with his girlfriend. But I thought we were still friends. I used to tell him my thoughts, I didn't think people turned caring off. I reached out when I was alone with my dog, waiting.... He got back to me and wanted to know what happened....not how are you doing or anything. Admittedly, he has a penis so really getting it is probably out.... He was also going to see his girlfriend. He nicely offered to call when he got to her house...No...I will not get into the middle of your weekend. But stupidly, I expected him to show some care when he got back into town. Did I receive a text? an e-mail? a visit? Asking me how I was doing? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Some friend....I know you had the best weekend of your life...but 30 seconds of care, of time for a friend in the time of need? Apparently that's too much to ask. Whatever.
I struggle with why I keep people like this around me. I am coming to a point in my life that I have to cut who is bringing me down, not supporting me, etc... I am too old to give 19th chances. I have to do what is best for me...not matter how much it hurts. Ending the friendship with the male friend was fairly uncomplicated since we are not speaking to each other....but not easy. The female friend will not be so easy either. We have 20 years of friendship where we have had bumps in the road...but really...at a time like this...where it really matters...when you really need someone to care because you feel like you are falling apart.... it's like that song...at a time like this...you find out who your friends are...
Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fareThis is where the rubber meets the road This is where the cream is gonna rise This is what you really didn't know This is where the truth don't lie
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are Somebody's gonna drop everything Run out and crank up their car Hit the gas, get there fast Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart You find out who your friends are
Everybody wants to slap your back wants to shake your hand when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who's around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end This ain't where the bandwagon stops This is just one of those times when A lot of folks jump off
[Chorus]
When the water's high When the weather's not so fair When the well runs dry Who's gonna be there?
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are (yeah, yeah) You find out who your friends are
Run your car off the side of the road Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere (Well man, I've been there) Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I've been there)
Man, I've been there Oooh yeah.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
You see....Harry was right after all...
I know that I deluded myself in my youth that men and women can be friends with no issues. I am not sure how that fact and it's relation to the the single most traumatic event in my dating career was partially forgotten for a while. I know, this is what deluding yourself means...but still! I thought I was smarter than that!
Once upon a time I was told they were "just friends" and since I was falsely secure in the relationship, I felt I had nothing to worry about. But Sarah Adair changed all of that. Recently, I found myself in the "Sarah" position and I couldn't stand it. How could I be friends when all the time I was worrying if it would hurt the girlfriend? I know it is not my job to worry about it...it is his... but having experienced the pain from the other end of it...I wanted to make sure she wasn't inadvertently hurt by anything I said or did. No one deserves this. As the unease grew, so did my realization that Harry was right...men and women cannot truly be just friends...someone always gets hurt in the end. This time, like the last time, it was me. But at least I feel more at peace because I know it was the right thing to do!
Once upon a time I was told they were "just friends" and since I was falsely secure in the relationship, I felt I had nothing to worry about. But Sarah Adair changed all of that. Recently, I found myself in the "Sarah" position and I couldn't stand it. How could I be friends when all the time I was worrying if it would hurt the girlfriend? I know it is not my job to worry about it...it is his... but having experienced the pain from the other end of it...I wanted to make sure she wasn't inadvertently hurt by anything I said or did. No one deserves this. As the unease grew, so did my realization that Harry was right...men and women cannot truly be just friends...someone always gets hurt in the end. This time, like the last time, it was me. But at least I feel more at peace because I know it was the right thing to do!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Hypocrisy leaves me tied in knots...
It is very difficult for me to ask for help, for a few reasons. One, I was brought up in an environment where weakness was frowned upon. Two, more often than not, when I ask for help I do not receive it or receive it begrudgingly.
I am an independent woman. Not necessarily because I want to be, but because I have to be. For more than 13 years I lived alone and not near family. I counted on friends when I could, but most of the time it was only me that I could rely on. Because of this, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to ask for help because I have been doing it myself for so long. But, I do know my limitations--I ask for help when I cannot do it myself or alone.
This leads me to my current frustration. I am a person who needs a comfortable nest to relax in and feel peaceful at home. This means that I need everything to be organized and in their place, among other things. I recently moved in with a roommate for the first time in over 15 years, so this is doubly important that I find comfort at home. Today, I tripped on boxes and while sitting on the floor I had to push back tears of frustration because I asked not one, not two, but three male humans to help me and nearly 8 weeks later I have still not received help.
I have been told I am too independent and prickly (i.e., not soft and vulnerable) quite often by my father (the first person whom I asked). So I ask him for help, because I truly need it. But, if I keep asking, I am a naggy bitch. So, I wait for a few weeks because I know he is busy. But, because I am feeling anxious because things are not put away, I ask a friend. He gives an excuse, but offers no other alternative time or method. To me this means he does not want to help me. If I push this issue, I am a psycho bitch. Finally, earlier this week, I asked an acquaintance to help me. He couldn't because his girlfriend does not like me. (I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts on that). I can't push that issue because then I am feminist bitch or a scheming bitch depending on your take....
So I am stuck. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. For years I have been told I am not feminine enough for reasons, like I don't ask for help and often turn down offers of it. But, when I need help and ask for it...I don't get it. So why would I ask for help? Here is the hypocrisy....all these men make judgement on me because I am not the feminine ideal...but when I behave in that manner, they are not there to rescue me and be the strong, helpful man I need them to be...so really...why bother?
I guess I have to figure this out on my own....as usual....
.
I am an independent woman. Not necessarily because I want to be, but because I have to be. For more than 13 years I lived alone and not near family. I counted on friends when I could, but most of the time it was only me that I could rely on. Because of this, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to ask for help because I have been doing it myself for so long. But, I do know my limitations--I ask for help when I cannot do it myself or alone.
This leads me to my current frustration. I am a person who needs a comfortable nest to relax in and feel peaceful at home. This means that I need everything to be organized and in their place, among other things. I recently moved in with a roommate for the first time in over 15 years, so this is doubly important that I find comfort at home. Today, I tripped on boxes and while sitting on the floor I had to push back tears of frustration because I asked not one, not two, but three male humans to help me and nearly 8 weeks later I have still not received help.
I have been told I am too independent and prickly (i.e., not soft and vulnerable) quite often by my father (the first person whom I asked). So I ask him for help, because I truly need it. But, if I keep asking, I am a naggy bitch. So, I wait for a few weeks because I know he is busy. But, because I am feeling anxious because things are not put away, I ask a friend. He gives an excuse, but offers no other alternative time or method. To me this means he does not want to help me. If I push this issue, I am a psycho bitch. Finally, earlier this week, I asked an acquaintance to help me. He couldn't because his girlfriend does not like me. (I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts on that). I can't push that issue because then I am feminist bitch or a scheming bitch depending on your take....
So I am stuck. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. For years I have been told I am not feminine enough for reasons, like I don't ask for help and often turn down offers of it. But, when I need help and ask for it...I don't get it. So why would I ask for help? Here is the hypocrisy....all these men make judgement on me because I am not the feminine ideal...but when I behave in that manner, they are not there to rescue me and be the strong, helpful man I need them to be...so really...why bother?
I guess I have to figure this out on my own....as usual....
.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Narcissick
I have always loved the song Narccisick by the Ragbirds...it is a fantastic representation of the negative side of narcissism...(at least I always viewed narcissism as about "how awesome I am")
which I never would have categorized myself....but really I am a narcissist.....
I tend to think the bad, annoying, frustrating or other negative behaviors elicited by others are because of me. I.e., "they are avoiding me, ignoring me, mad at me...." while on the flipside when nice, wonderful things happen...I tend to downplay it. "They would do that for anyone....it's not a special thing...."
so what does this mean? Basically, I have become self-absorbed in my quest to change the negative to a positive.....and really I haven't come as far as I thought.... it seems my new found 2.0ness may be a bit superficial....
which I never would have categorized myself....but really I am a narcissist.....
I tend to think the bad, annoying, frustrating or other negative behaviors elicited by others are because of me. I.e., "they are avoiding me, ignoring me, mad at me...." while on the flipside when nice, wonderful things happen...I tend to downplay it. "They would do that for anyone....it's not a special thing...."
so what does this mean? Basically, I have become self-absorbed in my quest to change the negative to a positive.....and really I haven't come as far as I thought.... it seems my new found 2.0ness may be a bit superficial....
Friday, September 30, 2011
a time for reflection...the pot is much blacker than the kettle
Sadly, I am reminded of a Michael Jackson song.....Man in the Mirror. I do like this song for it's message...but I always thought I was above being petty and judgmental. After this interesting week of reflection, I realized that I am a hypocrite.
Recently, we have had a run on the 5 Love Languages book at the store. I admit that I have a copy somewhere from a church bible study years ago...but I barely skimmed it. I felt the book was geared toward married couples...and I wasn't in a relationship...so how would that be relevant? I actually think I skipped a class on it because I was sick of hearing how this helped their marriage...blah, blah, blah. It was difficult enough being the only single person in the bible study to begin with. Well, I accidentally pulled the Singles Version off the shelf for a customer. I didn't even know they made one....after a year and a half of organizing and straightening, I had never really looked at this book on my shelf.
So, I decided to give it a try....I took a deep breath, set aside my preconceptions and read it. I liked that the book focused on all sorts of relationships from family to friends to coworkers. I realize that it is basically the same information in the other book, just packaged differently....but I guess that is what I needed.
It makes total sense to me why I just needed to hear certain things. It makes total sense now why I had frustrations with my family and friends. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was just that we spoke different languages. I began to try to figure out my family and friends...because I understand how not receiving messages in the language that is strongest makes me feel. As I tried to figure it out...I realized that so many people have been communicating that they care about me...but I didn't see it. Upon reflection, I realized that I have been, in essence, a hypocritical, selfish bitch. What's worse...is that I have recently accused someone of believing the world revolved around them... and me being the pot in this situation...apparently has thought that about myself as well. Why is it sometimes so hard to know ourselves?
Throughout this blog I have been lamenting this feeling that I am not enough...or I am too much... Not really accepting responsibility for it...for placing blame on others.... that is supremely easier isn't it? But that doesn't make it true.
This revelation makes me rueful. In the past month alone...
* a friend was kind enough to wake up early, drive her car to do something with me because I wanted to and didn't want to do it alone--how did I repay her? When she really wanted to take some silly pictures...I refused...and made a joke about it. Which inadvertently hurt her feelings! Yep--what a bitch--it was all about me, me, me!
*My mother passed on a compliment that my father had said...and I dismissed it, because I couldn't believe it. I even made some comment about it and all of this after my father had generously picked up my dog and watched him when he had a lot of stuff to do. Ungratefulness! Bitchiness! No wonder I am not daddy's little girl!
*Because I was so focused on what I needed, I did not show the true appreciation I felt for a friend helping me when I thought I hurt my dog. He even mentioned it in defense...but did I acknowledge? Nope! I prattled on about not getting acknowledgement! Hypocrisy abounds!
So, as you can imagine...I feel awful. I truly care about my friends and family and am so grateful that they are there for me....even when I am prickly. I am making an effort to show each of them how much I care, in the language they speak (if I can figure it out). I am going to be apologizing and making it up to them in some fashion. It may not be much....but honestly, I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the support and love of my friends and family....and hopefully these baby steps will help make up for it.
I said before that no woman is an island....well, watch out.... I am trying to get rid of my crocodiles!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
thoughts on selfishness
I don't think of myself as overly selfish...but as someone recently pointed out to me ...I am incredibly selfish. I am trying to wrap my head around that. I think there is some truth to that... everyone is at least a little selfish, some are much better at averting it.
I never thought of myself as a user either...but that was the other comment.
I used my friends for my own selfish needs. When you write it out...it sounds awful. But in reality, that is the definition of friendship. I need help with something, my friend helps me. then vice versa....it is a mutually beneficial relationship....because if it wasn't one or both would walk away... it sounds so callous to say it that way...but really it is.
And yes it is selfish to want my friends to appreciate, reassure, support me in a way that makes me feel cared about. But, they want the exact same thing from me. I have to remember to not lose sight of this within myself....and remember that they need it too... I would love to be the great, noble person who only gives, never needs anything...but, I am not.
I sat in Bible study the other day, completely rocked by this concept....focusing on the other. Over the past year, I have been completely focused on myself. 2.0 and all of that! I guess I only do things to the extreme. When really, this was just a surface dusting. I have so much farther to go to be truly positive, grateful and giving. This is the difficult thing of my place in life right now...and I fear I have no idea how to proceed. How do I show those I care about that I care, and be there for them...without losing myself? How do I focus on personal growth without missing what is happening right in front of me? I know in this past week alone, I was so focused on my feelings that I missed an awesome opportunity to truly thank someone for the kindness they paid me, and telling thim how much it meant to me.
I am a black and white person living in the grey area...and I am completely out of my element. How does one get to be this age of adulthood and not be able to function outside of the extremes?
I never thought of myself as a user either...but that was the other comment.
I used my friends for my own selfish needs. When you write it out...it sounds awful. But in reality, that is the definition of friendship. I need help with something, my friend helps me. then vice versa....it is a mutually beneficial relationship....because if it wasn't one or both would walk away... it sounds so callous to say it that way...but really it is.
And yes it is selfish to want my friends to appreciate, reassure, support me in a way that makes me feel cared about. But, they want the exact same thing from me. I have to remember to not lose sight of this within myself....and remember that they need it too... I would love to be the great, noble person who only gives, never needs anything...but, I am not.
I sat in Bible study the other day, completely rocked by this concept....focusing on the other. Over the past year, I have been completely focused on myself. 2.0 and all of that! I guess I only do things to the extreme. When really, this was just a surface dusting. I have so much farther to go to be truly positive, grateful and giving. This is the difficult thing of my place in life right now...and I fear I have no idea how to proceed. How do I show those I care about that I care, and be there for them...without losing myself? How do I focus on personal growth without missing what is happening right in front of me? I know in this past week alone, I was so focused on my feelings that I missed an awesome opportunity to truly thank someone for the kindness they paid me, and telling thim how much it meant to me.
I am a black and white person living in the grey area...and I am completely out of my element. How does one get to be this age of adulthood and not be able to function outside of the extremes?
Monday, September 26, 2011
Puzzle Pieces
I love my family and I know they love me…but they are very critical and have been for generations (as I have witnessed my grandmother criticize my 46 year old uncle, nearly relentlessly). Conversely, I am a person where words are important and carry great weight. Often, this has left me feeling misunderstood and feeling like I am not good enough. I have struggled with this feeling since I was very young and learned that I was the only person I could rely on. I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone and acted accordingly. In essence, I built a wall and became very prickly. As a result, I do not often trust compliments or kind words…even though I really want them to be true, and truly need to hear them. Combining this with my negative experiences with men and well….I have trust issues.
For many years, I worked hard to tell myself how awesome I was…how I was important to others, despite what I was told or not told. But, no woman is an island…..and when you primarily receive negative feedback, you begin to question your perception….basically when the majority pointed one way, and I another, I began to think that I was having delusions of grandeur (so to speak)…and they all couldn’t be wrong. So I began to believe the negative. For the past several years, I have been trying to correct this fallacy….
I don’t have that one person, like most everyone I know does. You know, that one person who always has your back, comforts you, reassures, supports, cares… I need my friends to help bridge the gap just a little bit. With my female friends, this has been easier. They more often than not, intuitively know what I need. But, with my male friends, it has been much more difficult. This is more than a Mars and Venus thing (although that is part of it)…. I have trust issues with men. I desire a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom I can have a family. But, in order to do that, I need to regain my trust in men.
I have two close male friends whom I have unfairly leaned more heavily on to help me with this process. One of them I am closer to…and miraculously (even though I am sure I seem difficult) is still a good friend. He has tolerated my behavior as I try to figure this out…and I am extremely grateful. But I struggle with my concerns that I am being selfish....that I should just suck it up....
Today, I admitted that I held a grudge against him. He did nothing wrong and has been very kind to me (from picking me and a friend up when caught in a rainstorm, to making sure my bike tires aren’t flat, to choosing sepia over his preferred black and white, to giving me tea…and so much more)….but I still felt hurt. I just wanted him to understand that I needed him to verbally reassure me….and how when he didn’t I became petty—this has to change. When I started to explain he said that I often tell him that he hurts me. And I felt awful. I tried to make a joke to ease my nervousness and I made it worse. I don’t want to give him the impression that he is a bad person or overall mean to me. Holding a grudge is my childish reaction….and I am trying to fix it. I need his help; I need his understanding to be a better person. I wanted to be honest about my negative reactions. Truly, he is helping me to believe that there are still knights in shining armor out there. He is helping me rebuild my trust in men by being “a good man”. His girlfriend is a very lucky girl. This gives me hope.
I am afraid that I have given him the wrong impression (about how I see him) and wanted to explain more…I wanted to say some of what I said in this blog....but when I have expressed my emotions to men in the past....I have been accused of using some girlie trick or manipulation...when I was just trying to be heard, to be understood, and to be a better person. I don't believe he will react this way...but I am afraid that I am wrong. I need my good friends, and I hope I am a good friend in return. I fear that I have done enough damage….so I don’t plan on telling him any of this. Maybe one day, I will get it right….but until then, I am truly blessed and thankful that he is still willing to be my friend.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Alpena Tweed Ride: Our Bicycling Heritage
Alpena Tweed Ride: Our Bicycling Heritage: Chances are that if you are reading this Blog you have at least a passing interest in the history of bicycles.....
I can't help myself....there are some old timey songs I just adore... Daisy Bell is one of them. I love how some songs can just bring you right back to the moment...making the memory sweeter with time. My mom used to sing this song to us...I had all but forgotten the verses. But the refrain stuck in my head and I often sung it when I was feeling particularly down... except... my mom sung a second part of the chorus that was a parody...
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do,
I can't help myself....there are some old timey songs I just adore... Daisy Bell is one of them. I love how some songs can just bring you right back to the moment...making the memory sweeter with time. My mom used to sing this song to us...I had all but forgotten the verses. But the refrain stuck in my head and I often sung it when I was feeling particularly down... except... my mom sung a second part of the chorus that was a parody...
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do,
I'm half crazy all for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage -
I can't afford a carriage,
But you'd look sweet on the seat
Joey, Joey I'll give you my answer, do,
Your half crazy to think that I'd marry you!
You can't afford a marriage-
You can't afford a carriage,
And I'll be damned if I'll be crammed
On a bicycle built for two!
How can you not smile at that? :)
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I don't get scared at haunted houses....
So really....this has been my journey. I would love to tell you it all works out in the end...that it wasn't all for naught....but I can't. I wanted to learn something by going through this journey...at times I felt that I hadn't...sometimes I felt more disillusioned... but here is what I have come up with.
First, because of my experiences I have learned to not trust men...not trust what they say or what they do....I am working on that. But if you have read the whole journey, you can understand why it is difficult. Next, while I don't like to admit it...because of the lack of success in the past 20 years of relationships, I thought that there was something wrong with me. All the times I was told I did things wrong, wasn't enough or was too much caused me to try to fix it by changing my behavior...trying different things. But what I had done was this: create my own pretzel-sheep. I have twisted myself into something that vaguely resembles me. I have edited my self to almost nothing. AND. THAT. HAS. TO. STOP.
I realize that I cannot stop people judging me....but I don't have to care....and that has been my problem. I cared if people liked me....I don't want to anymore. Last Halloween my friends and I made a joke that I was still single because I don't get scared at haunted houses....because the conversation came around to how guys like to protect girls when they are all vulnerable and stuff.... well, that's sweet and all...but what about the real and big and scary bits of life? THAT is where I want protection where I am vulnerable...not when a kid in a Jason mask jumps out of a corner... when the chips are down and things are bad...THAT is where I want my hero. So really, I am still single...not because I am not girly enough...but because the men I have met are not ....manly enough to really take on the challenges that life gives us. I don't want to do it on my own, and I am truly tired of it....but, because I have no other choice....I have to be strong enough myself.... And hope that there is an equal out there for me...someone who matches me...who is strong enough.... because I am going back to being myself......if you don't like it...well I can tell you where to jump....
I AM awesome because I am:
*a girl with high standards
*not going to put up with anyone's shit
*sometimes a bitch
*blunt....without tact
*funny
*highly intelligent
*motivated...having ambition
*fighter for the little guy
*an artist
*a tone deaf singer
*a talker
*a feminist
*super sensitive
*have a sarcastic wit
*I like inane things and mixing it up
*a risk taker
*a good friend
I am so much more...but if you choose not to see it...that is totally your issue...and I do not have to subscribe. :)
First, because of my experiences I have learned to not trust men...not trust what they say or what they do....I am working on that. But if you have read the whole journey, you can understand why it is difficult. Next, while I don't like to admit it...because of the lack of success in the past 20 years of relationships, I thought that there was something wrong with me. All the times I was told I did things wrong, wasn't enough or was too much caused me to try to fix it by changing my behavior...trying different things. But what I had done was this: create my own pretzel-sheep. I have twisted myself into something that vaguely resembles me. I have edited my self to almost nothing. AND. THAT. HAS. TO. STOP.
I realize that I cannot stop people judging me....but I don't have to care....and that has been my problem. I cared if people liked me....I don't want to anymore. Last Halloween my friends and I made a joke that I was still single because I don't get scared at haunted houses....because the conversation came around to how guys like to protect girls when they are all vulnerable and stuff.... well, that's sweet and all...but what about the real and big and scary bits of life? THAT is where I want protection where I am vulnerable...not when a kid in a Jason mask jumps out of a corner... when the chips are down and things are bad...THAT is where I want my hero. So really, I am still single...not because I am not girly enough...but because the men I have met are not ....manly enough to really take on the challenges that life gives us. I don't want to do it on my own, and I am truly tired of it....but, because I have no other choice....I have to be strong enough myself.... And hope that there is an equal out there for me...someone who matches me...who is strong enough.... because I am going back to being myself......if you don't like it...well I can tell you where to jump....
I AM awesome because I am:
*a girl with high standards
*not going to put up with anyone's shit
*sometimes a bitch
*blunt....without tact
*funny
*highly intelligent
*motivated...having ambition
*fighter for the little guy
*an artist
*a tone deaf singer
*a talker
*a feminist
*super sensitive
*have a sarcastic wit
*I like inane things and mixing it up
*a risk taker
*a good friend
I am so much more...but if you choose not to see it...that is totally your issue...and I do not have to subscribe. :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Autopsy File #601c
Ok this is where I am really stupid. I have somehow convinced myself that the Lumberjack and I could be friends....and actually made an effort to see if that were true. I am not sure now what I think about the whole thing. I felt he was very disrespectful of me....but other times not. Sometimes he just seems clueless. I know what I feel and it is not good.... He of course was the same frustrating man...avoiding anything of importance and focusing on the superficial...unless he could communicated more important things via electronic means....so as not to face it....and really--not giving a flying fuck about me or my feelings. I was trying to decide if the friendship was even worth it. I was beginning to think it wasn't.
Then it got worse...my attempt at being friends became ever so challenging when he brought in his new girlfriend into the store...they stayed a really long time. He talks about her to me...and in an effort to remain friends I respond. I do not want to. I want to scream. But really, what is the point? I have known where I stood since day one, I had previously hoped that would be different...but as usual, I was wrong. So...this is difficult to not feel any jealousy or resentment that--ok so it didn't work ...he has found someone....yet I have not. I constantly edit myself to remain friends....because I am so used to being the one who smooths things out....who doesn't make waves....because we travel in some of the same circles. But now, I realize that I don't care...it doesn't matter what circles.... it just needs to be done.
The final straw was one day volleyball was called because of a storm. I was on a bike. He rode his bike home and drove back to pick up my friend and I (and our bikes) ...he drove up and down the street in the pouring rain and hail...until he found us and gave us a ride home. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever, ever done for me. My heart broke in two...this is how I had always wanted to be treated....to be worth "saving"...for someone to think of me first and not himself...for someone to care enough to help without being asked. This moment was the best and worst of my life. I finally felt that I could be something special....but reality slapped me in the face and I was reminded that he didn't want me. He told me many, many times. He wanted her...a size 8, smart, funny girl from out of town. He did this because he is a good man...not because he particularly cared...not because I was worth it. Damn, I am a stupid girl.
Then it got worse...my attempt at being friends became ever so challenging when he brought in his new girlfriend into the store...they stayed a really long time. He talks about her to me...and in an effort to remain friends I respond. I do not want to. I want to scream. But really, what is the point? I have known where I stood since day one, I had previously hoped that would be different...but as usual, I was wrong. So...this is difficult to not feel any jealousy or resentment that--ok so it didn't work ...he has found someone....yet I have not. I constantly edit myself to remain friends....because I am so used to being the one who smooths things out....who doesn't make waves....because we travel in some of the same circles. But now, I realize that I don't care...it doesn't matter what circles.... it just needs to be done.
The final straw was one day volleyball was called because of a storm. I was on a bike. He rode his bike home and drove back to pick up my friend and I (and our bikes) ...he drove up and down the street in the pouring rain and hail...until he found us and gave us a ride home. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever, ever done for me. My heart broke in two...this is how I had always wanted to be treated....to be worth "saving"...for someone to think of me first and not himself...for someone to care enough to help without being asked. This moment was the best and worst of my life. I finally felt that I could be something special....but reality slapped me in the face and I was reminded that he didn't want me. He told me many, many times. He wanted her...a size 8, smart, funny girl from out of town. He did this because he is a good man...not because he particularly cared...not because I was worth it. Damn, I am a stupid girl.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
selling virginity
This is unbelievable to me.....who would do this? Some girl in China offers to sell her virginity for an iPhone. An iPhone of all things??
Monday, August 1, 2011
Losing my Religion--relapse
So....at the beginning of and beyond 2011...I knew I had to change something. I was focusing only on my failures and not my successes. I read many books that inspired me....focused more on my faith... I have really tried...but I cannot seem to convince myself or truly believe that God hears me or answers any of my prayers... the ones that really, really matter to me.
I have a strange compartmentalized view of this whole thing. I can look back and see the coincidences or incidents that have brought me along my current career path. I just fell in to the Boys & Girls Club and loved it...I was pushed by many things to do something new....and the bookstore came to me...and God helped me with all of that. I truly believe that my career is what He wants me to have. It is easier to believe that he helps me when I really haven't wanted or worried about it. In Grand Rapids, I hated my job. I wanted to get another job or back to Alpena...I wanted something different...the urgency was only in how long I could stand the awful environment that I worked in. I guess that really, my career did not matter much to me. I wanted to enjoy it and be able to live....nothing more. I don't need or care for a BMW or 14 bedroom house.... I have no problem having faith here because I have seen it in action in this area of my life.
But this is where the phrase "I believe, please help my unbelief" comes in for me. I have an area where there used to not be much urgency...used to be just like my career...I wanted something that would suit my needs...but not anything extravagant....it would happen. I believed it would. I just had to have patience. I used to have faith.
Well...at this time I no longer had any patience. I felt that hope was the absolute worst thing...because why hope for something and be constantly denied it.... it would be better off to just accept that this world is hard and not fair and disappointing...than to believe that it could actually be something different. Sure it can be great with some challenges for many people....but I am not one of the lucky ones. I began to pray again about it...for understanding for revelation...for anything....but I seemed to be ignored. And I thought...yep...God is definitely male...if he doesn't want to talk to me about something difficult or anything that matters...I am ignored...just like his earthly counterparts.
I tried just accepting my fate...and living like that... I couldn't ...I wasn't happy. I was stuck. I could not have faith that it would happen...that it would get better...I could see no light at the end of the tunnel. Ironically, the books, priests, DVD's and everywhere I searched said I had to be positive or it wouldn't happen. I could not figure it out...I tried to convince myself...I tried and tried....but I still could not believe it. I was 35 ...there had been plenty of time for this before now...it was too late... I had already let go of all my hopes and dreams.... and like letting go of helium balloons...I could not figure out how to get back to that...to try to have faith.
I have a strange compartmentalized view of this whole thing. I can look back and see the coincidences or incidents that have brought me along my current career path. I just fell in to the Boys & Girls Club and loved it...I was pushed by many things to do something new....and the bookstore came to me...and God helped me with all of that. I truly believe that my career is what He wants me to have. It is easier to believe that he helps me when I really haven't wanted or worried about it. In Grand Rapids, I hated my job. I wanted to get another job or back to Alpena...I wanted something different...the urgency was only in how long I could stand the awful environment that I worked in. I guess that really, my career did not matter much to me. I wanted to enjoy it and be able to live....nothing more. I don't need or care for a BMW or 14 bedroom house.... I have no problem having faith here because I have seen it in action in this area of my life.
But this is where the phrase "I believe, please help my unbelief" comes in for me. I have an area where there used to not be much urgency...used to be just like my career...I wanted something that would suit my needs...but not anything extravagant....it would happen. I believed it would. I just had to have patience. I used to have faith.
Well...at this time I no longer had any patience. I felt that hope was the absolute worst thing...because why hope for something and be constantly denied it.... it would be better off to just accept that this world is hard and not fair and disappointing...than to believe that it could actually be something different. Sure it can be great with some challenges for many people....but I am not one of the lucky ones. I began to pray again about it...for understanding for revelation...for anything....but I seemed to be ignored. And I thought...yep...God is definitely male...if he doesn't want to talk to me about something difficult or anything that matters...I am ignored...just like his earthly counterparts.
I tried just accepting my fate...and living like that... I couldn't ...I wasn't happy. I was stuck. I could not have faith that it would happen...that it would get better...I could see no light at the end of the tunnel. Ironically, the books, priests, DVD's and everywhere I searched said I had to be positive or it wouldn't happen. I could not figure it out...I tried to convince myself...I tried and tried....but I still could not believe it. I was 35 ...there had been plenty of time for this before now...it was too late... I had already let go of all my hopes and dreams.... and like letting go of helium balloons...I could not figure out how to get back to that...to try to have faith.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Autopsy File #604
So a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. Harry Potter lives in Grand Rapids... I can't travel much....so I wasn't sure how this was going to be. It is much better to have a long distance relationship with someone with whom you have had a relationship with prior to moving. It is much more difficult to start the relationship long distance. I feel that you never really know the person because they give you their "weekend" self and you have no real idea about their lives...I view it more as a sham than anything else... Like the girl who gets upset about the guy spending time with his friends every football game..when he didn't do that while they were just dating....he is being himself and not trying to impress... this is why I no longer would even consider internet dating. I have looked just to see who was in the area...but really...what is the point? I do not want to waste anyone's time. I will not move from Alpena.... nor in fairness, will I any longer date someone seriously that I can't get to know them and their family and friends in the environment in which they live.
I was going to get off of my soapbox...but I am climbing back on. I believe in love...I really do. But I am a very practical person. I believe that the euphoria of love can sweep logic away...but in the end...how will you build a strong, solid foundation with someone 250 or 1000 miles away? Phone calls and internet communication leave much to be desired and are really not quality time spent together....And when you are dating you present your best face...as time goes on that wears a little....until you get closer to the true person... beginning to date long distance does not allow this to happen...after visiting each other several times...you realize that you are with a stranger... you have fooled yourself because in the absence someone your imagination filled in the holes for when they were away. It is like dating someone in a movie...you always get the good times and none of the normal...building times....music swells and there is no negativity...no reality.
So...this was my hesitation over Harry Potter. But, my friend had been trying to figure out how to set us up for six months...and I figure it wouldn't hurt. He came to Alpena and was only able to spend one day. We had a fun time, but things were limited by his and my schedules. After a few of these visits...he called me... He had decided that it just wouldn't work. It was too much travel. I told him I understood...and I did. I wasn't that into him to make the effort necessary to sustain a long distance relationship... especially when I didn't particularly trust them....
The issue I had with the whole thing was this...I know logically that it wouldn't work...but I really thought it would be nice for someone to actually want to be with me...to do things like adjust his schedule to see me...to make an effort. Again, some people are blessed...others are not.
I was going to get off of my soapbox...but I am climbing back on. I believe in love...I really do. But I am a very practical person. I believe that the euphoria of love can sweep logic away...but in the end...how will you build a strong, solid foundation with someone 250 or 1000 miles away? Phone calls and internet communication leave much to be desired and are really not quality time spent together....And when you are dating you present your best face...as time goes on that wears a little....until you get closer to the true person... beginning to date long distance does not allow this to happen...after visiting each other several times...you realize that you are with a stranger... you have fooled yourself because in the absence someone your imagination filled in the holes for when they were away. It is like dating someone in a movie...you always get the good times and none of the normal...building times....music swells and there is no negativity...no reality.
So...this was my hesitation over Harry Potter. But, my friend had been trying to figure out how to set us up for six months...and I figure it wouldn't hurt. He came to Alpena and was only able to spend one day. We had a fun time, but things were limited by his and my schedules. After a few of these visits...he called me... He had decided that it just wouldn't work. It was too much travel. I told him I understood...and I did. I wasn't that into him to make the effort necessary to sustain a long distance relationship... especially when I didn't particularly trust them....
The issue I had with the whole thing was this...I know logically that it wouldn't work...but I really thought it would be nice for someone to actually want to be with me...to do things like adjust his schedule to see me...to make an effort. Again, some people are blessed...others are not.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Autopsy File #601b
It was inevitable....I was a silly girl...I thought somehow this time would be different...yeah, right! After getting to know me and knowing that I had opposite feelings.... he dropped me as a friend....ran as fast as he could actually--while still metaphorically rubbing it in my face... Surprisingly this happened almost three months after the "check yes or no email".... world record! Usually it is instantaneous! Woot!
Ok to make sense of that rambling...the Lumberjack took three months to drop me as a friend after I told him I had feelings for him. Knowing him as I do...I can look back at it and not be surprised. I remember him telling me a story of an ex that took him something like a year to break up with. And since I was much lower on the totem pole....
It was an intriguing experience...he began by insinuating things about my behavior that served his ego...and then he "unfriended" me on Facebook. Well there is a statement....how mature... So, to prove a point I re-friended him to see what would happen...he acted like he didn't know what happened.... nice try, bucko. THEN he had the gall to bring his new girlfriend into MY store and have me shake her hand....really? I was polite and professional (but seething inside--how dare he??!?!!!) AND he says I have no tact!?!?....I should have unleashed it on them when he came in with her.... but no... I remained professional in this upsetting circumstance.... because, I indeed have tact....and social skills....somethings he may need a mirror to see.
It is probably for the best....since I have never met anyone who can bring me to the basest part of myself and react like a 10 year old to his childish and passive aggressive lashing out....but he could---he somehow got to me.....I somehow let him.... let him in...
...not a good thing nor a good relationship ...maybe if he matured to at least a 20 year old....then maybe....but I don't have 10-15 years to wait for that...and really....who wants a friendship with someone who acts like a 4 year old when he doesn't like something?
Ok to make sense of that rambling...the Lumberjack took three months to drop me as a friend after I told him I had feelings for him. Knowing him as I do...I can look back at it and not be surprised. I remember him telling me a story of an ex that took him something like a year to break up with. And since I was much lower on the totem pole....
It was an intriguing experience...he began by insinuating things about my behavior that served his ego...and then he "unfriended" me on Facebook. Well there is a statement....how mature... So, to prove a point I re-friended him to see what would happen...he acted like he didn't know what happened.... nice try, bucko. THEN he had the gall to bring his new girlfriend into MY store and have me shake her hand....really? I was polite and professional (but seething inside--how dare he??!?!!!) AND he says I have no tact!?!?....I should have unleashed it on them when he came in with her.... but no... I remained professional in this upsetting circumstance.... because, I indeed have tact....and social skills....somethings he may need a mirror to see.
It is probably for the best....since I have never met anyone who can bring me to the basest part of myself and react like a 10 year old to his childish and passive aggressive lashing out....but he could---he somehow got to me.....I somehow let him.... let him in...
...not a good thing nor a good relationship ...maybe if he matured to at least a 20 year old....then maybe....but I don't have 10-15 years to wait for that...and really....who wants a friendship with someone who acts like a 4 year old when he doesn't like something?
Friday, July 29, 2011
Autopsy File #603a
So...I was so pissed at myself for being manipulated in such a way... the Lumberjack was considered a friend and I was now questioning my judgement of character. I was meeting a friend who was playing at a bar...and I hadn't seen him or his girlfriend since I had moved. While at the bar...this cute guy struck up a conversation with me....
We talked off and on the whole night...and he offered me a ride on his motorcycle. I was in a sundress and flip flops.... I decided...why not? I had been leery since an incident with a dirt bike in my youth...I even stupidly asked the Lumberjack for a ride once (at the time I still trusted him). So I took off for the first time in over 20 years on a bike. It was exhilarating...I had a blast.
The Motorcycle guy and I hung out a few times over the next few weeks...then it just dropped off because of schedules. I wasn't sure he was boyfriend material (he had some racist/judgmental tendencies)...but I figured what the heck...like it matters anyway? I know the outcome here...might as well have some fun before it ends!
We see each other every few months and it has been fun. Something to break up the boredom. On our last interaction, I decided even that wasn't worth it any more. I had had too much to drink and was riding my bike home. He and I were at a bar 6 blocks from my house and I asked him to give me a ride home...he didn't feel like it. Seriously? six blocks? And people wonder why I don't ask for help or even assume it will be given to me. I no longer see the motorcycle guy.
We talked off and on the whole night...and he offered me a ride on his motorcycle. I was in a sundress and flip flops.... I decided...why not? I had been leery since an incident with a dirt bike in my youth...I even stupidly asked the Lumberjack for a ride once (at the time I still trusted him). So I took off for the first time in over 20 years on a bike. It was exhilarating...I had a blast.
The Motorcycle guy and I hung out a few times over the next few weeks...then it just dropped off because of schedules. I wasn't sure he was boyfriend material (he had some racist/judgmental tendencies)...but I figured what the heck...like it matters anyway? I know the outcome here...might as well have some fun before it ends!
We see each other every few months and it has been fun. Something to break up the boredom. On our last interaction, I decided even that wasn't worth it any more. I had had too much to drink and was riding my bike home. He and I were at a bar 6 blocks from my house and I asked him to give me a ride home...he didn't feel like it. Seriously? six blocks? And people wonder why I don't ask for help or even assume it will be given to me. I no longer see the motorcycle guy.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wheels of Change
so...I figured I would share the blog that started it all...it was called: Wheels of Change and I thought it was totally cool because I had recently learned how the bicycle helped to raise momentum to a critical point in the women's movement... the bicycle? my second favorite form of transportation? oh wow....how cool is that?
apparently not cool enough...as my partner pointed out....apparently this blog was too thought provoking for the general public....and too biased....which is confusing...since this one seems slightly skewed...don't you think? Or am I missing the inherent sexism in this post??
Here are some other great links about sexism in sports and just in general:
http://jezebel.com/5821580/some-advice-how-to-cover-young-girls-playing-sports
http://jezebel.com/5820354/8+year+old-girl-kickboxes-in-a-ring-government-official-is-appalled
apparently not cool enough...as my partner pointed out....apparently this blog was too thought provoking for the general public....and too biased....which is confusing...since this one seems slightly skewed...don't you think? Or am I missing the inherent sexism in this post??
Here are some other great links about sexism in sports and just in general:
http://jezebel.com/5821580/some-advice-how-to-cover-young-girls-playing-sports
http://jezebel.com/5820354/8+year+old-girl-kickboxes-in-a-ring-government-official-is-appalled
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Autopsy File #602
Well, this next one came as a bit of a surprise to me....a person that I had called a friend for a long time...I will call him Secret Society....one evening made some moves on me.... I thought we were squarely in friend zone and he never gave any inclination otherwise. After he kissed me...I really thought about it: we got along great, we had fun, he was a more serious sort....but I figured what the heck...let's see where this goes.... Well, as unexpected as the kiss was....the complete shutdown of friendship afterwards was even more so. It seems that by opening myself up to the idea of him and I....he decided that he didn't want that. I was left with the sense that he was feeling sorry for himself or horny or whatever...and I was there.... how fantastic! It is my goal in life to just be convenient to a man! woot!
And of course our friendship suffered greatly. We went from hanging out weekly to a nod of the head or a polite hello when we ran across each other. And all of this happened because of a kiss and an attempt at groping, which I did not start nor finish. We didn't date, I made no declaration of feelings, I did not ask him to check yes or no....or any of the myriad other things that I have done that is apparently wrong with men over the years....and yet it still happened.
And of course our friendship suffered greatly. We went from hanging out weekly to a nod of the head or a polite hello when we ran across each other. And all of this happened because of a kiss and an attempt at groping, which I did not start nor finish. We didn't date, I made no declaration of feelings, I did not ask him to check yes or no....or any of the myriad other things that I have done that is apparently wrong with men over the years....and yet it still happened.
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