Autopsy File #601c

Ok this is where I am really stupid.  I have somehow convinced myself that the Lumberjack and I could be friends....and actually made an effort to see if that were true.  I am not sure now what I think about the whole thing.  I felt he was very disrespectful of me....but other times not.  Sometimes he just seems clueless.  I know what I feel and it is not good....   He of course was the same frustrating man...avoiding anything of importance and focusing on the superficial...unless he could communicated more important things via electronic means....so as not to face it....and really--not giving a flying fuck about me or my feelings.  I was trying to decide if the friendship was even worth it.  I was beginning to think it wasn't.

Then it got worse...my attempt at being friends became ever so challenging when he brought in his new girlfriend into the store...they stayed a really long time.  He talks about her to me...and in an effort to remain friends I respond.  I do not want to.  I want to scream.  But really, what is the point?  I have known where I stood since day one, I had previously hoped that would be different...but as usual, I was wrong.  So...this is difficult to not feel any jealousy or resentment that--ok so it didn't work ...he has found someone....yet I have not.  I constantly edit myself to remain friends....because I am so used to being the one who smooths things out....who doesn't make waves....because we travel in some of the same circles.  But now, I realize that I don't care...it doesn't matter what circles....  it just needs to be done.   


The final straw was one day volleyball was called because of a storm.  I was on a bike.  He rode his bike home and drove back to pick up my friend and I (and our bikes) ...he drove up and down the street in the pouring rain and hail...until he found us and gave us a ride home.  It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever, ever done for me.  My heart broke in two...this is how I had always wanted to be treated....to be worth "saving"...for someone to think of me first and not himself...for someone to care enough to help without being asked.   This moment was the best and worst of my life.  I finally felt that I could be something special....but reality slapped me in the face and I was reminded that he didn't want me.  He told me many, many times.  He wanted her...a size 8, smart, funny girl from out of town.  He did this because he is a good man...not because he particularly cared...not because I was worth it.  Damn, I am a stupid girl.

Autopsy File #602

Well, this next one came as a bit of a surprise to me....a person that I had called a friend for a long time...I will call him Secret Society....one evening made some moves on me....   I thought we were squarely in friend zone and he never gave any inclination otherwise. After he kissed me...I really thought about it:  we got along great, we had fun, he was a more serious sort....but I figured what the heck...let's see where this goes....  Well, as unexpected as the kiss was....the complete shutdown of friendship afterwards was even more so.  It seems that by opening myself up to the idea of him and I....he decided that he didn't want that.  I was left with the sense that he was feeling sorry for himself or horny or whatever...and I was there.... how fantastic!  It is my goal in life to just be convenient to a man!  woot!

And of course our friendship suffered greatly.  We went from hanging out weekly to a nod of the head or a polite hello when we ran across each other.  And all of this happened because of a kiss and an attempt at groping, which I did not start nor finish.  We didn't date, I made no declaration of feelings, I did not ask him to check yes or no....or any of the myriad other things that I have done that is apparently wrong with men over the years....and yet it still happened.

Autopsy File #601a

So...after all of the previous autopsies....I just gave up.   I realized that I was an adult....fairy tales do not happen...maybe to some people, but not to me.  Hell, I was hoping for the occasional Aesop Fable as opposed to Cinderella...that was more practical....but even that was not to be.  Instead I focused on getting back to Alpena. I realized that after the Jeep not starting incident and my second ever (and very scary) trip to the emergency room (where a co-worker sat with me)...that I was sick to death of being alone...of having only myself to depend on....I wanted to be near people who cared about me and could help me with no strings attached if I needed it....  I had to go home.  I was coming to terms that I would never find anyone...so I had to learn to live as a single for the rest of my life....but that didn't mean that I had to be without my family nearby.

For months I applied for jobs and worked on leads...and nothing....  Apparently having a Masters Degree is the kiss of death for jobs in Alpena :)...  I was ready to give up...Since I was going to have to stay there...I decided to buy a house in Grand Rapids (I really hate renting).  While in the process of dealing with their banks (they were going into foreclosure) which took longer than a normal house purchase....I heard about the Walden's closing in Alpena. It wasn't officially announced....but the rumor was on good authority... a seed began to take place....  I began working on a business plan and feasibility study....I was making at minimum monthly visits to Alpena.

It was on one of these visits that I met the Lumberjack.  The day that I was introduced to him...I had been feeling particularly stand-offish....and well that is how I treated him.  Not even saying hi, his name or shaking hands (as is customary when meeting someone)...he said some snarky comment about me texting or something....I was so sick of men especially those who think they are God's gift to women....I said something equally snarky back and proceeded to ignore him.  Unfortunately, as I drink...I loosen up....the friends I was with left to another part of the bar...and I was left sitting by myself next to the snarky lumberjack.  Somehow we ended up talking...I was drinking....I remember arguing about Tolstoy and British Literature...and that he was making up words...and that he had strong judgmental opinions and should learn to give people a chance...  

Normally, I am not this rude...but....sometimes the situation calls for it.  Apparently (according to my friends) we spent the evening talking and arguing and ignoring just about everyone else....  Surprisingly, he friended me on Facebook...  and thus it began....

The thing I remember the most was....I hadn't realized that everyone else was so boring until I had met him.  It was like I had just seen in color for the first time.  I didn't know what to make of it...so I did nothing....I wouldn't have time to think since I was opening a bookstore....besides....an incredibly intelligent, incredibly sexy red-head who had an ego the size of Texas would be too distracting... A week or so later, we began emailing each other daily...  We talked about myriad subjects...He could keep up with me... sometimes pass me...I became competitive (which I have never done with a boy)...we established a tit for tat kind of rapport that was not mean or nasty...and without realizing it....I had become smitten....crap!!!!  ...somehow I met a boy who could actually match me...this is not what I wanted at this stage of store opening...yet it was what I had been convinced would never happen...  ah the irony...

Unfortunately, through the course of our online conversations, he said things that pointed to the "he wanted us to be a just friends" kind of thing...same story, different person with a penis...  Thus, I began to edit and protect myself...I knew from past experience that if I let on that I had feelings for him...our friendship would be over.  Additionally, I thought I had protected myself not to let anyone in...I tried not to like him...I tried really.... hard.  But I failed...and by the time I moved here...I knew I had become one of those girls that he was derisive about....(he had said that being nice to girls was often mistaken as interest...and when they found out otherwise--they were upset).  

I knew it would be hard to be friends with him...but I thought I could handle it.... I looked forward to our conversations, our arguments...I had never met anyone so exciting....he kept me on my toes...challenged me....made be me better....  

We became tenuous friends in person...one day about 6 weeks into my move home, we went to the bar after volleyball practice...this is where the cockblocker incident took place.  The other thing that I remember about that night is that he put his hand on the small of my back and guided me out the door...that mere act turned my brain to mush...I was not prepared for further cockblocker onslaught.  I began to think that maybe I was wrong...maybe I had misinterpreted the just friends thing...maybe....just maybe....

So I sit back and try to figure out what is going on...have I misinterpreted?  Over the next 6 weeks or so...I become really, really confused...sometimes it seems that the just friends brakes are on...sometimes it seems that the maybe we might be going somewhere lights are on....and actually I find out...I just been taken for a ride....  After some confusing incidents...and one that really annoyed me...I asked point blank...in an email (since he seems to prefer not direct communication...I had tried to ask otherwise...but it didn't work out...always had people to protect him) ...I had my answer...he said we were just friends... no more no less....

I should have just left it at that--what I had already known....he didn't want me.... and I wasted 6 weeks of picking it apart....I  So I held my breath....because now it was out there...now we would probably not be friends anymore.... one more time I have to go through this....really?   sigh.....

A real case of a Cock Blocker

So I started this blog with an example of my cluelessness in male-female relationships....the "cock blocker" comment.  All of the sudden it hit me...I have experienced the wrath of a true cock blocker....(and really?  I was put in this class?)


So...the Cap'n...(that is his nickname amongst the group--I can't remember why...something to do with a hat...) He was a friend of a friend and we were at a music festival.  We hit it off as friends immediately...partly because we were the only two unnattached people in the crowd of over a dozen or so....so when the couples did "couple things"...we were by default left alone.  He was pretty cool and easy to talk to.  The first evening we were hanging out...laying on a blanket...talking and listening to music.  I was enjoying his company...not really thinking about anything else....now I have no idea if it were going anywhere....I really didn't think about it or try to assess...it was just good companionship.....


By the third evening I was thinking...hmmmm...I wonder what he thinks...  I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to ruin the time for my friends if I totally misread things.....  As we were walking back to our campsites....this one woman (whom I had an immediate dislike for when we met three days prior) pulled the Cap'n off to the side and very loudly asked if he was going to "hit that fat girl as his Bliss fuck"....everyone heard this and I was embarrassed and angry.  I didn't turn around...just kept going until back in the tent.  The next morning the Cap'n was nowhere to be seen...he missed breakfast for the first time.  Later I found him on a blanket by himself at one of the stages....I asked if the whole group was meeting there and if I could put my blanket down.  He said he didn't know and shrugged his shoulders...I tried to have conversation with him...he ignored me.  He didn't speak with me again.


That loud annoying woman was a cock blocker...even if he didn't think of me in that way...so how on earth is that possibly a way to say you are interested in someone?  I am pretty sure my friends were wrong....I must have stopped the Lumberjack from getting laid and he was trying to tell me to stop whatever it was that I was doing.


and really...just once...one time....I would love for someone to care enough to fight for me....to ignore the others and say "hey you are cool...I don't care what X says..."  to try to get past my wall....  I am 35 and it hasn't happened yet...so the chances are slim to none now.

Autopsy File #503

I had been trying to be more positive about using online dating...but it was difficult....it is like research hoping you get the result that you want...but experiment after experiment...you still get the other result.... Nonetheless...I kept trying.  I made a decision....I would try to be more selective...I had just received a free 6 months because the first 6 didn't work...so I decided that in this time...I would date no more than three people.  I would communicate longer...trying to see if there were any red flags...  If I made it to the third person and it still didn't work...I would cancel my account.


Sooo...bachelor number one I call the IT Guy....he provided all of IT for one of the local school systems...  After several months of chatting and phoning we decided to meet...ironically he lived three blocks from where I worked...our first date was wonderful!  We got along well and enjoyed each other's company...(so far no red flags)  When he walked me to my Jeep he asked if he could kiss me goodnight!  Oh wow a real gentleman!  I thought about it for a few seconds...and decided...yes, he could.  It was a very sweet kiss.


We continued to see each other about twice a week for the next five or six weeks...and things started to progress a bit faster than what I wanted....he knew my stance on intimacy and time spent together (I was using it online to weed out the hornballs) but it got a bit more insistent.  I asked if we could slow down just a bit....he agreed.  Things went well for about another week.  He had planned to make me dinner...and rented a movie.  I was excited about this date...it sounded cozy and fun.  I get to his place and he is very standoffish...  I am confused...figure he had a bad day at work...waited for him to talk about it....  but nothing....  I tried to coax conversation...but it just wasn't happening.  Sensing that he just wanted time alone, I cut the date short and went home before the movie.  The daily e-mails and frequent phone calls ceased immediately...and I thought..."really?  what did I do wrong, now?  Sure, we had an off day, but...."  So I give it 10 days....and I email him that I want to meet....and told him when and where.  Surprisingly he agreed.


I asked him if there was something wrong.  He said no.  I know you aren't supposed to ask these types of questions because it apparently scares the easily frightened male of the species....but really?  So I let it hang there for a bit....asked how things were going...hoping he would warm up to talking...we start a conversation....  randomly he says to me that he is not perfect and he is not the perfect one for me...I am confused...where did this come from?  We weren't talking about anything in that direction...and I had been having major doubts of even another date...much less thinking he was perfect for me!  So I ask him to explain....he says that he doesn't want exclusivity and that is where this is going....I am surprised at this...since a few weeks ago he was the one who wanted to go way too fast....  so I ask him...."are you saying you want to date other people at the same time?"  He says "well since we had that bad date where we didn't talk...yes".  I realize that there is no point in dealing with this logic....at this point...I am not going to share and hope he picks me.  I tell him that "at this stage that doesn't work for me.  I do not want to waste my time."  He just looks away.  I get up, tell him goodbye and leave.  The End.

He never contacted me again...and I was left more confused over the rules of dating than ever.  I hate dating...I don't get it...I apparently always screw up.  My two main relationships have been friends and we have gotten to know each other that way...it was so much better....and I knew them so much better--the real person....but the majority of my guy friends are married or not a good fit.  And the one that I thought had potential doesn't want me.  So I guess I am stuck with dating..... sigh...

All my Friends are Dead

I recently got this book at the store called "All my Friends are Dead".  It is a hilarious parodied kids book.  It starts with a dinosaur commenting that all his friends are dead and goes from there....I especially like the tree saying all his friends were end tables....and then a lumberjack helps him out... :)


And I started thinking about this book at the store yesterday when I had several groups of friends come in and hang out.  I had many great conversations...and well...I realized...that most of my friends are dead!  I mean this in a metaphorical sense.  Our friendships have changed so drastically over they years, that really...what they were.... are well...dead.  As I watched my customers just hang out and just be....I really felt that I missed that.  Now, all of my friends must bring their significant other at every outing....togetherness is one of the cool things in relationships....but, sometimes you just wanna hang out with your friends...with them making no other concessions for another person.  This is the interesting thing about growing up... and being the only single friend.  It used to really bother me when I was the third, fifth, seventh, ninth... wheel.  It doesn't so much any more....but occasionally I would like to be one of the gang...not the unattached one.

Autopsy File #201b

I found out what was really happening with PK two days later.  He was dating the girl from my hall (the soccer slut).  She was in his sister sorority.  I was flabbergasted and devastated at the same time.  Things like that really happen!!??  I was in a haze for the next two weeks, begrudgingly planning the annual end of the year party my friends and I had.  I was really in no mood to socialize and was really glad to be getting out of there.  The day before my party, PK called.  I refused the call and my roommate took the message.  When I finally looked what he said...I was shocked.  He wanted to come to the party (he had been helping plan it until this point).  My roomie wanted me to tell him where to go....but I needed to work on this (we would be seeing each other everywhere for the next two years...I had to figure it out now)...so I told her she could tell him he could come.  I braced myself.  

Then the unbelievable happened.  He came to the party and he brought HER!  I was furious!  I will admit that I am not proud of my next actions....but they are what they are.  I literally grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the room.  I actually began to yell and call names (that rarely happens).  I asked him what the fuck was he thinking?! and a lot more not so nice stuff.  (I had really wanted to be mature about this...but....alas).  I calmed myself down and I said that we have always been friends and I deserve respect.  I deserve to know what is going on.  That him bringing her is unacceptable and when we were done...they were leaving!  I finally said...I damn well deserve to know why and he was going to tell me.  He said he would give me two of the reasons (there were more??) This is what he said:

1)  I did not get jealous.  He tried to make me jealous....and I didn't become psycho-jealous girl...therefore I didn't really care for him!  What?!?!  what kind of crazy logic is that?  I was secure in the relationship...I TRUSTED him.  PK began hanging out with the soccer slut...and I didn't have an issue....why would I say he couldn't hang out with friends?  I wasn't worried.  He was a respectful man AND he was with me.  He was MY boyfriend.  I thought I didn't have to worry....I was really, really wrong.  He wanted me to bend myself into a pretzel...to react in a certain way to get the desired effect (what was so wrong with actually communicating to me??  instead a game was played....yeah, I know...men are from Mars...).  He wanted me to somehow prove/do something to assuage his own self-esteem issues....I was "not enough"...I was apparently supposed to contort myself into something else....

2) PK liked me being a "strong woman"...BUT he also wanted to make all of the important decisions.  Reason number two for the break up was that he felt that I wasn't committed to the relationship.  The rationale for this thought?  I wanted to wait to get married until we were out of college.  I truly wanted to marry him--and at the time would have.  I also wanted to be practical and ensure that we finish our degrees. Maybe he was right...that I didn't love him enough to try to make it "on our own" during college (I had so many concerns:  no means of full income, no health insurance, lessened student loans, etc.  )... My idea of a long engagement was not what he wanted...he wanted me to accept his direction....like a sheep.  You can't have it both ways...

His revelations devastated me.  They completely changed my worldview.  I trusted him.  I was betrayed.  I found out later he was trying to figure out how to break up with me to date her for several weeks.  She was pretty and skinny and popular.  I was not.  She villainized me...and our mutual friends chose sides (theirs) without even hearing my side.  I learned again that women will compete for men, be damned the consequences and sometimes cannot be trusted....and that men cannot communicate effectively.  Actions matter.  It took me a long time to get over this.   But I realized much later that this was for the best.  One of his tendencies that annoyed me then still does....and I realized that we were not meant to be.  At the time I had unfortunately took a hit to my self esteem and my trust of men....I made some really stupid relationship decisions during this time.

Autopsy File #102

So after my self-imposed hiatus from boys, I found myself crushing again.  It is a sickness....I thought I had been in remission!


In the summer between 8th and 9th grades...I was befriended the sister of one of my brother's All*Star teammates.  All the other girls were mean and catty and more into what they were wearing and the boys than into the game.  I had already decided boys were not worth my time....and besides...I love baseball!  It is my all time favorite spectator sport!  I especially love minor league games...  Anyway, I was glad to have someone to chat with while I watched the games.  Her brother, the baseballer, was one of the few teammates who was nice to us.  He would come over and talk on occasion.  One day I noticed that he had gorgeous brown eyes.  So despite my boycott (apt word!) I started to crush.  All summer long she and I spent time at each other's houses...I got to know her brother better...it was great.  She also admitted to having a crush on my brother...it was fun to pretend that maybe one day we could be sisters (how young I was!  the thoughts that go through a young girl's head).


By the middle of summer we had decided that we would do something to get each other's brother to notice us.  We agreed on notes that we would bring home.  After delivery, my brother responded to her that she was a nice girl, but...he was not interested.  The baseballer, on the other hand, ignored my letter.  I was sad.  What was worse, is that his sister stopped talking to me altogether.  When I asked her what was going on, she admitted that she didn't really like me and only wanted to get closer to my brother!  I was shocked!  I learned later that this is part of that class that I missed....I could not fathom befriending someone for the sole purpose of advancing one's dating career.  I prefer to be real...to be real friends without some hidden agenda...otherwise it is manipulation.  (I will note that this is different than being polite/friendly to someone in the group of friends that you do not like.  This is good social practice.)


To make matters worse.  When I arrived at my first soccer practice...the boys...my teammates....began to make fun of me.  Apparently the baseballer had told his friends what I had done!  I was embarrassed.  I wanted to quit soccer altogether.  They were mean.  I took a deep breath and decided to not let them spoil my fun (it was my favorite sport to play)...and it eventually blew over. That was a rough year for soccer...and I had decided that I would not play next year (after having been the only girl in the league for 3 years)...I started to feel like I didn't belong...I learned to act like one of the guys, but hated it when they forgot I was a girl.  When school started the baseballer pretended I didn't exist.


From this experience I learned two things.  First, if you are friends with a boy and you like him and he doesn't feel the same way....the friendship is basically over.  It is just too uncomfortable or something.  Secondly, many girls are catty, competitive and manipulative.  When it comes to boys, their motivation is often not to be trusted.  I am pretty sure, looking back through my adult eyes, that this was definitely a major subject in that class I missed!  I never learned the "art" of female competitiveness.   And I don't think this is a bad thing....I believe people should be treated respectfully...because...well...that is what I want too! :)

A case in point....

So what class am I speaking of, you ask?  The class that teaches women how to play "the game"...how to use their feminine wiles....and most importantly how to translate the language and behavior of people with penises--and persuade them in your direction.  You know...the class where they show episodes of a program (a la the deer watching show on the outdoor network) where some women are whispering (so not as to frighten) while deciphering the behavior of some men in the wild...and going after the kill....


Actually, that class probably started in Junior High....it seems to nowadays....but...even if I knew it existed, at the time I wouldn't have signed up based on the reason that I find it hard to get past the ridiculousness of not being yourself, playing games and conniving your way into "getting a guy" when he should have had the balls to go after you....because isn't that the the law of nature?  Men are peacocks...the peahen chooses the worthiest....not the other way around....but as I have aged, I have realized...the peahen has her part in the mating ritual too....I have been so femi-nazi that I didn't learn how to play my part....


I have learned some things from my experiences, but the application of this education has been hit or miss....  At the beginning of this year I made a commitment to myself to become more positive....not to assume that people are attacking me....as part of this process I evaluated many things.  I have always found it difficult to balance my values with my needs....and sometimes I vascilate between feminist and doormat...and I wanted to try to find the middle-ground that makes me happy.  I have learned that is difficult for people with penises to understand that a strong woman can most certainly take care of herself, but still wants comfort, safety and a hero at the end of the day.  And this is the bane of my current femi-nazi soul:   Having a spine makes you undesirable as men want softer women...but if you show your softer side via the methods learned in class, you feel like a doormat!  And while I am perfectly capable of living without a man...I find that I would prefer not to... (and while I am loathe to admit it...I do need the help of a big, strong man).  For all of the complication and headache that they are....they still excite me!


So...the biggest issue with missing that class is that I am expected to behave in the manner taught... as it is assumed that I have graduated from "charm school".  While I am grappling with my throwing out the baby with the bathwater...I am trying to take remedial classes.  To illustrate my point, I will give my current favorite example of  interaction with the confounding sex.  


To start with some background:  I met "the Lumberjack" (I will use nicknames to protect the innocent) because he was a friend of one of my friends' husband (what a mouthful--"that's what she said" comes to mind...eek!).  She had mentioned the lumberjack two years previous....but I was not interested in meeting any of her husband's friends because I was not particularly fond of him (the husband).  We met at a bar during one of my visits to set up the bookstore.  I will save full first impressions for later...but it is worth mentioning that he blew me away.  We became Facebook friends and e-mailed regularly.  Through e-mail I got the impression from several statements that he was only interested in being just friends.  I have been down this road many, many times.  I know how it goes--so I prepared myself.  When I moved back to my hometown to open the store he asked me to join his volleyball team.  After our first practice some of the team went to the bar to celebrate our pathetic playing abilities.  


While at the bar, another volleyball player decided that she wanted some action and put her foot in the lumberjack's crotch!  I am sitting next to him and he texts me to tell me what is happening.  My first thought is:  "what am I supposed to do about it?  I am pretty sure that if he didn't want it there...it wouldn't be there!"  I shrug my shoulders and the night goes on....with two more texts about it.  Again, I keep thinking to myself:  "What does he want me to do about this? He keeps mentioning it....am I missing something?....he seems like a man who can handle himself!"  At the end of the night, it is just he and I left....and we stand outside the bar to chat.  He AGAIN brings up the foot-in-the-crotch incident...I am completely confused at this point, so he draws me a picture (on my arm--who brings a pen to the bar??) to show me that she was mad because I was being a cock-blocker!  I am appalled at this!  (My understanding of cock-blocker, at the time, is a woman who teases at the bar (or wherever) and after she gets what she wants (free drinks, whatnot), she leaves the guy hanging with no intention of following through what she alluded to).   This is not something that I aspire to!  So at this point ...I tell him "I wasn't trying to be one!" 


The next day I was talking to one of my married friends and I relayed the previous nights events... and my vexation.  I had come to the conclusion that I had to figure out how to check my behavior....I wanted to at minimum maintain my friendship with the lumberjack and I was afraid that I had done something to harm that friendship--he told me I was blocking him, after all!  


What she told me blew my mind!  Her take on the whole evening was that he was hitting on me!  I said "WHAT?!?  how is that possible?  how can being considered a cock-blocker be a come-on?"  THEN she explains it to me:  He was trying to tell me that I was blocking the other girl's advances because he and I were engrossed in conversation--interested.  He told me about her foot for me to react to it--maybe with jealousy or territoriality or something. I am even more confounded by this...sure I was jealous that he didn't stop her (he must have been enjoying it)...but what is the point of acting on it?  First, it wasn't my place--we were not involved.  Second, what is the point of being jealous? ....I am not going to beg and plead and I am not going to compete. If you don't want me...you don't want me, end of story.


As I attempted to wrap my brain around this particular explanation, I decide to get some other opinions.  After all, not everyone translates things the same way....and is this REALLY how it is?...being called something so vile as a means to show interest?  What ever happened to asking me out on a date?  The two other friends that I confided in, said basically the same thing!  I was in the twilight zone!  ...and I asked how do you KNOW that is what he was trying to do?  they told me that is how guys are....huh?  I just totally misread it!  Huh?!?  


I have no idea what he was really thinking, nor would I imagine I will ever know....or even if my friends were right...but by the power of the majority of my (successfully dating/married) friends...I was deemed yet again totally clueless....because I missed that class in high school!


...so this is my journey...I will explore the past to understand the present....and maybe, just maybe... this femi-nazi will get her fairy tale ending, chivalrous prince and all!