To be fair...this situation is exactly why men say women are so complicated. I told my male friend to stop talking to me so much for two reasons...only one of which I gave him. As I said before one reason was because I felt it was unfair to the other girl for us to be communicating and seeing each other so much. The other reason is what makes it so complicated. I know I told him to stop talking so much and even ignored him to help him to understand....but now I "unfriended" him because he didn't check on me after Kato died. I can imagine how confusing it was to him...he tried to reach out and be there...but he was seeing his girlfriend...I was not going to mess with that...so I told him I didn't want him to call me when he got there. When he asked what happened, I was at a state that I couldn't text it and he was told I didn't want to talk about it right then. He was giving me what I wanted in terms of space...but (here is where the confusion for him comes in) I still wanted him to check and make sure I was ok. I wanted him to text or email when he got back "how are you doing?". I wanted to know that my friend cared. He is not a mind reader....but how do I communicate that? This is what it is like being a girl. I just needed some form of support...but the kind he was giving... I cut him off. I wish I could explain it better...but this is how I feel...no matter how unfair or confusing to him. I don't know how or if it can be fixed.
But the other part of this is my biggest issue (with me and not him). I fell in love with him. He does not know this...how could he? The one and only other time this happened to me...my heart was desiccated. When I realized how I felt, it scared me to my core. I had no idea how to navigate our friendship. I pushed back and put up a wall. So when he started dating someone else, I was devastated. I tried to remain friends with him...but it was more and more difficult. I couldn't do it. I was happy for him and sad for me at the same time. I know that men and women cannot be friends...but I tried to make it work. So that's why when he didn't check on me I was so hurt. I was unfairly expecting more...but I am not what he wants--he has told me so many times directly and indirectly. I had to save my heart because it would never recover. I miss his friendship deeply, but in time it will heal.
I am trying to figure out how to navigate the issue with my female friend. We have been friends for over 20 years. I am so hurt that she is not trying to communicate with me and ignoring my texts. Maybe this is why it happened. For me to review my friendships.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
When did my life start fitting a country song?
I am disappointed, dismayed, disturbed... (and apparently addicted to alliteration--LOL!!)
I never thought my life would mimic a country song...but alas it has.... I have had two friends whom I would have at one time considered two of my closest and dearest friends, but over the last three years for one and one year for the other have been wondering why we are friends. I know both of them have selfish tendencies and can at times be self-absorbed (can't we all?); but I knew that about them and accepted them as they were for I know I have things about me that are annoying...this is friendship. But when you realize that you are carrying the brunt of the friendship and if you stopped communication they wouldn't notice for a while...or even re-start it themselves, you start to question things. With both of them, I have felt greatly taken advantage of recently.
So what has made this a country song kind of life? My dog died. I have been devastated, heart broken and an all out mess. My dog was nearly a part of me....we were rarely apart. He was my constant companion.
So what happened? The female friend has barely spoken to me. I know she knows she shares some of the blame in what happened to Kato. But for two days I didn't receive so much as a text. I reached out...at a time like this I needed my friends and family desperately...but I have started every text conversation over the past few days (but one)...she has made almost no effort. She doesn't even ask how I am doing until I ask her first. The only text she sent was that she was worried that we wouldn't be friends anymore and how that would kill her if that happened. Really? I'm barely functioning and you are worried if we are still friends because of HOW IT WILL EFFECT YOU??? Really? How about me? I'm the one who is dealing with the death of my companion...the one who had to be alone with his body for 30 minutes until my uncle could come and help. (my parents were out of town). How about ASKING HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING??!?!?
The male friend, I had been pulling away from because I felt I was getting in the way of the relationship with his girlfriend. But I thought we were still friends. I used to tell him my thoughts, I didn't think people turned caring off. I reached out when I was alone with my dog, waiting.... He got back to me and wanted to know what happened....not how are you doing or anything. Admittedly, he has a penis so really getting it is probably out.... He was also going to see his girlfriend. He nicely offered to call when he got to her house...No...I will not get into the middle of your weekend. But stupidly, I expected him to show some care when he got back into town. Did I receive a text? an e-mail? a visit? Asking me how I was doing? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Some friend....I know you had the best weekend of your life...but 30 seconds of care, of time for a friend in the time of need? Apparently that's too much to ask. Whatever.
I struggle with why I keep people like this around me. I am coming to a point in my life that I have to cut who is bringing me down, not supporting me, etc... I am too old to give 19th chances. I have to do what is best for me...not matter how much it hurts. Ending the friendship with the male friend was fairly uncomplicated since we are not speaking to each other....but not easy. The female friend will not be so easy either. We have 20 years of friendship where we have had bumps in the road...but really...at a time like this...where it really matters...when you really need someone to care because you feel like you are falling apart.... it's like that song...at a time like this...you find out who your friends are...
This is where the rubber meets the road This is where the cream is gonna rise This is what you really didn't know This is where the truth don't lie
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are Somebody's gonna drop everything Run out and crank up their car Hit the gas, get there fast Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart You find out who your friends are
Everybody wants to slap your back wants to shake your hand when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who's around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end This ain't where the bandwagon stops This is just one of those times when A lot of folks jump off
[Chorus]
When the water's high When the weather's not so fair When the well runs dry Who's gonna be there?
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are (yeah, yeah) You find out who your friends are
Run your car off the side of the road Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere (Well man, I've been there) Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I've been there)
Man, I've been there Oooh yeah.
I never thought my life would mimic a country song...but alas it has.... I have had two friends whom I would have at one time considered two of my closest and dearest friends, but over the last three years for one and one year for the other have been wondering why we are friends. I know both of them have selfish tendencies and can at times be self-absorbed (can't we all?); but I knew that about them and accepted them as they were for I know I have things about me that are annoying...this is friendship. But when you realize that you are carrying the brunt of the friendship and if you stopped communication they wouldn't notice for a while...or even re-start it themselves, you start to question things. With both of them, I have felt greatly taken advantage of recently.
So what has made this a country song kind of life? My dog died. I have been devastated, heart broken and an all out mess. My dog was nearly a part of me....we were rarely apart. He was my constant companion.
So what happened? The female friend has barely spoken to me. I know she knows she shares some of the blame in what happened to Kato. But for two days I didn't receive so much as a text. I reached out...at a time like this I needed my friends and family desperately...but I have started every text conversation over the past few days (but one)...she has made almost no effort. She doesn't even ask how I am doing until I ask her first. The only text she sent was that she was worried that we wouldn't be friends anymore and how that would kill her if that happened. Really? I'm barely functioning and you are worried if we are still friends because of HOW IT WILL EFFECT YOU??? Really? How about me? I'm the one who is dealing with the death of my companion...the one who had to be alone with his body for 30 minutes until my uncle could come and help. (my parents were out of town). How about ASKING HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING??!?!?
The male friend, I had been pulling away from because I felt I was getting in the way of the relationship with his girlfriend. But I thought we were still friends. I used to tell him my thoughts, I didn't think people turned caring off. I reached out when I was alone with my dog, waiting.... He got back to me and wanted to know what happened....not how are you doing or anything. Admittedly, he has a penis so really getting it is probably out.... He was also going to see his girlfriend. He nicely offered to call when he got to her house...No...I will not get into the middle of your weekend. But stupidly, I expected him to show some care when he got back into town. Did I receive a text? an e-mail? a visit? Asking me how I was doing? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Some friend....I know you had the best weekend of your life...but 30 seconds of care, of time for a friend in the time of need? Apparently that's too much to ask. Whatever.
I struggle with why I keep people like this around me. I am coming to a point in my life that I have to cut who is bringing me down, not supporting me, etc... I am too old to give 19th chances. I have to do what is best for me...not matter how much it hurts. Ending the friendship with the male friend was fairly uncomplicated since we are not speaking to each other....but not easy. The female friend will not be so easy either. We have 20 years of friendship where we have had bumps in the road...but really...at a time like this...where it really matters...when you really need someone to care because you feel like you are falling apart.... it's like that song...at a time like this...you find out who your friends are...
Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fareThis is where the rubber meets the road This is where the cream is gonna rise This is what you really didn't know This is where the truth don't lie
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are Somebody's gonna drop everything Run out and crank up their car Hit the gas, get there fast Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart You find out who your friends are
Everybody wants to slap your back wants to shake your hand when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who's around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end This ain't where the bandwagon stops This is just one of those times when A lot of folks jump off
[Chorus]
When the water's high When the weather's not so fair When the well runs dry Who's gonna be there?
[Chorus]
You find out who your friends are (yeah, yeah) You find out who your friends are
Run your car off the side of the road Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere (Well man, I've been there) Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I've been there)
Man, I've been there Oooh yeah.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
You see....Harry was right after all...
I know that I deluded myself in my youth that men and women can be friends with no issues. I am not sure how that fact and it's relation to the the single most traumatic event in my dating career was partially forgotten for a while. I know, this is what deluding yourself means...but still! I thought I was smarter than that!
Once upon a time I was told they were "just friends" and since I was falsely secure in the relationship, I felt I had nothing to worry about. But Sarah Adair changed all of that. Recently, I found myself in the "Sarah" position and I couldn't stand it. How could I be friends when all the time I was worrying if it would hurt the girlfriend? I know it is not my job to worry about it...it is his... but having experienced the pain from the other end of it...I wanted to make sure she wasn't inadvertently hurt by anything I said or did. No one deserves this. As the unease grew, so did my realization that Harry was right...men and women cannot truly be just friends...someone always gets hurt in the end. This time, like the last time, it was me. But at least I feel more at peace because I know it was the right thing to do!
Once upon a time I was told they were "just friends" and since I was falsely secure in the relationship, I felt I had nothing to worry about. But Sarah Adair changed all of that. Recently, I found myself in the "Sarah" position and I couldn't stand it. How could I be friends when all the time I was worrying if it would hurt the girlfriend? I know it is not my job to worry about it...it is his... but having experienced the pain from the other end of it...I wanted to make sure she wasn't inadvertently hurt by anything I said or did. No one deserves this. As the unease grew, so did my realization that Harry was right...men and women cannot truly be just friends...someone always gets hurt in the end. This time, like the last time, it was me. But at least I feel more at peace because I know it was the right thing to do!
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