Autopsy File #505

So....Bachelor #3....the final frontier....  I decided this was the last stab at internet dating....I was so tired of it all.


After a bit of a rocky start....a little miscommunication... we decided to meet after 3 months of electronic communication.  We had a great first date....and second and third....and after the 6th date, I thought...well....maybe....


Then it was his birthday...he was going out with friends (we were still in that stage)....and I decided to give him a small gift....nothing major some golf coupons and a cheesy pirate hat (he was into pirates)...I was nervous about doing this because...while I love giving friends gifts, I have learned that giving a guy you are dating a gift can be the kiss of death....and this one may have been the kiss of maiming....it seems that after this things took a turn...the next couple of "dates"  he just wanted to hang out and watch a movie at his house.... then the final day of our relationship came....


I had been at work on a Saturday....when I finally finished it was dark and my Jeep wouldn't start...and I was alone (in a city where I did not know many people).  The Mechanic was hanging out with his brother...so I didn't want to call him.  I called my dad...he couldn't diagnose from 4 hours away...I called several people...all of whom where out of town, didn't answer or had no idea how to help.  I was stuck...alone...in a not so nice neighborhood...so I decided to text the mechanic...maybe he could just tell me what to do.... He was mad that I texted....I told him I was stranded, I knew he was busy...but could he please help?   He asked if I could call anyone else (really?) I told him I tried.  He begrudgingly came to help me.  I was pissed but I said nothing because I really needed help.  


He helped as quickly as he could...kissed me good bye and left....   on Tuesday I texted him...no response....I wait a few days and try an e-mail...no response.... he usually texted me everyday.  I honestly wanted to tell him my frustration....this is why I rarely ask for help...it normally turns out  like this....  But after a few more days, I finally figure it out...he is done with me...(which is good since I didn't want to be with a man I couldn't count on in a pinch).  But what makes me mad is that he just stopped and ignored me.  I wanted to talk to him...to explain why this wasn't going to work.... Instead he took the childish route... I was even angrier....how dare he be so disrespectful....I did not get the opportunity to say what I wanted to say!!   I decided to write him a letter.  I poured out my hurt feelings in a few sentences...basically it said "Be an adult, if you don't want to be with someone GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS and say it."  Yep...I did that....LOL!  Did he learn anything?  probably not...did I?  Yes...I will never internet date again...I may look around...but that is it.  And I was also done with dating in general...it was a waste of my time.

Autopsy File #502

Well...the experience with WoW boy made me start thinking again....maybe just maybe...I would try to see what is out there....

So more than six months after him...I was convinced to try online dating again....  I didn't hold any high expectations based on my last experience....but I was in a different city so I decided to try a different service...I figured this one was cheaper and all the "compatibility" crap was useless the last time....

After 6 first dates that either he or I decided didn't work...I met the metal artist.  He was an odd combination...ex military (so he had the military type attitude) but also an artist....I was intrigued by him... he read things I had never read...and we had interesting conversations.....it was sometime between the third and fourth dates that I began to see something different emerge....He had strong opinions...but they veered towards racism, stereotyping and judgementalism....and my opinions were being minimalised...

After some thought, I called him (he lived in a different city)....I told him that I thought that we were too different and thanked him...I did this as nicely as possible.  I hated to do it...I don't like hurting people's feelings...but it had to be done.  He was quiet on the phone...said something to the effect of "if that's what you want".  And I thought we were done.  Apparently not.  On came the negative e-mail onslaught.  He had decided to tell me everything that was wrong with me and why I was still single!  He talked about my too wide hips and large legs, my opinionated nature, my chipped tooth, my lack of reading intellect, my need to adjust menu items and so much more....  I thought..."really?  Who does he think he is?".  I will admit that the words stung when first read...but then came the anger...he barely knew me!  We had e-mailed for a couple of months, talked on the phone a couple more...before meeting....  I unfortunately let the anger get the best of me...I hadn't planned to respond to his childish drivel....but I couldn't help the snarkiness that came out.  I sent back one sentence.  Why did you continue to ask me on dates then?  Oh yeah...I was stupid....I can't believe I didn't see this coming....damn naivety!  At least his response was the final email.  He responded "Ugly girls are easy fucks."  

I took a deep breath.  This was hard.  I knew he was just lashing out...but he was pointing out some things that I had been trying to get past...some "soft spots" that I struggled with...  Inherently I know that I am a good, worthwhile person.  But if you continuously get the message that you are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough, etc...you start to believe it.  I had this nagging little voice that he was right....that I had to keep battling.  In the end...I am so glad I went with my gut on this one....it goes show that it takes a while to really get to know someone...and that small things do make a difference...if you catch them right away.

I decided to keep trying...so on to the next one!

:)

Autopsy File #405

I waited a few months before I began dating again...this time I decided to try eHarmony.  I am not particularly found of internet dating but several of my good friends found the great guys they married on this site.  I went out on dates with several people.  Only three made it to the second or more date level.  The next three files are about those three....


I went out on 5 total dates with the Firefighter.  He seemed nice and fun, had a great sense of humor and was cute.  I didn't feel a major chemistry...but there was something.  The 5th date was a BBQ at a friends house.  I was surprised at meeting friends at this stage...but I was going to go with the flow.  In the late afternoon he and two of his friends and their girlfriends were going to his house to go into the hot tub.  He invited me to come along.  


I ran home for my suit and met him at his house (after I got lost 3 times!)  One other couple was already there....the other had to check on their kids.   Then the other couple decided to go and get beer and I was alone with the firefighter.  We got into the hot tub and after a few minutes he became friskier than normal.   After my prior experiences, I had held him off by being alone with him in public places....I totally missed this one...I should have known better.  I had to stop him....I tried to explain that we were not going there....he asked why....so I told him.  I would not have sex with him unless we were in a committed relationship.  Oh yeah...he freaked....felt like I was boxing him in!  Even though I was just telling him why...not pushing him to go further....after the BBQ and meeting his friends I wasn't sure I wanted to do that anyway.   And in a moment of clarity...I asked if that was why his friends left?  He said yes.  Oh wow....total high school moment there!


I learned that there is apparently no good way to say the truth to a man.  He twists it into something else.  Don't ask me if you don't want an honest answer.  I have tried the other way...talking around it...alluding...it is so much more frustrating for me....probably because I didn't learn how to do it in that class....  

Autopsy File #201b

I found out what was really happening with PK two days later.  He was dating the girl from my hall (the soccer slut).  She was in his sister sorority.  I was flabbergasted and devastated at the same time.  Things like that really happen!!??  I was in a haze for the next two weeks, begrudgingly planning the annual end of the year party my friends and I had.  I was really in no mood to socialize and was really glad to be getting out of there.  The day before my party, PK called.  I refused the call and my roommate took the message.  When I finally looked what he said...I was shocked.  He wanted to come to the party (he had been helping plan it until this point).  My roomie wanted me to tell him where to go....but I needed to work on this (we would be seeing each other everywhere for the next two years...I had to figure it out now)...so I told her she could tell him he could come.  I braced myself.  

Then the unbelievable happened.  He came to the party and he brought HER!  I was furious!  I will admit that I am not proud of my next actions....but they are what they are.  I literally grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the room.  I actually began to yell and call names (that rarely happens).  I asked him what the fuck was he thinking?! and a lot more not so nice stuff.  (I had really wanted to be mature about this...but....alas).  I calmed myself down and I said that we have always been friends and I deserve respect.  I deserve to know what is going on.  That him bringing her is unacceptable and when we were done...they were leaving!  I finally said...I damn well deserve to know why and he was going to tell me.  He said he would give me two of the reasons (there were more??) This is what he said:

1)  I did not get jealous.  He tried to make me jealous....and I didn't become psycho-jealous girl...therefore I didn't really care for him!  What?!?!  what kind of crazy logic is that?  I was secure in the relationship...I TRUSTED him.  PK began hanging out with the soccer slut...and I didn't have an issue....why would I say he couldn't hang out with friends?  I wasn't worried.  He was a respectful man AND he was with me.  He was MY boyfriend.  I thought I didn't have to worry....I was really, really wrong.  He wanted me to bend myself into a pretzel...to react in a certain way to get the desired effect (what was so wrong with actually communicating to me??  instead a game was played....yeah, I know...men are from Mars...).  He wanted me to somehow prove/do something to assuage his own self-esteem issues....I was "not enough"...I was apparently supposed to contort myself into something else....

2) PK liked me being a "strong woman"...BUT he also wanted to make all of the important decisions.  Reason number two for the break up was that he felt that I wasn't committed to the relationship.  The rationale for this thought?  I wanted to wait to get married until we were out of college.  I truly wanted to marry him--and at the time would have.  I also wanted to be practical and ensure that we finish our degrees. Maybe he was right...that I didn't love him enough to try to make it "on our own" during college (I had so many concerns:  no means of full income, no health insurance, lessened student loans, etc.  )... My idea of a long engagement was not what he wanted...he wanted me to accept his direction....like a sheep.  You can't have it both ways...

His revelations devastated me.  They completely changed my worldview.  I trusted him.  I was betrayed.  I found out later he was trying to figure out how to break up with me to date her for several weeks.  She was pretty and skinny and popular.  I was not.  She villainized me...and our mutual friends chose sides (theirs) without even hearing my side.  I learned again that women will compete for men, be damned the consequences and sometimes cannot be trusted....and that men cannot communicate effectively.  Actions matter.  It took me a long time to get over this.   But I realized much later that this was for the best.  One of his tendencies that annoyed me then still does....and I realized that we were not meant to be.  At the time I had unfortunately took a hit to my self esteem and my trust of men....I made some really stupid relationship decisions during this time.

The Infamous Pretzel-Sheep

What exactly is a Pretzel-Sheep?  It is my term for the way I feel that women are expected to be today.  We are mired in double standards, communication impasses and interact with potential partners whom have a complete lack of chivalrous training... in some ways this could be a backlash to feminism (more about that in a later blog).  I use this term to describe the experiences where men tell me that they feel that I am "too much" or "not enough" because I do not react in an inane pre-ascertained manner and that my behavior is not decipherable within the confines of the game....


They want me to bend and shape myself into something that I am not...or they want me to follow them blindly (just because they are the man), not having my own opinion.  Yet, my guy friends are frustrated when the women they date have no spine!  You can't have it both ways!  


newsflash!  I don't play the game!  I don't understand the rules!  I have no sense of the correct timing!  I missed that class....and you know after the last few years of dating...I often feel that missing that class is a good thing...especially since it equates to the retention of my spine!  

...when you act like one of the boys they call you abrasive and difficult, so you act like a woman and they say you're emotional and difficult. Difficult being their word for everything that's not them."

-- Kate Reddy from "I Don't Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson

And here is the kicker....what I want sometimes seems mutually exclusive and is often described as wanting it both ways....I want to have a spine AND not be judged on my choice/ability to compromise (a spine is not rigid and can bend when necessary); I want to be respected AND cherished; I want to remain strong AND be able to be a puddle of mush when I need to; I want equality AND romance; I want appreciation AND to be able to help without fear of reprisal....I want someone who can keep up with my brain AND the ability to not understand something without being judged....

onto the challenge of remaining myself...while becoming more approachable....