Recently, we have had a run on the 5 Love Languages book at the store. I admit that I have a copy somewhere from a church bible study years ago...but I barely skimmed it. I felt the book was geared toward married couples...and I wasn't in a relationship...so how would that be relevant? I actually think I skipped a class on it because I was sick of hearing how this helped their marriage...blah, blah, blah. It was difficult enough being the only single person in the bible study to begin with. Well, I accidentally pulled the Singles Version off the shelf for a customer. I didn't even know they made one....after a year and a half of organizing and straightening, I had never really looked at this book on my shelf.
So, I decided to give it a try....I took a deep breath, set aside my preconceptions and read it. I liked that the book focused on all sorts of relationships from family to friends to coworkers. I realize that it is basically the same information in the other book, just packaged differently....but I guess that is what I needed.
It makes total sense to me why I just needed to hear certain things. It makes total sense now why I had frustrations with my family and friends. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was just that we spoke different languages. I began to try to figure out my family and friends...because I understand how not receiving messages in the language that is strongest makes me feel. As I tried to figure it out...I realized that so many people have been communicating that they care about me...but I didn't see it. Upon reflection, I realized that I have been, in essence, a hypocritical, selfish bitch. What's worse...is that I have recently accused someone of believing the world revolved around them... and me being the pot in this situation...apparently has thought that about myself as well. Why is it sometimes so hard to know ourselves?
Throughout this blog I have been lamenting this feeling that I am not enough...or I am too much... Not really accepting responsibility for it...for placing blame on others.... that is supremely easier isn't it? But that doesn't make it true.
This revelation makes me rueful. In the past month alone...
* a friend was kind enough to wake up early, drive her car to do something with me because I wanted to and didn't want to do it alone--how did I repay her? When she really wanted to take some silly pictures...I refused...and made a joke about it. Which inadvertently hurt her feelings! Yep--what a bitch--it was all about me, me, me!
*My mother passed on a compliment that my father had said...and I dismissed it, because I couldn't believe it. I even made some comment about it and all of this after my father had generously picked up my dog and watched him when he had a lot of stuff to do. Ungratefulness! Bitchiness! No wonder I am not daddy's little girl!
*Because I was so focused on what I needed, I did not show the true appreciation I felt for a friend helping me when I thought I hurt my dog. He even mentioned it in defense...but did I acknowledge? Nope! I prattled on about not getting acknowledgement! Hypocrisy abounds!
So, as you can imagine...I feel awful. I truly care about my friends and family and am so grateful that they are there for me....even when I am prickly. I am making an effort to show each of them how much I care, in the language they speak (if I can figure it out). I am going to be apologizing and making it up to them in some fashion. It may not be much....but honestly, I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the support and love of my friends and family....and hopefully these baby steps will help make up for it.
I said before that no woman is an island....well, watch out.... I am trying to get rid of my crocodiles!
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