I love my family and I know they love me…but they are very critical and have been for generations (as I have witnessed my grandmother criticize my 46 year old uncle, nearly relentlessly). Conversely, I am a person where words are important and carry great weight. Often, this has left me feeling misunderstood and feeling like I am not good enough. I have struggled with this feeling since I was very young and learned that I was the only person I could rely on. I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone and acted accordingly. In essence, I built a wall and became very prickly. As a result, I do not often trust compliments or kind words…even though I really want them to be true, and truly need to hear them. Combining this with my negative experiences with men and well….I have trust issues.
For many years, I worked hard to tell myself how awesome I was…how I was important to others, despite what I was told or not told. But, no woman is an island…..and when you primarily receive negative feedback, you begin to question your perception….basically when the majority pointed one way, and I another, I began to think that I was having delusions of grandeur (so to speak)…and they all couldn’t be wrong. So I began to believe the negative. For the past several years, I have been trying to correct this fallacy….
I don’t have that one person, like most everyone I know does. You know, that one person who always has your back, comforts you, reassures, supports, cares… I need my friends to help bridge the gap just a little bit. With my female friends, this has been easier. They more often than not, intuitively know what I need. But, with my male friends, it has been much more difficult. This is more than a Mars and Venus thing (although that is part of it)…. I have trust issues with men. I desire a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom I can have a family. But, in order to do that, I need to regain my trust in men.
I have two close male friends whom I have unfairly leaned more heavily on to help me with this process. One of them I am closer to…and miraculously (even though I am sure I seem difficult) is still a good friend. He has tolerated my behavior as I try to figure this out…and I am extremely grateful. But I struggle with my concerns that I am being selfish....that I should just suck it up....
Today, I admitted that I held a grudge against him. He did nothing wrong and has been very kind to me (from picking me and a friend up when caught in a rainstorm, to making sure my bike tires aren’t flat, to choosing sepia over his preferred black and white, to giving me tea…and so much more)….but I still felt hurt. I just wanted him to understand that I needed him to verbally reassure me….and how when he didn’t I became petty—this has to change. When I started to explain he said that I often tell him that he hurts me. And I felt awful. I tried to make a joke to ease my nervousness and I made it worse. I don’t want to give him the impression that he is a bad person or overall mean to me. Holding a grudge is my childish reaction….and I am trying to fix it. I need his help; I need his understanding to be a better person. I wanted to be honest about my negative reactions. Truly, he is helping me to believe that there are still knights in shining armor out there. He is helping me rebuild my trust in men by being “a good man”. His girlfriend is a very lucky girl. This gives me hope.
I am afraid that I have given him the wrong impression (about how I see him) and wanted to explain more…I wanted to say some of what I said in this blog....but when I have expressed my emotions to men in the past....I have been accused of using some girlie trick or manipulation...when I was just trying to be heard, to be understood, and to be a better person. I don't believe he will react this way...but I am afraid that I am wrong. I need my good friends, and I hope I am a good friend in return. I fear that I have done enough damage….so I don’t plan on telling him any of this. Maybe one day, I will get it right….but until then, I am truly blessed and thankful that he is still willing to be my friend.
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