Hypocrisy leaves me tied in knots...

It is very difficult for me to ask for help, for a few reasons.  One, I was brought up in an environment where weakness was frowned upon.  Two, more often than not, when I ask for help I do not receive it or receive it begrudgingly.


I am an independent woman.  Not necessarily because I want to be, but because I have to be.  For more than 13 years I lived alone and not near family.  I counted on friends when I could, but most of the time it was only me that I could rely on.  Because of this, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to ask for help because I have been doing it myself for so long.  But, I do know my limitations--I ask for help when I cannot do it myself or alone.  


This leads me to my current frustration.  I am a person who needs a comfortable nest to relax in and feel peaceful at home.  This means that I need everything to be organized and in their place, among other things.  I recently moved in with a roommate for the first time in over 15 years, so this is doubly important that I find comfort at home.  Today, I tripped on boxes and while sitting on the floor I had to push back tears of frustration because I asked not one, not two, but three male humans to help me and nearly 8 weeks later I have still not received help. 


I have been told I am too independent and prickly (i.e., not soft and vulnerable) quite often by my father (the first person whom I asked).  So I ask him for help, because I truly need it.  But, if I keep asking, I am a naggy bitch.  So, I wait for a few weeks because I know he is busy.  But, because I am feeling anxious because things are not put away, I ask a friend.  He gives an excuse, but offers no other alternative time or method.  To me this means he does not want to help me.  If I push this issue, I am a psycho bitch.  Finally, earlier this week, I asked an acquaintance to help me.  He couldn't because his girlfriend does not like me.  (I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts on that).  I can't push that issue because then I am feminist bitch or a scheming bitch depending on your take....


So I am stuck.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  For years I have been told I am not feminine enough for reasons, like I don't ask for help and often turn down offers of it.  But, when I need help and ask for it...I don't get it.  So why would I ask for help?  Here is the hypocrisy....all these men make judgement on me because I am not the feminine ideal...but when I behave in that manner, they are not there to rescue me and be the strong, helpful man I need them to be...so really...why bother?


I guess I have to figure this out on my own....as usual....






.

Autopsy File #601b

It was inevitable....I was a silly girl...I thought somehow this time would be different...yeah, right!  After getting to know me and knowing that I had opposite feelings.... he dropped me as a friend....ran as fast as he could actually--while still metaphorically rubbing it in my face...  Surprisingly this happened almost three months after the "check yes or no email"....  world record!  Usually it is instantaneous!  Woot!  


Ok to make sense of that rambling...the Lumberjack took three months to drop me as a friend after I told him I had feelings for him.  Knowing him as I do...I can look back at it and not be surprised.  I remember him telling me a story of an ex that took him something like a year to break up with.  And since I was much lower on the totem pole....  


It was an intriguing experience...he began by insinuating things about my behavior that served his ego...and then he "unfriended" me on Facebook.  Well there is a statement....how mature...   So, to prove a point I re-friended him to see what would happen...he acted like he didn't know what happened....  nice try, bucko.  THEN he had the gall to bring his new girlfriend into MY store and have me shake her hand....really?  I was polite and professional (but seething inside--how dare he??!?!!!)  AND he says I have no tact!?!?....I should have unleashed it on them when he came in with her.... but no... I remained professional in this upsetting circumstance.... because, I indeed have tact....and social skills....somethings he may need a mirror to see.


It is probably for the best....since I have never met anyone who can bring me to the basest part of myself and react like a 10 year old to his childish and passive aggressive lashing out....but he could---he somehow got to me.....I somehow let him.... let him in...


...not a good thing nor a good relationship ...maybe if he matured to at least a 20 year old....then maybe....but I don't have 10-15 years to wait for that...and really....who wants a friendship with someone who acts like a 4 year old when he doesn't like something?

Autopsy File #603a

So...I was so pissed at myself for being manipulated in such a way... the Lumberjack was considered a friend and I was now questioning my judgement of character.  I was meeting a friend who was playing at a bar...and I hadn't seen him or his girlfriend since I had moved.  While at the bar...this cute guy struck up a conversation with me....  


We talked off and on the whole night...and he offered me a ride on his motorcycle.  I was in a sundress and flip flops....  I decided...why not?  I had been leery since an incident with a dirt bike in my youth...I even stupidly asked the Lumberjack for a ride once (at the time I still trusted him).  So I took off for the first time in over 20 years on a bike.  It was exhilarating...I had a blast.


The Motorcycle guy and I hung out a few times over the next few weeks...then it just dropped off because of schedules.  I wasn't sure he was boyfriend material (he had some racist/judgmental tendencies)...but I figured what the heck...like it matters anyway?  I know the outcome here...might as well have some fun before it ends!


We see each other every few months and it has been fun.  Something to break up the boredom.  On our last interaction, I decided even that wasn't worth it any more.  I had had too much to drink and was riding my bike home.  He and I were at a bar 6 blocks from my house and I asked him to give me a ride home...he didn't feel like it.  Seriously?  six blocks?  And people wonder why I don't ask for help or even assume it will be given to me.  I no longer see the motorcycle guy.

Wheels of Change

so...I figured I would share the blog that started it all...it was called:  Wheels of Change and I thought it was totally cool because I had recently learned how the bicycle helped to raise momentum to a critical point in the women's movement... the bicycle?  my second favorite form of transportation?  oh wow....how cool is that?  


apparently not cool enough...as my partner pointed out....apparently this blog was too thought provoking for the general public....and too biased....which is confusing...since this one seems slightly skewed...don't you think?  Or am I missing the inherent sexism in this post??




Here are some other great links about sexism in sports and just in general:  


http://jezebel.com/5821580/some-advice-how-to-cover-young-girls-playing-sports



http://jezebel.com/5820354/8+year+old-girl-kickboxes-in-a-ring-government-official-is-appalled

Autopsy File #503

I had been trying to be more positive about using online dating...but it was difficult....it is like research hoping you get the result that you want...but experiment after experiment...you still get the other result.... Nonetheless...I kept trying.  I made a decision....I would try to be more selective...I had just received a free 6 months because the first 6 didn't work...so I decided that in this time...I would date no more than three people.  I would communicate longer...trying to see if there were any red flags...  If I made it to the third person and it still didn't work...I would cancel my account.


Sooo...bachelor number one I call the IT Guy....he provided all of IT for one of the local school systems...  After several months of chatting and phoning we decided to meet...ironically he lived three blocks from where I worked...our first date was wonderful!  We got along well and enjoyed each other's company...(so far no red flags)  When he walked me to my Jeep he asked if he could kiss me goodnight!  Oh wow a real gentleman!  I thought about it for a few seconds...and decided...yes, he could.  It was a very sweet kiss.


We continued to see each other about twice a week for the next five or six weeks...and things started to progress a bit faster than what I wanted....he knew my stance on intimacy and time spent together (I was using it online to weed out the hornballs) but it got a bit more insistent.  I asked if we could slow down just a bit....he agreed.  Things went well for about another week.  He had planned to make me dinner...and rented a movie.  I was excited about this date...it sounded cozy and fun.  I get to his place and he is very standoffish...  I am confused...figure he had a bad day at work...waited for him to talk about it....  but nothing....  I tried to coax conversation...but it just wasn't happening.  Sensing that he just wanted time alone, I cut the date short and went home before the movie.  The daily e-mails and frequent phone calls ceased immediately...and I thought..."really?  what did I do wrong, now?  Sure, we had an off day, but...."  So I give it 10 days....and I email him that I want to meet....and told him when and where.  Surprisingly he agreed.


I asked him if there was something wrong.  He said no.  I know you aren't supposed to ask these types of questions because it apparently scares the easily frightened male of the species....but really?  So I let it hang there for a bit....asked how things were going...hoping he would warm up to talking...we start a conversation....  randomly he says to me that he is not perfect and he is not the perfect one for me...I am confused...where did this come from?  We weren't talking about anything in that direction...and I had been having major doubts of even another date...much less thinking he was perfect for me!  So I ask him to explain....he says that he doesn't want exclusivity and that is where this is going....I am surprised at this...since a few weeks ago he was the one who wanted to go way too fast....  so I ask him...."are you saying you want to date other people at the same time?"  He says "well since we had that bad date where we didn't talk...yes".  I realize that there is no point in dealing with this logic....at this point...I am not going to share and hope he picks me.  I tell him that "at this stage that doesn't work for me.  I do not want to waste my time."  He just looks away.  I get up, tell him goodbye and leave.  The End.

He never contacted me again...and I was left more confused over the rules of dating than ever.  I hate dating...I don't get it...I apparently always screw up.  My two main relationships have been friends and we have gotten to know each other that way...it was so much better....and I knew them so much better--the real person....but the majority of my guy friends are married or not a good fit.  And the one that I thought had potential doesn't want me.  So I guess I am stuck with dating..... sigh...

Autopsy File #502

Well...the experience with WoW boy made me start thinking again....maybe just maybe...I would try to see what is out there....

So more than six months after him...I was convinced to try online dating again....  I didn't hold any high expectations based on my last experience....but I was in a different city so I decided to try a different service...I figured this one was cheaper and all the "compatibility" crap was useless the last time....

After 6 first dates that either he or I decided didn't work...I met the metal artist.  He was an odd combination...ex military (so he had the military type attitude) but also an artist....I was intrigued by him... he read things I had never read...and we had interesting conversations.....it was sometime between the third and fourth dates that I began to see something different emerge....He had strong opinions...but they veered towards racism, stereotyping and judgementalism....and my opinions were being minimalised...

After some thought, I called him (he lived in a different city)....I told him that I thought that we were too different and thanked him...I did this as nicely as possible.  I hated to do it...I don't like hurting people's feelings...but it had to be done.  He was quiet on the phone...said something to the effect of "if that's what you want".  And I thought we were done.  Apparently not.  On came the negative e-mail onslaught.  He had decided to tell me everything that was wrong with me and why I was still single!  He talked about my too wide hips and large legs, my opinionated nature, my chipped tooth, my lack of reading intellect, my need to adjust menu items and so much more....  I thought..."really?  Who does he think he is?".  I will admit that the words stung when first read...but then came the anger...he barely knew me!  We had e-mailed for a couple of months, talked on the phone a couple more...before meeting....  I unfortunately let the anger get the best of me...I hadn't planned to respond to his childish drivel....but I couldn't help the snarkiness that came out.  I sent back one sentence.  Why did you continue to ask me on dates then?  Oh yeah...I was stupid....I can't believe I didn't see this coming....damn naivety!  At least his response was the final email.  He responded "Ugly girls are easy fucks."  

I took a deep breath.  This was hard.  I knew he was just lashing out...but he was pointing out some things that I had been trying to get past...some "soft spots" that I struggled with...  Inherently I know that I am a good, worthwhile person.  But if you continuously get the message that you are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough, etc...you start to believe it.  I had this nagging little voice that he was right....that I had to keep battling.  In the end...I am so glad I went with my gut on this one....it goes show that it takes a while to really get to know someone...and that small things do make a difference...if you catch them right away.

I decided to keep trying...so on to the next one!

:)

YOU. DON'T. KNOW. ME. AT. ALL!

Here is my bitch and moan for the day:  This boy (and at the moment it is the only appropriate moniker) and I are organizing an event together.  When I agreed, I thought it would be interesting because we are both strong willed, strong personalitied people...but I figured it would be a good learning experience as I also had a passion for the event.


I have bitten my tongue, compromised more often than I probably should have and used different "people skills" tactics throughout the planning of this event.  My initial reaction to many things said or done were frustration...and I wanted to dig in and fight.  But...I decided that I would not cut off my nose to spite my face (again another time when I have really experienced the phenomena that inspires the quip)....I had to step outside of myself and work with what was for the greater good...not just my ideal picture of the event....and yes that means giving up or giving in on some things where practicality won out.  This level of compromise has been uneven.


My event partner has the tendency to be a control freak and possessive about "his stuff".  He is not one to compromise at all.  In the spirit of a successful event (I have planned many of these--it was basically my job for 12 years--the largest event had over 5000 people in attendance....so I kinda know what I am doing...)  I have used the almost all of the skills honed over the years of working with vast and varied personalities...in the planning of this event.  The biggest difference is that I am planning this event with a friend, whom I respect.  The event was his idea--it didn't occur to me to try to do one here....AND it was a good idea--I wished I had thought of it myself....after his first choice of partner declined, he asked me to partner (a boost to the esteem, I know...).  In case you were wondering, the biggest problem is this--he and I have vastly different understandings of partnership and team work:


So  in the interest of clarity....

— n
1.	an ally or companion: a partner in crime
2.	a member of a partnership
3.	one of a pair of dancers or players on the same side in a game:my bridge partner
4.	either member of a couple in a relationship

We divvied up jobs....I had more of the "pound the pavement" kind of jobs....talking to businesses, the city, the chamber....you know...community buy-in type of things...he was working on promotion (website, fliers, etc...).  We utilized our strengths.  I would have never agreed to do this if I had known that I wasn't respected and trusted.  Because, without that...I am just being USED as a means to an end...and I am sorry...THAT. AIN'T. GONNA. HAPPEN.


As we got into this...and well after I had already talked to community members and businesses and had MY NAME, MY BUSINESS, MY REPUTATION already attached to it...I was stuck.  I wanted to back out....but I could not.  I feel a sense of personal responsibility with these things...if I tell people I will do something...I do it (or in extreme cases explain why I can no longer do so).  But I realized that I was wrong--I was neither TRUSTED nor RESPECTED by this person I called a friend.


I am a doer...if you do not want to talk about things...or not respond to questions or e-mails...basically not communicate...I give it a week or so (and a few tries--always give it a chance) and if not...you have dropped the ball and I am picking it up.  This is my personality.  Remember, my name is on this...I will not let it fail.  I am sorry your ego was bruised in the mean time.  I always think of the bigger picture....this is how events get done.  Nothing was meant as a personal attack.  But you turned it into one.


In the planning of this event there have been a myriad of personality based issues....some backlash over things I have done or suggested.  I have grown increasingly frustrated by the lack of communication and the passive-aggressive maneuvers.  I have attempted to communicate this fact.  But, today takes the cake.  I tried to work with him when he blasted my blog attempt--tore it apart and found nothing good in it--he did not thank me...just said it was the wrong type of blog for our event....then took the other one I worked on and re-wrote it....and sent it back to me (I did not ask).   (it was a better re-write, but it was a draft--I would have prettied it up.... and well.... it is the principle of the thing).  I worked with him when he was trying to order me around like I was his helper and not his partner...like I was a bumbling idiot and he was the all-knowing director....Best guess at a reason why:  he was mad he was not consulted and the blog was his baby.  I worked on compromise and diffusing the situation (at the expense of my pride and I really worked hard not to lash back--as is my nature)...because I believe in the event...and working together as a team will make this better than either one of us doing it on our own....and again my name is already attached to it.


Admittedly, after several subtle attempts I had been directly pointing out that he was having an issue with control and trust in this event based on his actions and communications....I was frustrated and was trying to get my point across in a non-threatening manner.  I am aware of the fragile male ego....but I will not stroke it unless it is true and warranted.  Respect me and you will receive respect.  Yesterday, I was super excited that my work on community buy-in was paying off....the local weekly internet magazine expressed interest in using the event for a cover and interviewing me regarding the event.  This was fantastic news!  The word was getting out!  I was so excited...so I shared the news with my partner!! 


After I sent the e-mail I realized it sounded one sided...and well...I was in a silly mood.  So, I followed up with another e-mail teasingly poking at his need for "tweedy control" and reminding him of trust (because of course I mentioned his role!...and, based on previous interactions, I figured he would be miffed that he wasn't the one asked for an interview--but logically, the connection was mine, therefore they would speak to me).....and told him that they would probably interview both of us and that they had been looking at the blog etc... Again, I thought he would be excited--I was wrong. From my perspective, we are friends...he teases me mercilessly....I thought this is how we were....wrong again.


I received a very childish and passive-aggressive response.  He was angry and it came across very clearly that he felt I was "stealing his glory"...taking all the credit and conversely he completely diminished the hard work I had put in...and said that he couldn't trust me to have tact.  Really?  


First, after all of this time--he does not know me at all...I am a behind the scenes kind of person....when I speak in the community--I talk about the store, not myself or my accomplishments.  I don't need that kind of parade....a successful event is reward enough--he can walk around with the gold-star stuck to his chest.   


Secondly, the unrestrained blunt girl that I am comes out amongst friends...because I TRUST them enough to be ME around them...I know that I often put my foot in my mouth and things don't always come out the right way...and I often choose not to sugar coat and mince words...(because it is more effective communication in my opinion)....but my FRIENDS know that and accept that about me.  I am a completely different person professionally and in the community.  I am very capable and have been very successful in event planning/public situations....I have freakin' awards!  Doing something so against my nature wears me out....but it is worth it in the end.  Additionally I have never once pushed the issue that I have much more and diverse experience in this area...not once....he has great connections here...and that is definitely a major bonus....but I won't pull the "experience" rank...I respect him more than that....


So...what will I do about this e-mail?


NOTHING.  I will not dignify the childishness with a response.  I expect my friends to respect me....somehow I was blind to it before....but there is none there.   I will vent my frustrations here in my blog...thankfully he was not invited to view it :)  I am choosing not to have another conversation until adult terms are agreed upon.  I deserve that.

Autopsy File #407

Ok...needless to say I was almost over this internet dating thing...after the Nurse I decided to give one final guy a chance.  I had been talking to this guy for awhile and really wasn't sure about him.  Just from the internet communications, I wasn't getting a strong vibe....but some people are different online, and this was his first stab at it.   I decided to give him a chance.  After date one, I still did not get the warm fuzzies...but there were no deal breakers or major annoyances...so I decided I would give it one more shot....  So, on to date numero dos... at dinner...during conversation, I was feeling that things were going better...maybe he was just nervous before... 

As he walked me back to my car, he started talking about his ex-wife.  This surprised me because there was no mention of her or that he was a divorcee on his profile.  I cannot stand lying....major deal breaker!  So, I asked him why he failed to mention this information.  His response:  "Because of her we both went to jail for spousal abuse".  What?!!  Oh yeah...I was totally done!!  I got into my car and left.  The Ex-Con as I now call him... tried texting me....I would not respond.  I felt bad about leaving without reason (I hate when people do this to me).  So I went home and e-mailed him.  I explained that I didn't think that we were well matched, thanked him for dinner and told him I was sorry.  The ex-con was the last straw with eHarmony.  After nearly a year, I had found no one even resembling a potential.  That night, I closed my account.

I learned that I should go with my gut and most people misrepresent themselves online.  I didn't think to do that...it is way too much work to try to be someone you are not...and I won't do it.  Besides....think logically, people!  It will be figured out eventually that you are not who you say you are!

Occam's razor doesn't account for context....since women face more than sexism and objectification daily

You know, I am not exactly sure how I stumbled across this blog…but I am very intrigued by the blog and the varied responses to it.  And truthfully, some of the responses infuriate me to no end.  From my not so copious research here is what I know.  This woman named Rebecca Watson made a video blog to further prove her points on the sexism and objectification women face every day.  Ms.  Watson is in the Atheist/Skeptic camp.  From reading her blogs, she provides some very interesting points….specifically as a feminist.  She was apparently speaking at a conference about how religion objectifies women, but had to argue that it is also prevalent in the Atheist community.    She spoke about how people coming from religious viewpoints have threatened to rape her and how she also had to deal with sexist behaviors in all contexts, making it an overarching cultural issue.

 

In this video, she describes an incident where she felt unsafe and creeped out by the behavior of a man.  He was alone at 4am with her in an elevator and asked her to come to his room for coffee.  And that she wanted to educate men, that this type of behavior is not ok.  I spent hours reading the responses…and I felt deeply saddened that we really have not come very far in the last couple hundred years.  Many of the comments defended the actions of the man, saying he didn’t know better…or you should be happy that he is hitting on you...or equal rights means he can do this....but really it is missing the point.  I bet that he really did not mean any harm and was really a drunken bumbling idiot.  This is not the issue.  The issue is that many people do not understand what it is like to be vulnerable.  And flipping it around as if she would have done the "asking"  is completely a diversionary tactic...men and women are...newsflash...different!  Especially when it comes to sex.

We have to be constantly on guard to keep ourselves out of unsafe situations, because if we are walking alone at night on a dark street or parking lot….it is not surprising we get raped (as is the thought process of many).    ESPECIALLY if we are in a short skirt, low cut top and have had many previous sexual partners…because all of these things scream “please violate me!”   Additionally, there are many men out there who are offended that we view every stranger in nearly any unprotected situation as a possible rapist.  You can’t have it both ways—we have to be aware…because if we find ourselves in a situation where it is possible that we could be raped...and are…it is our fault for being so stupid…  I hate this blaming the victim mentality.  First of all…rape is rarely about sex…it is about power….always has been…why do you think the phrase “rape and pillage” has rape in it?  If it weren’t such a big deal…it wouldn’t be used to subdue conquered populations (while furthering your own “population”).  Secondly, as one commenter on the blog said…it’s not like people wear nametags that say “Hi, I’m Tim, I’ll be your rapist today.”   It is always there…that concern.  EVERY. DAY.

This also goes for when the victim knows the rapist (often called date rape)…it is about power…i.e., getting what they want when there has been a refusal…like “how dare she”?  I have a friend who was raped in college.  She was dating the guy, they started making out…she did not want to have sex.  He did.  He decided that since she was turning him on, and was his girlfriend…etc…that her no really meant yes.  First, yes it sucks to be turned on and not get anything out of it…and if she was really leading him on or teasing…shame on her…she was being a bitch… IRREGARDLESS…if she doesn’t want it…he needs to respect that!  AND it pisses me off when people say she didn’t say the word “no”…she said “not right now” or “I don’t feel like it”….so she really didn’t mean no.  Ok…who hasn’t had an experience where you said “NO”…and the person persisted…very pushy…bullied…maybe even physically threatened?  Or being called a cold, heinous bitch?  We have been conditioned to not give the direct no as a way to sugarcoat and spare feelings…and possibly not incite anger.  I agree that the indirect is murky…but this is where we are.  Again…it’s still not giving permission.  (as a side note—I really hate that when I stand up for myself to men—I am a bitch, too emotional, crazy or my feelings written off as unimportant!)

The thing that frightened me the most about the responses to this blog is that many people didn’t see what the fuss was about.  First, I am the first to admit that I am not a small person…nor am I weak…nor am I often hit on…but I have felt very uncomfortable, scared and even threatened by men because of the situation and their behavior.   I am fully aware that it would not take much for the average male (especially if drunk and/or determined) to overpower me.  This knowledge is scary as shit!  I am a single woman who has lived by myself for years.  I have left work to go into a dark parking lot with my keys between my fingers, checked under the car and in the back seat…not really taking a breath until I pull safely away.  I have heard a sound in my house having only a rock and my cel phone to defend myself…walking throughout the house, whole body trembling, turning on lights making sure there is no intruder.  I have locked up the bookstore and had a strange man follow me in the alley (at night, in the dark) talking to me the whole way to the Jeep…barely responding--trying to be polite so as not to anger…but praying that he leaves me alone so I can run to the Jeep and get out.  I have been in the store alone with a drunken man, afraid of what he will do….the whole time figuring out an escape plan.  See…I wouldn’t be afraid, if there wasn’t anything to be afraid of.  I have been molested by an older cousin, I have had a stalker, a man tell me he could rape me (after coming uninvited into my room), been sexually harassed walking down the street and had a man get very angry when I told him no, I am not looking to have sex with you.  AND...think about this...I am not one of the pretty women...they unfortunately get this ten-fold!  We as women have to be aware of it. ALL. THE. TIME.  

And yes…I would have been totally creeped out by a guy asking me to go to his room at 4am when it was just the two of us in the elevator.  It wouldn’t necessarily have to do anything with him…just the situation.  If admitting that and agreeing with Ms. Watson by saying… hey dudes don’t do that… makes me a femi-nazi…then I am.  Especially to those who said that he was drunk as an excuse…remember alcohol amplifies our tendencies and reduces inhibitions…if this guy thought it wasn’t a big deal to corner a girl in a small box where he could push the emergency stop button and trap her in there—when he was drunk…it is so ingrained that it is ok not to consider her feelings…we have major, major problems!  (this phenomenon by the way is called objectification)

I want equal pay for equal work.  I want equal opportunity for advancement.  I want to be respected….especially when I express my opinion.   I want to not walk around with fear always in the back of my mind.  I want my feelings, wants, wishes to be respected…and to be spoken to respectfully.  I want to feel safe.  This is another point where feminism and chivalry are not far off.  Respect of women….for me…that’s all I want.

AND...IF YOU CLICK NO OTHER LINK...CLICK THIS ONE...IT IS WELL WRITTEN AND APT!

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Autopsy File #404

So....after living in the city for a couple of years....I found that most men I dated...didn't want to date any further if I wouldn't have sex with them.  I was disappointed and growing despondent...where were the good men?  the respectful ones?  I hadn't found any!  Well, one day at a store a gentleman helped me out...while at the car...he asked for my number.  I thought....well, why not?  I won't tell you his nickname yet....  

We began dating...our schedules were different (I worked afternoons and he worked midnights)...so we met a couple of times a week for breakfast and every other weekend hung out on the evening that he didn't work.  Two months in...he said he wanted a baby!  I freaked!  I told him that I would not do that on purpose unless I were married.  He tried to talk me into it...I left early.   He apologized and I told him I would not speak of it again.  About 3 weeks later....he told me he was going away for the weekend to see his cousin.  When he returned, he told me he was moving in with another cousin (his roommate was transferred out of state).  I offered to help.  

It was late on a Sunday evening after we finished packing and cleaning....I was tired.  He wanted to go out for a drink...I wanted to go home.  He walked me to my car...all of the sudden this Suburban comes barreling down the road and nearly runs me over.  Holy Cow!  The brakes screech to a halt and this woman flies out cussing and screaming!  I was shocked and a little afraid.  She was calling me not so nice names...I have never even laid eyes on this woman...so I ask him who she is...since she obviously knows him.  She answers for me:  "I'm his ________wife, you ___ _____ _____!  There is no denial from the Married Fucker.

I am so shocked that I cannot speak!  wife?  was I that stupid to miss that?  I got in my car and left...there was no way I was sticking around! I do not play this game!  She then began a one month long harassment of calls at all hours (which by the way...the police won't bother with--thankfully she didn't know where I lived!)  He came over one time after this....to apologize and explain.....(which is the only reason I let him in).  Apparently he was dating the both of us....he preferred me (so he says)...but because I did not want to have children (I didn't bother to correct him on this one) and she already had some...he asked her to marry him.  The visiting of the "cousin" was his wedding. The moving in with his "cousin" was moving in with her!  I was such a fool to have missed this!  Thankfully I did not love the married fucker.  But, he apparently thought I did...because after explaining...and apologizing...he was trying to get me to keep seeing him!  really?  the nerve!  I told him to leave and to never contact me again!  See?  this is where that karma bomb may have gone off in my face?  LOL   

Surprisingly, he tried calling once a week for a couple of months...sometimes leaving messages, sometimes not...I never picked up or called him back (I even re-saved his name as the married fucker on my phone)....his wife found out...left me a nasty message (I always let an unknown number go to voicemail :) ).  Then he started calling me on his new number, but this time  it was only about once a month...this went on for almost three years...with more and more time in between calls.  I refused to change my number over this nonsense....and thankfully I haven't heard from him in a couple of years....maybe he finally accepted it??

This is where I began to think that maybe I should clearly state or we should have a conversation about exclusivity or where we stand...or where we want to go....it seems that it is all so murky....and since I missed that class...I don't have any idea how to do this without being blunt....because unfortunately...bluntly stating my opinion can seem like an ultimatum....I wish I knew how to negotiate this part of dating....

Why I am glad I am a girl!

A new York Times article has the title:  

A Release Valve for Cyclists’ Unrelenting Pressure...so I click it...

Really...just read the article....  while I understand why women's bikes are step-through...I don't understand why men place the bar soooo close to their precious jewels?


Also if you are curious.....the blog article that started THIS blog.... is here.  After posting this I was told it was too melodramatic....hmmm....really?  LOL....and was told to make my own femi-nazi blog  (and I ALWAYS listen.. LOL)...be careful of what you wish for ;)

Autopsy Files #402 & #403

Ahhh...the Pool Shark and the Submariner.... So...sometimes you get yourself into sticky situations...  I met the Pool Shark when I went out with co workers for my birthday.  He was hanging with some buddies...and we decided we wanted to play pool...  the boys did not want to give it up so we partnered.  It was a fun night!  I was feeling bold...so I asked for the number of the pool shark.  We began seeing each other about once a week.  After about a month, his best friend came home from the navy.  He was discharged because of a back injury.  He introduced me to the submariner....we hit it off immediately....and began seeing each other.  This is where karma might bite me....submariner knew that I was dating pool shark but not the other way around.  Please understand this disclaimer....pool shark and I never said we were exclusive, he never called me his girl friend...we were hanging out/dating.  sheesh!  All the same, I know I should have said something.....hindsight is 20/20....

Now, I wasn't serious about either of the guys....neither were boyfriend material...I enjoyed their company.  Additionally, I had just moved to a city where I knew no one (short of my co workers)...so it was nice to get out and see the city.  The problem occurred when the pool shark found out....this is where I am glad that we were not serious.....he called me a dirty whore and some other not so nice names!  He totally assumed I was having sex with his friend and not him (why is it that guys want sex right away!??)  Then the submariner thought the same thing.....  I am not completely idiotic....I wasn't gettin' that messy with this whole thing!  We never spoke again.

Here is where I am frustrated.  Guys want to date as many people as they want at the same time...(without telling the girl) but somehow expect the girl to date just him....what is up with that?  I learned that boys have much, much bigger double standards that we do!  

The Curse of Independence

I always remember being independent....as a child, my parents called it "mouthy".  I had an opinion, I could take care of myself, I didn't need help...  as an adult, my pa calls it "overbearing".  I don't know where these tendencies began....but I can look back and see how it was honed.


I remember coming home from school in 3rd or 4th grade.  I had been teased mercilessly that day and I never wanted to go back.  I had had to get a bra (the earliest in the class) the teasing that followed pushed me over the edge.  I had been teased daily about my looks and my weight...I was ALMOST handling that....but this particular day I couldn't handle it anymore (the girls were even worse than the boys).  (As I write this, I am crying...old wounds can be so deep).  I was (and am) very sensitive.  Words slice through me like razors...I have tried to ignore them...but when you grow up learning how important the "word" of God is and how He created everything by speaking it....it is hard to separate this from sticks and stones may break my bones...but words will never hurt me.  Words hurt me...the said ones...the unsaid ones...I came home looking for support (all I wanted to do was cry, be hugged, and told that they were wrong and it would be ok)...in return I was told to tough it out...suck it up.  (Incidentally this reasoning is how I am walking around today with a deformed knuckle...but that is another story).   Another (one of many) I asked the man I was dating to help me with my kayak....we had confirmed the night before...I ended up doing it by myself....he went to lunch with a friend instead. Through this, I learned that I could only really count on myself.  Strangely this repeats itself through out my life...when something happens...I stand strong...alone...whatever that is out there hurting me, cutting me...I must defend myself, protect myself...there is no one out there to do it for me...so I must.  It is survival.  But what I really want...actually... really need...is someone to hold me, let me cry it out and tell me it is going to be ok...that I am worth fighting for.


This morphed over time to not asking for help unless I could not find anyway else to do it myself.  Often it was hit or miss if people said they would help and if the even follow through with it.  It became worse as I wanted to learn to lean a little on the men in my life.  I found that it hurt more when I was involved with that person...I had an expectation that they would help me (I don't ask often).  Many times I was let down...it was very frustrating.  I remember being so stressed out before the store opened...that I shared my fears and needs with a friend (whom I trusted myself to maybe be vulnerable with--I was wrong)...I was vulnerable (which is not a comfortable spot for me to be in---when you are your own protector and you are vulnerable--there is no one to back you up).  He made a joke and told me to have this guy whom I am creeped out by help me.  Talk about lack of support....(my fragile vulnerability jumped right back into the turtle shell...layers between me and the world...I felt moderately safe again)!  The times in my life where someone has helped me without me asking have melted my heart and made me mushy inside.  The strong, independent girl has had a hard time reconciling that.  But, what I really want is for a man to be strong so I can be mushy on occasion and not worry about my vulnerabilities.


So here is my connection between feminism and chivalry.  They are by no means mutually exclusive.  Both are about respect.  And about having my cake and eating it to.  I want to be my own person, make decisions and compromises, and know that I will have the support at the end of the day....the man to protect me from the world...because...I am tired.

The Infamous Pretzel-Sheep

What exactly is a Pretzel-Sheep?  It is my term for the way I feel that women are expected to be today.  We are mired in double standards, communication impasses and interact with potential partners whom have a complete lack of chivalrous training... in some ways this could be a backlash to feminism (more about that in a later blog).  I use this term to describe the experiences where men tell me that they feel that I am "too much" or "not enough" because I do not react in an inane pre-ascertained manner and that my behavior is not decipherable within the confines of the game....


They want me to bend and shape myself into something that I am not...or they want me to follow them blindly (just because they are the man), not having my own opinion.  Yet, my guy friends are frustrated when the women they date have no spine!  You can't have it both ways!  


newsflash!  I don't play the game!  I don't understand the rules!  I have no sense of the correct timing!  I missed that class....and you know after the last few years of dating...I often feel that missing that class is a good thing...especially since it equates to the retention of my spine!  

...when you act like one of the boys they call you abrasive and difficult, so you act like a woman and they say you're emotional and difficult. Difficult being their word for everything that's not them."

-- Kate Reddy from "I Don't Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson

And here is the kicker....what I want sometimes seems mutually exclusive and is often described as wanting it both ways....I want to have a spine AND not be judged on my choice/ability to compromise (a spine is not rigid and can bend when necessary); I want to be respected AND cherished; I want to remain strong AND be able to be a puddle of mush when I need to; I want equality AND romance; I want appreciation AND to be able to help without fear of reprisal....I want someone who can keep up with my brain AND the ability to not understand something without being judged....

onto the challenge of remaining myself...while becoming more approachable....