You see....Harry was right after all...

I know that I deluded myself in my youth that men and women can be friends with no issues.  I am not sure how that fact and it's relation to the the single most traumatic event in my dating career was partially forgotten for a while.  I know, this is what deluding yourself means...but still!  I thought I was smarter than that!


Once upon a time I was told they were "just friends" and since I was falsely secure in the relationship, I felt I had nothing to worry about.  But Sarah Adair changed all of that.  Recently, I found myself in the "Sarah" position and I couldn't stand it.  How could I be friends when all the time I was worrying if it would hurt the girlfriend?  I know it is not my job to worry about it...it is his... but having experienced the pain from the other end of it...I wanted to make sure she wasn't inadvertently hurt by anything I said or did.  No one deserves this.  As the unease grew, so did my realization that Harry was right...men and women cannot truly be just friends...someone always gets hurt in the end.  This time, like the last time, it was me.  But at least I feel more at peace because I know it was the right thing to do!

Hypocrisy leaves me tied in knots...

It is very difficult for me to ask for help, for a few reasons.  One, I was brought up in an environment where weakness was frowned upon.  Two, more often than not, when I ask for help I do not receive it or receive it begrudgingly.


I am an independent woman.  Not necessarily because I want to be, but because I have to be.  For more than 13 years I lived alone and not near family.  I counted on friends when I could, but most of the time it was only me that I could rely on.  Because of this, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to ask for help because I have been doing it myself for so long.  But, I do know my limitations--I ask for help when I cannot do it myself or alone.  


This leads me to my current frustration.  I am a person who needs a comfortable nest to relax in and feel peaceful at home.  This means that I need everything to be organized and in their place, among other things.  I recently moved in with a roommate for the first time in over 15 years, so this is doubly important that I find comfort at home.  Today, I tripped on boxes and while sitting on the floor I had to push back tears of frustration because I asked not one, not two, but three male humans to help me and nearly 8 weeks later I have still not received help. 


I have been told I am too independent and prickly (i.e., not soft and vulnerable) quite often by my father (the first person whom I asked).  So I ask him for help, because I truly need it.  But, if I keep asking, I am a naggy bitch.  So, I wait for a few weeks because I know he is busy.  But, because I am feeling anxious because things are not put away, I ask a friend.  He gives an excuse, but offers no other alternative time or method.  To me this means he does not want to help me.  If I push this issue, I am a psycho bitch.  Finally, earlier this week, I asked an acquaintance to help me.  He couldn't because his girlfriend does not like me.  (I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts on that).  I can't push that issue because then I am feminist bitch or a scheming bitch depending on your take....


So I am stuck.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  For years I have been told I am not feminine enough for reasons, like I don't ask for help and often turn down offers of it.  But, when I need help and ask for it...I don't get it.  So why would I ask for help?  Here is the hypocrisy....all these men make judgement on me because I am not the feminine ideal...but when I behave in that manner, they are not there to rescue me and be the strong, helpful man I need them to be...so really...why bother?


I guess I have to figure this out on my own....as usual....






.

Narcissick

I have always loved the song Narccisick by the Ragbirds...it is a fantastic representation of the negative side of narcissism...(at least I always viewed narcissism as about "how awesome I am")


which I never would have categorized myself....but really I am a narcissist.....


I tend to think the bad, annoying, frustrating or other negative behaviors elicited by others are because of me.  I.e., "they are avoiding me, ignoring me, mad at me...."  while on the flipside when nice, wonderful things happen...I tend to downplay it.  "They would do that for anyone....it's not a special thing...."   


so what does this mean?  Basically, I have become self-absorbed in my quest to change the negative to a positive.....and really I haven't come as far as I thought.... it seems my new found 2.0ness may be a bit superficial....

a time for reflection...the pot is much blacker than the kettle

Sadly, I am reminded of a Michael Jackson song.....Man in the Mirror.  I do like this song for it's message...but I always thought I was above being petty and judgmental.  After this interesting week of reflection, I realized that I am a hypocrite.

Recently, we have had a run on the 5 Love Languages book at the store.  I admit that I have a copy somewhere from a church bible study years ago...but I barely skimmed it.  I felt the book was geared toward married couples...and I wasn't in a relationship...so how would that be relevant?  I actually think I skipped a class on it because I was sick of hearing how this helped their marriage...blah, blah, blah.  It was difficult enough being the only single person in the bible study to begin with.  Well, I accidentally pulled the Singles Version off the shelf for a customer.  I didn't even know they made one....after a year and a half of organizing and straightening, I had never really looked at this book on my shelf.

So, I decided to give it a try....I took a deep breath, set aside my preconceptions and read it.  I liked that the book focused on all sorts of relationships from family to friends to coworkers.  I realize that it is basically the same information in the other book, just packaged differently....but I guess that is what I needed.

It makes total sense to me why I just needed to hear certain things.  It makes total sense now why I had frustrations with my family and friends.  It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was just that we spoke different languages. I began to try to figure out my family and friends...because I understand how not receiving messages in the language that is strongest makes me feel.  As I tried to figure it out...I realized that so many people have been communicating that they care about me...but I didn't see it.  Upon reflection, I realized that I have been, in essence, a hypocritical, selfish bitch.  What's worse...is that I have recently accused someone of  believing the world revolved around them...  and me being the pot in this situation...apparently has thought that about myself as well.  Why is it sometimes so hard to know ourselves?

Throughout this blog I have been lamenting this feeling that I am not enough...or I am too much... Not really accepting responsibility for it...for placing blame on others.... that is supremely easier isn't it?  But that doesn't make it true.

This revelation makes me rueful.  In the past month alone...

* a friend was kind enough to wake up early, drive her car to do something with me because I wanted to and didn't want to do it alone--how did I repay her?  When she really wanted to take some silly pictures...I refused...and made a joke about it.  Which inadvertently hurt her feelings!  Yep--what a bitch--it was all about me, me, me!  

*My mother passed on a compliment that my father had said...and I dismissed it, because I couldn't believe it.  I even made some comment about it and all of this after my father had generously picked up my dog and watched him when he had a lot of stuff to do.  Ungratefulness!  Bitchiness!  No wonder I am not daddy's little girl!

*Because I was so focused on what I needed, I did not show the true appreciation I felt for a friend helping me when I thought I hurt my dog.  He even mentioned it in defense...but did I acknowledge?  Nope!  I prattled on about not getting acknowledgement!  Hypocrisy abounds!

So, as you can imagine...I feel awful.  I truly care about my friends and family and am so grateful that they are there for me....even when I am prickly.  I am making an effort to show each of them how much I care, in the language they speak (if I can figure it out).  I am going to be apologizing and making it up to them in some fashion.  It may not be much....but honestly, I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the support and love of my friends and family....and hopefully these baby steps will help make up for it.  

I said before that no woman is an island....well, watch out.... I am trying to get rid of my crocodiles!

Autopsy File #601a

So...after all of the previous autopsies....I just gave up.   I realized that I was an adult....fairy tales do not happen...maybe to some people, but not to me.  Hell, I was hoping for the occasional Aesop Fable as opposed to Cinderella...that was more practical....but even that was not to be.  Instead I focused on getting back to Alpena. I realized that after the Jeep not starting incident and my second ever (and very scary) trip to the emergency room (where a co-worker sat with me)...that I was sick to death of being alone...of having only myself to depend on....I wanted to be near people who cared about me and could help me with no strings attached if I needed it....  I had to go home.  I was coming to terms that I would never find anyone...so I had to learn to live as a single for the rest of my life....but that didn't mean that I had to be without my family nearby.

For months I applied for jobs and worked on leads...and nothing....  Apparently having a Masters Degree is the kiss of death for jobs in Alpena :)...  I was ready to give up...Since I was going to have to stay there...I decided to buy a house in Grand Rapids (I really hate renting).  While in the process of dealing with their banks (they were going into foreclosure) which took longer than a normal house purchase....I heard about the Walden's closing in Alpena. It wasn't officially announced....but the rumor was on good authority... a seed began to take place....  I began working on a business plan and feasibility study....I was making at minimum monthly visits to Alpena.

It was on one of these visits that I met the Lumberjack.  The day that I was introduced to him...I had been feeling particularly stand-offish....and well that is how I treated him.  Not even saying hi, his name or shaking hands (as is customary when meeting someone)...he said some snarky comment about me texting or something....I was so sick of men especially those who think they are God's gift to women....I said something equally snarky back and proceeded to ignore him.  Unfortunately, as I drink...I loosen up....the friends I was with left to another part of the bar...and I was left sitting by myself next to the snarky lumberjack.  Somehow we ended up talking...I was drinking....I remember arguing about Tolstoy and British Literature...and that he was making up words...and that he had strong judgmental opinions and should learn to give people a chance...  

Normally, I am not this rude...but....sometimes the situation calls for it.  Apparently (according to my friends) we spent the evening talking and arguing and ignoring just about everyone else....  Surprisingly, he friended me on Facebook...  and thus it began....

The thing I remember the most was....I hadn't realized that everyone else was so boring until I had met him.  It was like I had just seen in color for the first time.  I didn't know what to make of it...so I did nothing....I wouldn't have time to think since I was opening a bookstore....besides....an incredibly intelligent, incredibly sexy red-head who had an ego the size of Texas would be too distracting... A week or so later, we began emailing each other daily...  We talked about myriad subjects...He could keep up with me... sometimes pass me...I became competitive (which I have never done with a boy)...we established a tit for tat kind of rapport that was not mean or nasty...and without realizing it....I had become smitten....crap!!!!  ...somehow I met a boy who could actually match me...this is not what I wanted at this stage of store opening...yet it was what I had been convinced would never happen...  ah the irony...

Unfortunately, through the course of our online conversations, he said things that pointed to the "he wanted us to be a just friends" kind of thing...same story, different person with a penis...  Thus, I began to edit and protect myself...I knew from past experience that if I let on that I had feelings for him...our friendship would be over.  Additionally, I thought I had protected myself not to let anyone in...I tried not to like him...I tried really.... hard.  But I failed...and by the time I moved here...I knew I had become one of those girls that he was derisive about....(he had said that being nice to girls was often mistaken as interest...and when they found out otherwise--they were upset).  

I knew it would be hard to be friends with him...but I thought I could handle it.... I looked forward to our conversations, our arguments...I had never met anyone so exciting....he kept me on my toes...challenged me....made be me better....  

We became tenuous friends in person...one day about 6 weeks into my move home, we went to the bar after volleyball practice...this is where the cockblocker incident took place.  The other thing that I remember about that night is that he put his hand on the small of my back and guided me out the door...that mere act turned my brain to mush...I was not prepared for further cockblocker onslaught.  I began to think that maybe I was wrong...maybe I had misinterpreted the just friends thing...maybe....just maybe....

So I sit back and try to figure out what is going on...have I misinterpreted?  Over the next 6 weeks or so...I become really, really confused...sometimes it seems that the just friends brakes are on...sometimes it seems that the maybe we might be going somewhere lights are on....and actually I find out...I just been taken for a ride....  After some confusing incidents...and one that really annoyed me...I asked point blank...in an email (since he seems to prefer not direct communication...I had tried to ask otherwise...but it didn't work out...always had people to protect him) ...I had my answer...he said we were just friends... no more no less....

I should have just left it at that--what I had already known....he didn't want me.... and I wasted 6 weeks of picking it apart....I  So I held my breath....because now it was out there...now we would probably not be friends anymore.... one more time I have to go through this....really?   sigh.....

Autopsy File #505

So....Bachelor #3....the final frontier....  I decided this was the last stab at internet dating....I was so tired of it all.


After a bit of a rocky start....a little miscommunication... we decided to meet after 3 months of electronic communication.  We had a great first date....and second and third....and after the 6th date, I thought...well....maybe....


Then it was his birthday...he was going out with friends (we were still in that stage)....and I decided to give him a small gift....nothing major some golf coupons and a cheesy pirate hat (he was into pirates)...I was nervous about doing this because...while I love giving friends gifts, I have learned that giving a guy you are dating a gift can be the kiss of death....and this one may have been the kiss of maiming....it seems that after this things took a turn...the next couple of "dates"  he just wanted to hang out and watch a movie at his house.... then the final day of our relationship came....


I had been at work on a Saturday....when I finally finished it was dark and my Jeep wouldn't start...and I was alone (in a city where I did not know many people).  The Mechanic was hanging out with his brother...so I didn't want to call him.  I called my dad...he couldn't diagnose from 4 hours away...I called several people...all of whom where out of town, didn't answer or had no idea how to help.  I was stuck...alone...in a not so nice neighborhood...so I decided to text the mechanic...maybe he could just tell me what to do.... He was mad that I texted....I told him I was stranded, I knew he was busy...but could he please help?   He asked if I could call anyone else (really?) I told him I tried.  He begrudgingly came to help me.  I was pissed but I said nothing because I really needed help.  


He helped as quickly as he could...kissed me good bye and left....   on Tuesday I texted him...no response....I wait a few days and try an e-mail...no response.... he usually texted me everyday.  I honestly wanted to tell him my frustration....this is why I rarely ask for help...it normally turns out  like this....  But after a few more days, I finally figure it out...he is done with me...(which is good since I didn't want to be with a man I couldn't count on in a pinch).  But what makes me mad is that he just stopped and ignored me.  I wanted to talk to him...to explain why this wasn't going to work.... Instead he took the childish route... I was even angrier....how dare he be so disrespectful....I did not get the opportunity to say what I wanted to say!!   I decided to write him a letter.  I poured out my hurt feelings in a few sentences...basically it said "Be an adult, if you don't want to be with someone GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS and say it."  Yep...I did that....LOL!  Did he learn anything?  probably not...did I?  Yes...I will never internet date again...I may look around...but that is it.  And I was also done with dating in general...it was a waste of my time.

A real case of a Cock Blocker

So I started this blog with an example of my cluelessness in male-female relationships....the "cock blocker" comment.  All of the sudden it hit me...I have experienced the wrath of a true cock blocker....(and really?  I was put in this class?)


So...the Cap'n...(that is his nickname amongst the group--I can't remember why...something to do with a hat...) He was a friend of a friend and we were at a music festival.  We hit it off as friends immediately...partly because we were the only two unnattached people in the crowd of over a dozen or so....so when the couples did "couple things"...we were by default left alone.  He was pretty cool and easy to talk to.  The first evening we were hanging out...laying on a blanket...talking and listening to music.  I was enjoying his company...not really thinking about anything else....now I have no idea if it were going anywhere....I really didn't think about it or try to assess...it was just good companionship.....


By the third evening I was thinking...hmmmm...I wonder what he thinks...  I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to ruin the time for my friends if I totally misread things.....  As we were walking back to our campsites....this one woman (whom I had an immediate dislike for when we met three days prior) pulled the Cap'n off to the side and very loudly asked if he was going to "hit that fat girl as his Bliss fuck"....everyone heard this and I was embarrassed and angry.  I didn't turn around...just kept going until back in the tent.  The next morning the Cap'n was nowhere to be seen...he missed breakfast for the first time.  Later I found him on a blanket by himself at one of the stages....I asked if the whole group was meeting there and if I could put my blanket down.  He said he didn't know and shrugged his shoulders...I tried to have conversation with him...he ignored me.  He didn't speak with me again.


That loud annoying woman was a cock blocker...even if he didn't think of me in that way...so how on earth is that possibly a way to say you are interested in someone?  I am pretty sure my friends were wrong....I must have stopped the Lumberjack from getting laid and he was trying to tell me to stop whatever it was that I was doing.


and really...just once...one time....I would love for someone to care enough to fight for me....to ignore the others and say "hey you are cool...I don't care what X says..."  to try to get past my wall....  I am 35 and it hasn't happened yet...so the chances are slim to none now.

Autopsy File #502

Well...the experience with WoW boy made me start thinking again....maybe just maybe...I would try to see what is out there....

So more than six months after him...I was convinced to try online dating again....  I didn't hold any high expectations based on my last experience....but I was in a different city so I decided to try a different service...I figured this one was cheaper and all the "compatibility" crap was useless the last time....

After 6 first dates that either he or I decided didn't work...I met the metal artist.  He was an odd combination...ex military (so he had the military type attitude) but also an artist....I was intrigued by him... he read things I had never read...and we had interesting conversations.....it was sometime between the third and fourth dates that I began to see something different emerge....He had strong opinions...but they veered towards racism, stereotyping and judgementalism....and my opinions were being minimalised...

After some thought, I called him (he lived in a different city)....I told him that I thought that we were too different and thanked him...I did this as nicely as possible.  I hated to do it...I don't like hurting people's feelings...but it had to be done.  He was quiet on the phone...said something to the effect of "if that's what you want".  And I thought we were done.  Apparently not.  On came the negative e-mail onslaught.  He had decided to tell me everything that was wrong with me and why I was still single!  He talked about my too wide hips and large legs, my opinionated nature, my chipped tooth, my lack of reading intellect, my need to adjust menu items and so much more....  I thought..."really?  Who does he think he is?".  I will admit that the words stung when first read...but then came the anger...he barely knew me!  We had e-mailed for a couple of months, talked on the phone a couple more...before meeting....  I unfortunately let the anger get the best of me...I hadn't planned to respond to his childish drivel....but I couldn't help the snarkiness that came out.  I sent back one sentence.  Why did you continue to ask me on dates then?  Oh yeah...I was stupid....I can't believe I didn't see this coming....damn naivety!  At least his response was the final email.  He responded "Ugly girls are easy fucks."  

I took a deep breath.  This was hard.  I knew he was just lashing out...but he was pointing out some things that I had been trying to get past...some "soft spots" that I struggled with...  Inherently I know that I am a good, worthwhile person.  But if you continuously get the message that you are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough, etc...you start to believe it.  I had this nagging little voice that he was right....that I had to keep battling.  In the end...I am so glad I went with my gut on this one....it goes show that it takes a while to really get to know someone...and that small things do make a difference...if you catch them right away.

I decided to keep trying...so on to the next one!

:)

Autopsy File #406

So....after writing the firefighter off....I took a break from meeting anyone....but I was still communicating...with the Nurse.  The Nurse was actually a former EMT who changed jobs due to burn out.....not sure why that is relevant...but it is what I remember :)  He was funny, kinda cute and seemed pretty smart.  So after a while...I figured it might be fun to meet him face to face.  On our 3rd date we were supposed to meet at the amusement park.  My car was in the shop so he offered to pick me up.  Not wanting to have a virtual stranger in my house, I had a friend pose as my "roommate"...she went to walk my dog as soon as he came to the door (not going far).  met him at the door and he asked if he could use the restroom.  I said sure and offered a tour of my house.  When I showed him my room (had to go through it to access the bathroom) he came up behind me and poked at me with his penis in an effort to suggest that we should "have some fun before going out".  I ignored it and kept going.  He came out of the bathroom and met me in the living room.  


Apparently while in the restroom, he received a "call" to go back to work....I said that I was confused, since he was the one who picked this night as it was one of the two nights he wasn't on call this week.  He just said he had to go.  I never heard from him again.  I tried texting once...and received no response...     Curious...I saw that I had been removed/blocked from a match online.  Stumped I tried to figure out what had happened.  We hadn't done anything...I didn't think I said anything (which is usually my problem---I open my mouth am misunderstood and they go a runnin!)....  I talked to some of my friends...and the consensus was that he just wanted to get laid!  Again?!  Really?  Is that ALL that they want?  nothing more?    


I started to think that if I had any chance at going past "dating" that I would have to consider relaxing my own rules....I didn't want to...but I was getting older and the pickings more sparse....I guess sex is all they really want....sigh....

Autopsy File #405

I waited a few months before I began dating again...this time I decided to try eHarmony.  I am not particularly found of internet dating but several of my good friends found the great guys they married on this site.  I went out on dates with several people.  Only three made it to the second or more date level.  The next three files are about those three....


I went out on 5 total dates with the Firefighter.  He seemed nice and fun, had a great sense of humor and was cute.  I didn't feel a major chemistry...but there was something.  The 5th date was a BBQ at a friends house.  I was surprised at meeting friends at this stage...but I was going to go with the flow.  In the late afternoon he and two of his friends and their girlfriends were going to his house to go into the hot tub.  He invited me to come along.  


I ran home for my suit and met him at his house (after I got lost 3 times!)  One other couple was already there....the other had to check on their kids.   Then the other couple decided to go and get beer and I was alone with the firefighter.  We got into the hot tub and after a few minutes he became friskier than normal.   After my prior experiences, I had held him off by being alone with him in public places....I totally missed this one...I should have known better.  I had to stop him....I tried to explain that we were not going there....he asked why....so I told him.  I would not have sex with him unless we were in a committed relationship.  Oh yeah...he freaked....felt like I was boxing him in!  Even though I was just telling him why...not pushing him to go further....after the BBQ and meeting his friends I wasn't sure I wanted to do that anyway.   And in a moment of clarity...I asked if that was why his friends left?  He said yes.  Oh wow....total high school moment there!


I learned that there is apparently no good way to say the truth to a man.  He twists it into something else.  Don't ask me if you don't want an honest answer.  I have tried the other way...talking around it...alluding...it is so much more frustrating for me....probably because I didn't learn how to do it in that class....  

Autopsy File #404

So....after living in the city for a couple of years....I found that most men I dated...didn't want to date any further if I wouldn't have sex with them.  I was disappointed and growing despondent...where were the good men?  the respectful ones?  I hadn't found any!  Well, one day at a store a gentleman helped me out...while at the car...he asked for my number.  I thought....well, why not?  I won't tell you his nickname yet....  

We began dating...our schedules were different (I worked afternoons and he worked midnights)...so we met a couple of times a week for breakfast and every other weekend hung out on the evening that he didn't work.  Two months in...he said he wanted a baby!  I freaked!  I told him that I would not do that on purpose unless I were married.  He tried to talk me into it...I left early.   He apologized and I told him I would not speak of it again.  About 3 weeks later....he told me he was going away for the weekend to see his cousin.  When he returned, he told me he was moving in with another cousin (his roommate was transferred out of state).  I offered to help.  

It was late on a Sunday evening after we finished packing and cleaning....I was tired.  He wanted to go out for a drink...I wanted to go home.  He walked me to my car...all of the sudden this Suburban comes barreling down the road and nearly runs me over.  Holy Cow!  The brakes screech to a halt and this woman flies out cussing and screaming!  I was shocked and a little afraid.  She was calling me not so nice names...I have never even laid eyes on this woman...so I ask him who she is...since she obviously knows him.  She answers for me:  "I'm his ________wife, you ___ _____ _____!  There is no denial from the Married Fucker.

I am so shocked that I cannot speak!  wife?  was I that stupid to miss that?  I got in my car and left...there was no way I was sticking around! I do not play this game!  She then began a one month long harassment of calls at all hours (which by the way...the police won't bother with--thankfully she didn't know where I lived!)  He came over one time after this....to apologize and explain.....(which is the only reason I let him in).  Apparently he was dating the both of us....he preferred me (so he says)...but because I did not want to have children (I didn't bother to correct him on this one) and she already had some...he asked her to marry him.  The visiting of the "cousin" was his wedding. The moving in with his "cousin" was moving in with her!  I was such a fool to have missed this!  Thankfully I did not love the married fucker.  But, he apparently thought I did...because after explaining...and apologizing...he was trying to get me to keep seeing him!  really?  the nerve!  I told him to leave and to never contact me again!  See?  this is where that karma bomb may have gone off in my face?  LOL   

Surprisingly, he tried calling once a week for a couple of months...sometimes leaving messages, sometimes not...I never picked up or called him back (I even re-saved his name as the married fucker on my phone)....his wife found out...left me a nasty message (I always let an unknown number go to voicemail :) ).  Then he started calling me on his new number, but this time  it was only about once a month...this went on for almost three years...with more and more time in between calls.  I refused to change my number over this nonsense....and thankfully I haven't heard from him in a couple of years....maybe he finally accepted it??

This is where I began to think that maybe I should clearly state or we should have a conversation about exclusivity or where we stand...or where we want to go....it seems that it is all so murky....and since I missed that class...I don't have any idea how to do this without being blunt....because unfortunately...bluntly stating my opinion can seem like an ultimatum....I wish I knew how to negotiate this part of dating....

Autopsy File #401

So onto Mr.  GreenCard....  He was a grad student in a program similar to mine.  During my second year...we formed teams between the two universities for a project.  He was on my team.  We became fast friends....he had a quick wit and an interesting view of the world.  Even after I left grad school...we kept in touch.   While I enjoyed his conversations...I felt no chemistry.  We were just friends....and he felt the same way....it was refreshing!  After PTI I really didn't want to date anyone...I had to get myself out of the funk before I was with someone again....I was concerned that I would be mired in the same hole...but with a different person!

During my three year hiatus from men....Mr.  GreenCard was coming to the area for a visit....we decided to go to dinner...after dinner he wanted to go dancing....we had a great time.  He dropped me back at my place....and kissed me!  I was totally unprepared for this!  I was confused...how could this be...he has given no inclination....(I missed that class...but I was learning a few of the signals...)  I quickly said goodnight and shut the door.  I had to think!  The next day he called and asked me to go to lunch.  I was nervous...I knew I had to talk about what happened...I didn't feel anything for him...(and he was a bad kisser!).  I shouldn't have worried.  He explained everything to me at lunch.  to make a long story short....his student visa was running out and he wanted to stay in the US....he asked me to marry him....to get his green card!

I politely refused....and unfortunately this seems to have ended our friendship.  Any communication I sent his way was ignored....too bad....he was fun to talk to!

I put him in the Autopsy files because...there were three men in a row that asked me to marry them in some way....I thought this was strange....and I might have just pissed off karma....

The Curse of Independence

I always remember being independent....as a child, my parents called it "mouthy".  I had an opinion, I could take care of myself, I didn't need help...  as an adult, my pa calls it "overbearing".  I don't know where these tendencies began....but I can look back and see how it was honed.


I remember coming home from school in 3rd or 4th grade.  I had been teased mercilessly that day and I never wanted to go back.  I had had to get a bra (the earliest in the class) the teasing that followed pushed me over the edge.  I had been teased daily about my looks and my weight...I was ALMOST handling that....but this particular day I couldn't handle it anymore (the girls were even worse than the boys).  (As I write this, I am crying...old wounds can be so deep).  I was (and am) very sensitive.  Words slice through me like razors...I have tried to ignore them...but when you grow up learning how important the "word" of God is and how He created everything by speaking it....it is hard to separate this from sticks and stones may break my bones...but words will never hurt me.  Words hurt me...the said ones...the unsaid ones...I came home looking for support (all I wanted to do was cry, be hugged, and told that they were wrong and it would be ok)...in return I was told to tough it out...suck it up.  (Incidentally this reasoning is how I am walking around today with a deformed knuckle...but that is another story).   Another (one of many) I asked the man I was dating to help me with my kayak....we had confirmed the night before...I ended up doing it by myself....he went to lunch with a friend instead. Through this, I learned that I could only really count on myself.  Strangely this repeats itself through out my life...when something happens...I stand strong...alone...whatever that is out there hurting me, cutting me...I must defend myself, protect myself...there is no one out there to do it for me...so I must.  It is survival.  But what I really want...actually... really need...is someone to hold me, let me cry it out and tell me it is going to be ok...that I am worth fighting for.


This morphed over time to not asking for help unless I could not find anyway else to do it myself.  Often it was hit or miss if people said they would help and if the even follow through with it.  It became worse as I wanted to learn to lean a little on the men in my life.  I found that it hurt more when I was involved with that person...I had an expectation that they would help me (I don't ask often).  Many times I was let down...it was very frustrating.  I remember being so stressed out before the store opened...that I shared my fears and needs with a friend (whom I trusted myself to maybe be vulnerable with--I was wrong)...I was vulnerable (which is not a comfortable spot for me to be in---when you are your own protector and you are vulnerable--there is no one to back you up).  He made a joke and told me to have this guy whom I am creeped out by help me.  Talk about lack of support....(my fragile vulnerability jumped right back into the turtle shell...layers between me and the world...I felt moderately safe again)!  The times in my life where someone has helped me without me asking have melted my heart and made me mushy inside.  The strong, independent girl has had a hard time reconciling that.  But, what I really want is for a man to be strong so I can be mushy on occasion and not worry about my vulnerabilities.


So here is my connection between feminism and chivalry.  They are by no means mutually exclusive.  Both are about respect.  And about having my cake and eating it to.  I want to be my own person, make decisions and compromises, and know that I will have the support at the end of the day....the man to protect me from the world...because...I am tired.

Autopsy File #301

I met the Marine when my roommate and I went out for the evening early in my senior year of college.  He was funny and he seemed interested in my roomie.  I became the wing-woman (something I am fairly good at...)...   I had very tentatively built a fragile bridge to trust.  It had been almost two years....I guess I should try again, I thought to myself....and began scanning the room....the marine stayed with us the whole night...he was ok to talk to...kinda cute if you like the military type...  my roommate then told him that I (the designated driver and the only one who had a car) would be taking him home....It might have been nice if she had asked me...but as I would learn...this is how roomie was when she drank.


He became a fixture in our apartment...as my roommate fell deeper and deeper into alcoholism.  I was not completely comfortable around the marine... something about him rubbed me the wrong way.... I just couldn't put a finger on it....but he was roomie's boyfriend...I would have to tolerate him.  One evening we were watching movies and she passed out during the movie.  He talked to me for a bit.....I was trying to be polite.  Uncomfortable, I said that I was going to bed...would he need help taking roomie to her room?   He said no...and I read in my room.  A few minutes after I turned out the light he crawled into bed with me!  (I wished I had a locking door!)....I pushed him off and asked him "what the hell was he doing?!".  He said that how could I deny that we had had a connection....that he was just using her to get to me...I told him to leave my room....he told me that I turned him on so much that he could rape me right now.....WHAT??!!  (this was not said in a menacing way...but still!)  I grabbed my cel phone and dialed 911.  He became angry and asked my what I was doing...I told him that I had called the police and that if he didn't leave right now, I would have him arrested.  He left (after calling me not so nice names).


In the morning, when my roommate finally stumbled out of her room.  I told her what had happened.  She was pissed with me!  I was flabbergasted!  She accused me of trying to steal her boyfriend....really?!?!  She left to go find him.  She didn't come back for two days.  I was worried about her...but had no means to contact her. I called her parents and asked if she had gone home.  They said no...and unfortunately, now I got them worried!  When she finally arrived home...she was still mad....but they "worked things out".   For the next couple of days, she avoided me.   I was going home for the weekend...I hoped some time would help her out.
When I arrived back, most of my furniture and belongings were gone.  She had moved out and took most of my stuff!


I was sad and relieved at the same time.  I thought roomie and I were friends.  But all too often it seems that women allow men to get in between their friendships.  I (as usual) am the different one.  I didn't believe a guy worth it to completely diss your friends.  Your friends will always be there...through thick and thin....and by my meager experience, guys will not usually be.  I understand wanting to spend time with him....but not at the expense of your friends.  I really missed something with this class...how do you negotiate friendships with women hell bent on competitiveness over guys? 


A few months later, I ran into a mutual friend and she told me the story of what happened to my former roommate.  Her parents had come to get her.  They checked her into the hospital.  And the worst part of it was what I found out about the marine.  Apparently, roomie let it slip that I was still a virgin...and he thought he would help me out with that....holy cow!  Thank God that he left and really didn't try anything!  I can defend myself to a point...but this guy had been a marine...who knows what kind of skills he had?!  I was being watched over that day for sure!


After this experience, I really started to think about the phrase I have heard from many girl friends "he only wants sex"....I had really thought that men weren't that base...at least the ones I knew....I would learn as I got older :)

Autopsy File #201b

I found out what was really happening with PK two days later.  He was dating the girl from my hall (the soccer slut).  She was in his sister sorority.  I was flabbergasted and devastated at the same time.  Things like that really happen!!??  I was in a haze for the next two weeks, begrudgingly planning the annual end of the year party my friends and I had.  I was really in no mood to socialize and was really glad to be getting out of there.  The day before my party, PK called.  I refused the call and my roommate took the message.  When I finally looked what he said...I was shocked.  He wanted to come to the party (he had been helping plan it until this point).  My roomie wanted me to tell him where to go....but I needed to work on this (we would be seeing each other everywhere for the next two years...I had to figure it out now)...so I told her she could tell him he could come.  I braced myself.  

Then the unbelievable happened.  He came to the party and he brought HER!  I was furious!  I will admit that I am not proud of my next actions....but they are what they are.  I literally grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the room.  I actually began to yell and call names (that rarely happens).  I asked him what the fuck was he thinking?! and a lot more not so nice stuff.  (I had really wanted to be mature about this...but....alas).  I calmed myself down and I said that we have always been friends and I deserve respect.  I deserve to know what is going on.  That him bringing her is unacceptable and when we were done...they were leaving!  I finally said...I damn well deserve to know why and he was going to tell me.  He said he would give me two of the reasons (there were more??) This is what he said:

1)  I did not get jealous.  He tried to make me jealous....and I didn't become psycho-jealous girl...therefore I didn't really care for him!  What?!?!  what kind of crazy logic is that?  I was secure in the relationship...I TRUSTED him.  PK began hanging out with the soccer slut...and I didn't have an issue....why would I say he couldn't hang out with friends?  I wasn't worried.  He was a respectful man AND he was with me.  He was MY boyfriend.  I thought I didn't have to worry....I was really, really wrong.  He wanted me to bend myself into a pretzel...to react in a certain way to get the desired effect (what was so wrong with actually communicating to me??  instead a game was played....yeah, I know...men are from Mars...).  He wanted me to somehow prove/do something to assuage his own self-esteem issues....I was "not enough"...I was apparently supposed to contort myself into something else....

2) PK liked me being a "strong woman"...BUT he also wanted to make all of the important decisions.  Reason number two for the break up was that he felt that I wasn't committed to the relationship.  The rationale for this thought?  I wanted to wait to get married until we were out of college.  I truly wanted to marry him--and at the time would have.  I also wanted to be practical and ensure that we finish our degrees. Maybe he was right...that I didn't love him enough to try to make it "on our own" during college (I had so many concerns:  no means of full income, no health insurance, lessened student loans, etc.  )... My idea of a long engagement was not what he wanted...he wanted me to accept his direction....like a sheep.  You can't have it both ways...

His revelations devastated me.  They completely changed my worldview.  I trusted him.  I was betrayed.  I found out later he was trying to figure out how to break up with me to date her for several weeks.  She was pretty and skinny and popular.  I was not.  She villainized me...and our mutual friends chose sides (theirs) without even hearing my side.  I learned again that women will compete for men, be damned the consequences and sometimes cannot be trusted....and that men cannot communicate effectively.  Actions matter.  It took me a long time to get over this.   But I realized much later that this was for the best.  One of his tendencies that annoyed me then still does....and I realized that we were not meant to be.  At the time I had unfortunately took a hit to my self esteem and my trust of men....I made some really stupid relationship decisions during this time.

Autopsy File #201a

In my short history with boys as not having cooties....I find myself remembering the summer before my senior year and the two plus years that follow.  The Preacher's Kid (PK) was a friend of mine.  We had volunteered on numerous events over the previous year.  He was a grade behind me and I never noticed him as anything else...until the summer before my senior year.  He was cute, funny, smart and nice.  We had great conversations and similar values.  I noticed my feelings change for him that summer...but from past experience, I knew that if I wanted to keep the friendship, I could not let on that I had more than "friendly" feelings for him.  As the school year progressed, it became even harder to squelch those feelings.  He confided in me that he liked this particular girl...my heart was hurt.  Fortunately (for me), his feelings for her subsided. (he never seemed interested in me....but one had to have hope :))  Near the end of the year, prom was approaching.  I was really dreading prom.  I wanted to go to my senior prom, but going stag seemed so pathetic.  I had decided that I would ask a friend.  I asked PK. After nearly two weeks of waiting (and assuming that it had happened YET again--he thinks I like him...therefore he has to run away)...he said that he would go with me!  I was ecstatic!  I was going to prom....not with a boyfriend, but going nonetheless!

We had a great time!  I never asked him to slow dance...and to my surprise...he asked me to!  I did not let myself get too excited...but it was great.  We began to hang out more and more over the summer before college.  It was a month before I was to go and he and I were walking from his house to a friends house.  All of the sudden, he put his arm around me....I was uncomfortable...I didn't understand what was happening...then....he tried to kiss me!  I had no idea!  I was talking through my nervousness and had turned away!  It took the few remaining minutes of the walk for me to figure out what had just happened!  I was kicking myself, but had no idea how to proceed.  (this is where that class would have been nice!  LOL) On the walk back to his house, I waited at the end of the drive before I got into my truck.  It seemed like eons, but was only a minute or two.  I wanted to give him a chance to try again if that is what he was doing...nothing happened...so I turned to go (very disappointed, but resigned)...he stopped me....then...he kissed me!  Oh my gosh!  It was so thrilling!

As I drove home, I thought"that was so awesome" "wait...what now?  what do I do?"  He took me to a movie the next day and things just progressed from there.  He was calling me his girlfriend...and I thought wow...this is what it feels like!  Over my first year in college he visited as often as he could; wrote me daily and sent me mixed tapes.  We spent tons of time together on my breaks...and made plans.  He even survived Christmas with my family!  I was falling in love!  About a month before summer break, he came for one last visit.  He brought me flowers...we had a great weekend!  As I was kissing him goodbye another girl from my hall came up and brushed rudely past.  She and I had never been friendly (I thought that anyone who had a goal of sleeping with the entire soccer team and bragging about it had some major issues!).  I came back up to my dorm room and she was waiting for me.  Curious, I asked her what she wanted.  She said:  "I am going to steal your boyfriend...you are too fat and ugly to deserve him!"  I was appalled.  I had been polite to her...and I didn't warrant this treatment.  I brushed it off (even though the comment about my appearance was still stinging.)  PK loved me....she was just jealous!

During summer break, PK decided to attend the same college I was attending.  He and I had our first fight.  I felt that he really wanted to go to Hope and was choosing Alma because I was there.  I did not want to be a reason for regret. He ended up at Alma and things went very well...for a while.  I enjoyed having my boyfriend on campus and we spent what time our busy schedules would allow together.  Second semester he decided to rush a fraternity....and he started talking about us getting married!  Shortly after that, things began to change.  He started to become distant and I figured he needed a little room...we were young...college changes you.  He even ditched my birthday because he wanted to hang out at the "house"....I was pissed and I talked to him about it.  He said, give me a month to think about things.  I figured we were done.  I was upset.  Three weeks later he came back and apologized.  Things went back to the way they were during the good times.  I felt surer of our love than ever before.  We had made it through some changes.  A month before school was done....he started to completely ignore me.  I was so confused....I asked him to go on a walk with me....  Surprisingly, he agreed.  I asked him what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.  I was shocked and hurt!  I tried to stop the tears...but I couldn't.  I wanted to be so strong....  I asked him why he chose this....he said "You don't deserve to know".

Autopsy File #103

Since the beginning of freshman year...I hadn't even bothered to "look" at a boy.   My friends were enamored by the fact that I knew so many hot guys (former teammates)...and they couldn't figure out how I found absolutely none of them even remotely appealing.  Besides... I was busy.  I continued to play softball, volunteered at the library and Boys & Girls Club, got a job and was in many, many (very nerdy) afterschool groups. (I mean really nerdy:  Science Olympiad, Odyssey of the Mind, French Club, Key Club, Masquers Club, etc...too bad there wasn't an A/V Club.... lol) I was rising the ranks of Key Club.  By my junior year I was vice-president and the albino was treasurer.  We had worked together on many projects.  He was very shy, smart, funny and kinda cute...and  I confided in a friend that liked him.  (is there a pill for this disease?)   I didn't plan on doing anything about it...I wanted to remain friends.   Inadvertently, she let the cat out of the bag....


This became another instance of the whole "men and women can't be friends" issue.  Immediately, he began avoiding me...and I let him. I had hoped we would remain friends, but we no longer worked on any projects together (his choice) and there was no extra conversations after the meetings.  I was disappointed...and dejected.  I began to think that there was something wrong with me....

Autopsy File #102

So after my self-imposed hiatus from boys, I found myself crushing again.  It is a sickness....I thought I had been in remission!


In the summer between 8th and 9th grades...I was befriended the sister of one of my brother's All*Star teammates.  All the other girls were mean and catty and more into what they were wearing and the boys than into the game.  I had already decided boys were not worth my time....and besides...I love baseball!  It is my all time favorite spectator sport!  I especially love minor league games...  Anyway, I was glad to have someone to chat with while I watched the games.  Her brother, the baseballer, was one of the few teammates who was nice to us.  He would come over and talk on occasion.  One day I noticed that he had gorgeous brown eyes.  So despite my boycott (apt word!) I started to crush.  All summer long she and I spent time at each other's houses...I got to know her brother better...it was great.  She also admitted to having a crush on my brother...it was fun to pretend that maybe one day we could be sisters (how young I was!  the thoughts that go through a young girl's head).


By the middle of summer we had decided that we would do something to get each other's brother to notice us.  We agreed on notes that we would bring home.  After delivery, my brother responded to her that she was a nice girl, but...he was not interested.  The baseballer, on the other hand, ignored my letter.  I was sad.  What was worse, is that his sister stopped talking to me altogether.  When I asked her what was going on, she admitted that she didn't really like me and only wanted to get closer to my brother!  I was shocked!  I learned later that this is part of that class that I missed....I could not fathom befriending someone for the sole purpose of advancing one's dating career.  I prefer to be real...to be real friends without some hidden agenda...otherwise it is manipulation.  (I will note that this is different than being polite/friendly to someone in the group of friends that you do not like.  This is good social practice.)


To make matters worse.  When I arrived at my first soccer practice...the boys...my teammates....began to make fun of me.  Apparently the baseballer had told his friends what I had done!  I was embarrassed.  I wanted to quit soccer altogether.  They were mean.  I took a deep breath and decided to not let them spoil my fun (it was my favorite sport to play)...and it eventually blew over. That was a rough year for soccer...and I had decided that I would not play next year (after having been the only girl in the league for 3 years)...I started to feel like I didn't belong...I learned to act like one of the guys, but hated it when they forgot I was a girl.  When school started the baseballer pretended I didn't exist.


From this experience I learned two things.  First, if you are friends with a boy and you like him and he doesn't feel the same way....the friendship is basically over.  It is just too uncomfortable or something.  Secondly, many girls are catty, competitive and manipulative.  When it comes to boys, their motivation is often not to be trusted.  I am pretty sure, looking back through my adult eyes, that this was definitely a major subject in that class I missed!  I never learned the "art" of female competitiveness.   And I don't think this is a bad thing....I believe people should be treated respectfully...because...well...that is what I want too! :)

Autopsy File #101

When I started thinking about how I am learning to balance my values, I decided that I need to explore the past to understand the present.  So...a la High Fidelity...I will attempt to recall to the best of my ability....hopefully it will resemble historical accuracy :)  note:  I will not be searching them down to talk to them.... LOL


Let's begin at the beginning....


The Hockey Nut was my first crush.  It was seventh grade.  I had been playing sports with the boys for a few years and I didn't see them as anything but teammates....not as hot junior high boys (as the rest of my friends saw them) :)  Then something changed...in my class of 17 kids...there was this older boy....  He had beautiful black curly hair that he could never seem to control....and the most beautiful blue eyes adorned with long lashes (you know the ones that girls are jealous about...)...he was funny and he played hockey.  I like hockey...everything about the sport fascinates me....the ice...how they can play in skates...the violence....  My family does not care for hockey....so the hockey nut was perfect to talk to about the games I followed!


(As a side note...even at the age of 13, I thought goalies were the most intriguing of players...but what I couldn't appreciate at that age was:  what else that level of skill and flexibility means.  What hot-blooded American woman doesn't get a little twinge in the nether-regions when they think of what goalies can do on the ice...and how that translates to the bedroom!)  The hockey nut was not a goalie.  I can't recall the position he played....but that is nether here nor there...  


When it was time for the one dance that was allowed at Catholic school...I was so excited!  I was hoping that he would ask me to dance!  I had on my favorite dress and attempted to tame my hair...As a disclaimer...the boys tended to use the girls they danced with as battering rams...running the girls into each other...nonetheless...I wanted to dance.  I sat under the watchful eye of the head nun with all the other girls...one by one the other girls were asked to dance.  The hockey nut had asked Amanda to dance and I was disappointed...but we still had an hour to go.  The time came and went....it was the last song.  I tried to keep positive...and then....he came over and asked me to dance!  I was ecstatic! My first dance!  The hockey nut didn't talk to me....he tried to run me into other girls....then it was over and he walked away!  What a confusing experience!  At the end of the day we were getting ready to leave and I saw my brother with the hockey nut.  They seemed engrossed in conversation...I was intrigued.  When my brother came over he wouldn't tell me what they talked about.  I was angry...but I focused on the fact that I had my very first dance!


The next day there seemed to be a rumor going around...I talked to my classmates to find out the news.  They wouldn't tell me.  Finally at lunch time I found out what all the fuss was about.  My brother had paid the hockey nut to dance with me!  He had to pay him $5 to get him to do it!  I was mortified!  I know my brother meant well.... but... So, the hockey nut didn't even like me.  I heard through the grape vine that he thought I was too fat and brainy.  I was very discouraged! 


This experience definitely shaped my interactions with the opposite sex.  I felt that I wasn't pretty enough or desired (in fact it seemed that my brother tended to agree--since he had to persuade someone otherwise).... and that my brain (which I am so proud of) was actually a detriment.  So I decided that boys were stupid and if they couldn't handle someone smarter than them...then that it was their issue!  I wouldn't even look at a boy in the "more-than-a-friend" way for over a year.....

A case in point....

So what class am I speaking of, you ask?  The class that teaches women how to play "the game"...how to use their feminine wiles....and most importantly how to translate the language and behavior of people with penises--and persuade them in your direction.  You know...the class where they show episodes of a program (a la the deer watching show on the outdoor network) where some women are whispering (so not as to frighten) while deciphering the behavior of some men in the wild...and going after the kill....


Actually, that class probably started in Junior High....it seems to nowadays....but...even if I knew it existed, at the time I wouldn't have signed up based on the reason that I find it hard to get past the ridiculousness of not being yourself, playing games and conniving your way into "getting a guy" when he should have had the balls to go after you....because isn't that the the law of nature?  Men are peacocks...the peahen chooses the worthiest....not the other way around....but as I have aged, I have realized...the peahen has her part in the mating ritual too....I have been so femi-nazi that I didn't learn how to play my part....


I have learned some things from my experiences, but the application of this education has been hit or miss....  At the beginning of this year I made a commitment to myself to become more positive....not to assume that people are attacking me....as part of this process I evaluated many things.  I have always found it difficult to balance my values with my needs....and sometimes I vascilate between feminist and doormat...and I wanted to try to find the middle-ground that makes me happy.  I have learned that is difficult for people with penises to understand that a strong woman can most certainly take care of herself, but still wants comfort, safety and a hero at the end of the day.  And this is the bane of my current femi-nazi soul:   Having a spine makes you undesirable as men want softer women...but if you show your softer side via the methods learned in class, you feel like a doormat!  And while I am perfectly capable of living without a man...I find that I would prefer not to... (and while I am loathe to admit it...I do need the help of a big, strong man).  For all of the complication and headache that they are....they still excite me!


So...the biggest issue with missing that class is that I am expected to behave in the manner taught... as it is assumed that I have graduated from "charm school".  While I am grappling with my throwing out the baby with the bathwater...I am trying to take remedial classes.  To illustrate my point, I will give my current favorite example of  interaction with the confounding sex.  


To start with some background:  I met "the Lumberjack" (I will use nicknames to protect the innocent) because he was a friend of one of my friends' husband (what a mouthful--"that's what she said" comes to mind...eek!).  She had mentioned the lumberjack two years previous....but I was not interested in meeting any of her husband's friends because I was not particularly fond of him (the husband).  We met at a bar during one of my visits to set up the bookstore.  I will save full first impressions for later...but it is worth mentioning that he blew me away.  We became Facebook friends and e-mailed regularly.  Through e-mail I got the impression from several statements that he was only interested in being just friends.  I have been down this road many, many times.  I know how it goes--so I prepared myself.  When I moved back to my hometown to open the store he asked me to join his volleyball team.  After our first practice some of the team went to the bar to celebrate our pathetic playing abilities.  


While at the bar, another volleyball player decided that she wanted some action and put her foot in the lumberjack's crotch!  I am sitting next to him and he texts me to tell me what is happening.  My first thought is:  "what am I supposed to do about it?  I am pretty sure that if he didn't want it there...it wouldn't be there!"  I shrug my shoulders and the night goes on....with two more texts about it.  Again, I keep thinking to myself:  "What does he want me to do about this? He keeps mentioning it....am I missing something?....he seems like a man who can handle himself!"  At the end of the night, it is just he and I left....and we stand outside the bar to chat.  He AGAIN brings up the foot-in-the-crotch incident...I am completely confused at this point, so he draws me a picture (on my arm--who brings a pen to the bar??) to show me that she was mad because I was being a cock-blocker!  I am appalled at this!  (My understanding of cock-blocker, at the time, is a woman who teases at the bar (or wherever) and after she gets what she wants (free drinks, whatnot), she leaves the guy hanging with no intention of following through what she alluded to).   This is not something that I aspire to!  So at this point ...I tell him "I wasn't trying to be one!" 


The next day I was talking to one of my married friends and I relayed the previous nights events... and my vexation.  I had come to the conclusion that I had to figure out how to check my behavior....I wanted to at minimum maintain my friendship with the lumberjack and I was afraid that I had done something to harm that friendship--he told me I was blocking him, after all!  


What she told me blew my mind!  Her take on the whole evening was that he was hitting on me!  I said "WHAT?!?  how is that possible?  how can being considered a cock-blocker be a come-on?"  THEN she explains it to me:  He was trying to tell me that I was blocking the other girl's advances because he and I were engrossed in conversation--interested.  He told me about her foot for me to react to it--maybe with jealousy or territoriality or something. I am even more confounded by this...sure I was jealous that he didn't stop her (he must have been enjoying it)...but what is the point of acting on it?  First, it wasn't my place--we were not involved.  Second, what is the point of being jealous? ....I am not going to beg and plead and I am not going to compete. If you don't want me...you don't want me, end of story.


As I attempted to wrap my brain around this particular explanation, I decide to get some other opinions.  After all, not everyone translates things the same way....and is this REALLY how it is?...being called something so vile as a means to show interest?  What ever happened to asking me out on a date?  The two other friends that I confided in, said basically the same thing!  I was in the twilight zone!  ...and I asked how do you KNOW that is what he was trying to do?  they told me that is how guys are....huh?  I just totally misread it!  Huh?!?  


I have no idea what he was really thinking, nor would I imagine I will ever know....or even if my friends were right...but by the power of the majority of my (successfully dating/married) friends...I was deemed yet again totally clueless....because I missed that class in high school!


...so this is my journey...I will explore the past to understand the present....and maybe, just maybe... this femi-nazi will get her fairy tale ending, chivalrous prince and all!