As I neared the dreaded age of 29....and after several failed dates....dating relationships....I really couldn't see that things would happen for me. I began to question God. I had tried to be a good person....I know that sometimes I am too blunt and that it is hard for me to accept help....but I grew up with people telling me that someone will love you despite your faults. As I watched most of my friends get married and start families...I thought....soon it will be me....and...it wasn't. I had never prayed for something for myself....so I decided to pray for help...to see what God's will was....for some sign for reassurance that everything would be all right.... after two years...no signs....no possibilities...nothing....I considered walking away from God. During this time I visited my parents and went to mass in my home church...the Priest talked about that one should be married and having children to truly do the work of God...that basically singles weren't full members of the church. I couldn't do it any more...to cling to faith and continuously believe that there really is someone out there for me....Hell, I was just told that in the eyes of the Church I was worthless.... I used to believe that love and having a family were the best part of life...something to look forward to...and that I would have a chance at that....before I turned 31 I realized that I had to grow up...some people are not blessed in this way. I realized that what I had been telling myself was false....I was not beautiful or special (only one person I have ever known (friends, family or otherwise) has ever told me these things (unprompted...not just trying to cheer me up)....and he broke my heart) ...or worth fighting for.... I couldn't walk into church anymore...to see the families...to be constantly reminded that I was a failure....worthless....
It would take me almost three years to try again....to try to actually have hope...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Autopsy File #401
So onto Mr. GreenCard.... He was a grad student in a program similar to mine. During my second year...we formed teams between the two universities for a project. He was on my team. We became fast friends....he had a quick wit and an interesting view of the world. Even after I left grad school...we kept in touch. While I enjoyed his conversations...I felt no chemistry. We were just friends....and he felt the same way....it was refreshing! After PTI I really didn't want to date anyone...I had to get myself out of the funk before I was with someone again....I was concerned that I would be mired in the same hole...but with a different person!
During my three year hiatus from men....Mr. GreenCard was coming to the area for a visit....we decided to go to dinner...after dinner he wanted to go dancing....we had a great time. He dropped me back at my place....and kissed me! I was totally unprepared for this! I was confused...how could this be...he has given no inclination....(I missed that class...but I was learning a few of the signals...) I quickly said goodnight and shut the door. I had to think! The next day he called and asked me to go to lunch. I was nervous...I knew I had to talk about what happened...I didn't feel anything for him...(and he was a bad kisser!). I shouldn't have worried. He explained everything to me at lunch. to make a long story short....his student visa was running out and he wanted to stay in the US....he asked me to marry him....to get his green card!
I politely refused....and unfortunately this seems to have ended our friendship. Any communication I sent his way was ignored....too bad....he was fun to talk to!
I put him in the Autopsy files because...there were three men in a row that asked me to marry them in some way....I thought this was strange....and I might have just pissed off karma....
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Autopsy File #302
I think everyone has a person in their history where you look back and say: "What the hell was I thinking? Was I on drugs?" Well, the Part-Time Indian (PTI) was mine....and what's worse...I nearly married him!
I met PTI while I was interning for the Red Cross. He was a volunteer in the Disaster Services area. A few months after we started working together...there had been a few major windstorms in the area...we went from once a week visits to daily over three weeks. We became friends and sort of fell into a relationship....I was lonely, he was lonely....most of our friends were married or in a very serious relationship. He was not really the type of man I was looking for...and looking back...I honestly would never had dated him....I was in a depressive state that made my standards basically nil. Overall he was not a horrible person...he was just not right for me. I know it sounds arrogant, but I could not see myself with someone who hadn't gone to college and who at least came close to my level of intelligence. He did not meet these criteria. We dated for over a year...I knew I wanted to get out of this relationship but at the time I didn't have the courage... I was worried about being alone forever...so I settled. He asked me to marry him (pressure from his parents and that all his friends were)...I said: "sure". (yep...I was that excited about it!) Shortly after that we moved in together to save money....and then he got laid off from his job....and had no motivation to find another one....it was an awful time. My family disliked him and I was being stubborn (cutting off the nose to spite the face!)....
About 4 months into the engagement I had only done one thing to plan the wedding....put a name and a deposit on the hall....nothing else....I had not looked at dresses or even looked for a photographer....this was plainly symptomatic for me...as I am an obsessive planner....I relish figuring out the details of an event....I often plan my time too much :) I was not looking forward to this at all. Thankfully...PTI got a job that was located in his hometown...so the stress of living together and paying all of the bills was fixed. Also...he decided he wanted to get back together with his ex-girlfriend...but I was unaware of this little detail...
I will say that this was probably the most spectacular of my break-ups! I hadn't seen him for about a week because of schedules...I had planned to arrive Friday after work and spend the weekend at the apartment he shared with a friend. My afternoon meeting was cancelled...so I decided to leave early. When I arrived, I saw his car in the drive...I knocked...no one answered. I let myself in (I had a key)....knowing that his roommate worked midnight's....I did not want to disturb....so I went into PTI's room and what did I find? My fiance naked on top of a girl! I almost lost it. I was so angry I was at the place where I couldn't even yell. I said something like "this is an interesting turn of events" and walked out. I got into my car and started to drive off...he ran out in front of my car (naked)...I stopped. He started to say "this isn't what it looks like"...and I told him to give me more credit than that! He just kept talking and apologizing....
I was crying...and not listening to him....but I realized that they were tears of pride and nothing else....I didn't love him...I was actually glad to get rid of him. He was in mid-sentence and I threw the car in gear and never looked back. He tried to call me every day....for about a week. The wuss sent his sister to get the few things he left behind....She asked my how I was...I told her that I haven't felt better in two years! I hocked that ring a little while later.... LOL
I learned that I was selling myself short...I have so much to offer and because I had lost sight of that...I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life! Thank God PTI couldn't be monogamous! That is a deal breaker....I may have just floated along with it otherwise!
Monday, July 4, 2011
The Curse of Independence
I always remember being independent....as a child, my parents called it "mouthy". I had an opinion, I could take care of myself, I didn't need help... as an adult, my pa calls it "overbearing". I don't know where these tendencies began....but I can look back and see how it was honed.
I remember coming home from school in 3rd or 4th grade. I had been teased mercilessly that day and I never wanted to go back. I had had to get a bra (the earliest in the class) the teasing that followed pushed me over the edge. I had been teased daily about my looks and my weight...I was ALMOST handling that....but this particular day I couldn't handle it anymore (the girls were even worse than the boys). (As I write this, I am crying...old wounds can be so deep). I was (and am) very sensitive. Words slice through me like razors...I have tried to ignore them...but when you grow up learning how important the "word" of God is and how He created everything by speaking it....it is hard to separate this from sticks and stones may break my bones...but words will never hurt me. Words hurt me...the said ones...the unsaid ones...I came home looking for support (all I wanted to do was cry, be hugged, and told that they were wrong and it would be ok)...in return I was told to tough it out...suck it up. (Incidentally this reasoning is how I am walking around today with a deformed knuckle...but that is another story). Another (one of many) I asked the man I was dating to help me with my kayak....we had confirmed the night before...I ended up doing it by myself....he went to lunch with a friend instead. Through this, I learned that I could only really count on myself. Strangely this repeats itself through out my life...when something happens...I stand strong...alone...whatever that is out there hurting me, cutting me...I must defend myself, protect myself...there is no one out there to do it for me...so I must. It is survival. But what I really want...actually... really need...is someone to hold me, let me cry it out and tell me it is going to be ok...that I am worth fighting for.
This morphed over time to not asking for help unless I could not find anyway else to do it myself. Often it was hit or miss if people said they would help and if the even follow through with it. It became worse as I wanted to learn to lean a little on the men in my life. I found that it hurt more when I was involved with that person...I had an expectation that they would help me (I don't ask often). Many times I was let down...it was very frustrating. I remember being so stressed out before the store opened...that I shared my fears and needs with a friend (whom I trusted myself to maybe be vulnerable with--I was wrong)...I was vulnerable (which is not a comfortable spot for me to be in---when you are your own protector and you are vulnerable--there is no one to back you up). He made a joke and told me to have this guy whom I am creeped out by help me. Talk about lack of support....(my fragile vulnerability jumped right back into the turtle shell...layers between me and the world...I felt moderately safe again)! The times in my life where someone has helped me without me asking have melted my heart and made me mushy inside. The strong, independent girl has had a hard time reconciling that. But, what I really want is for a man to be strong so I can be mushy on occasion and not worry about my vulnerabilities.
So here is my connection between feminism and chivalry. They are by no means mutually exclusive. Both are about respect. And about having my cake and eating it to. I want to be my own person, make decisions and compromises, and know that I will have the support at the end of the day....the man to protect me from the world...because...I am tired.
I remember coming home from school in 3rd or 4th grade. I had been teased mercilessly that day and I never wanted to go back. I had had to get a bra (the earliest in the class) the teasing that followed pushed me over the edge. I had been teased daily about my looks and my weight...I was ALMOST handling that....but this particular day I couldn't handle it anymore (the girls were even worse than the boys). (As I write this, I am crying...old wounds can be so deep). I was (and am) very sensitive. Words slice through me like razors...I have tried to ignore them...but when you grow up learning how important the "word" of God is and how He created everything by speaking it....it is hard to separate this from sticks and stones may break my bones...but words will never hurt me. Words hurt me...the said ones...the unsaid ones...I came home looking for support (all I wanted to do was cry, be hugged, and told that they were wrong and it would be ok)...in return I was told to tough it out...suck it up. (Incidentally this reasoning is how I am walking around today with a deformed knuckle...but that is another story). Another (one of many) I asked the man I was dating to help me with my kayak....we had confirmed the night before...I ended up doing it by myself....he went to lunch with a friend instead. Through this, I learned that I could only really count on myself. Strangely this repeats itself through out my life...when something happens...I stand strong...alone...whatever that is out there hurting me, cutting me...I must defend myself, protect myself...there is no one out there to do it for me...so I must. It is survival. But what I really want...actually... really need...is someone to hold me, let me cry it out and tell me it is going to be ok...that I am worth fighting for.
This morphed over time to not asking for help unless I could not find anyway else to do it myself. Often it was hit or miss if people said they would help and if the even follow through with it. It became worse as I wanted to learn to lean a little on the men in my life. I found that it hurt more when I was involved with that person...I had an expectation that they would help me (I don't ask often). Many times I was let down...it was very frustrating. I remember being so stressed out before the store opened...that I shared my fears and needs with a friend (whom I trusted myself to maybe be vulnerable with--I was wrong)...I was vulnerable (which is not a comfortable spot for me to be in---when you are your own protector and you are vulnerable--there is no one to back you up). He made a joke and told me to have this guy whom I am creeped out by help me. Talk about lack of support....(my fragile vulnerability jumped right back into the turtle shell...layers between me and the world...I felt moderately safe again)! The times in my life where someone has helped me without me asking have melted my heart and made me mushy inside. The strong, independent girl has had a hard time reconciling that. But, what I really want is for a man to be strong so I can be mushy on occasion and not worry about my vulnerabilities.
So here is my connection between feminism and chivalry. They are by no means mutually exclusive. Both are about respect. And about having my cake and eating it to. I want to be my own person, make decisions and compromises, and know that I will have the support at the end of the day....the man to protect me from the world...because...I am tired.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Autopsy File #301
I met the Marine when my roommate and I went out for the evening early in my senior year of college. He was funny and he seemed interested in my roomie. I became the wing-woman (something I am fairly good at...)... I had very tentatively built a fragile bridge to trust. It had been almost two years....I guess I should try again, I thought to myself....and began scanning the room....the marine stayed with us the whole night...he was ok to talk to...kinda cute if you like the military type... my roommate then told him that I (the designated driver and the only one who had a car) would be taking him home....It might have been nice if she had asked me...but as I would learn...this is how roomie was when she drank.
He became a fixture in our apartment...as my roommate fell deeper and deeper into alcoholism. I was not completely comfortable around the marine... something about him rubbed me the wrong way.... I just couldn't put a finger on it....but he was roomie's boyfriend...I would have to tolerate him. One evening we were watching movies and she passed out during the movie. He talked to me for a bit.....I was trying to be polite. Uncomfortable, I said that I was going to bed...would he need help taking roomie to her room? He said no...and I read in my room. A few minutes after I turned out the light he crawled into bed with me! (I wished I had a locking door!)....I pushed him off and asked him "what the hell was he doing?!". He said that how could I deny that we had had a connection....that he was just using her to get to me...I told him to leave my room....he told me that I turned him on so much that he could rape me right now.....WHAT??!! (this was not said in a menacing way...but still!) I grabbed my cel phone and dialed 911. He became angry and asked my what I was doing...I told him that I had called the police and that if he didn't leave right now, I would have him arrested. He left (after calling me not so nice names).
In the morning, when my roommate finally stumbled out of her room. I told her what had happened. She was pissed with me! I was flabbergasted! She accused me of trying to steal her boyfriend....really?!?! She left to go find him. She didn't come back for two days. I was worried about her...but had no means to contact her. I called her parents and asked if she had gone home. They said no...and unfortunately, now I got them worried! When she finally arrived home...she was still mad....but they "worked things out". For the next couple of days, she avoided me. I was going home for the weekend...I hoped some time would help her out.
When I arrived back, most of my furniture and belongings were gone. She had moved out and took most of my stuff!
I was sad and relieved at the same time. I thought roomie and I were friends. But all too often it seems that women allow men to get in between their friendships. I (as usual) am the different one. I didn't believe a guy worth it to completely diss your friends. Your friends will always be there...through thick and thin....and by my meager experience, guys will not usually be. I understand wanting to spend time with him....but not at the expense of your friends. I really missed something with this class...how do you negotiate friendships with women hell bent on competitiveness over guys?
A few months later, I ran into a mutual friend and she told me the story of what happened to my former roommate. Her parents had come to get her. They checked her into the hospital. And the worst part of it was what I found out about the marine. Apparently, roomie let it slip that I was still a virgin...and he thought he would help me out with that....holy cow! Thank God that he left and really didn't try anything! I can defend myself to a point...but this guy had been a marine...who knows what kind of skills he had?! I was being watched over that day for sure!
After this experience, I really started to think about the phrase I have heard from many girl friends "he only wants sex"....I had really thought that men weren't that base...at least the ones I knew....I would learn as I got older :)
He became a fixture in our apartment...as my roommate fell deeper and deeper into alcoholism. I was not completely comfortable around the marine... something about him rubbed me the wrong way.... I just couldn't put a finger on it....but he was roomie's boyfriend...I would have to tolerate him. One evening we were watching movies and she passed out during the movie. He talked to me for a bit.....I was trying to be polite. Uncomfortable, I said that I was going to bed...would he need help taking roomie to her room? He said no...and I read in my room. A few minutes after I turned out the light he crawled into bed with me! (I wished I had a locking door!)....I pushed him off and asked him "what the hell was he doing?!". He said that how could I deny that we had had a connection....that he was just using her to get to me...I told him to leave my room....he told me that I turned him on so much that he could rape me right now.....WHAT??!! (this was not said in a menacing way...but still!) I grabbed my cel phone and dialed 911. He became angry and asked my what I was doing...I told him that I had called the police and that if he didn't leave right now, I would have him arrested. He left (after calling me not so nice names).
In the morning, when my roommate finally stumbled out of her room. I told her what had happened. She was pissed with me! I was flabbergasted! She accused me of trying to steal her boyfriend....really?!?! She left to go find him. She didn't come back for two days. I was worried about her...but had no means to contact her. I called her parents and asked if she had gone home. They said no...and unfortunately, now I got them worried! When she finally arrived home...she was still mad....but they "worked things out". For the next couple of days, she avoided me. I was going home for the weekend...I hoped some time would help her out.
When I arrived back, most of my furniture and belongings were gone. She had moved out and took most of my stuff!
I was sad and relieved at the same time. I thought roomie and I were friends. But all too often it seems that women allow men to get in between their friendships. I (as usual) am the different one. I didn't believe a guy worth it to completely diss your friends. Your friends will always be there...through thick and thin....and by my meager experience, guys will not usually be. I understand wanting to spend time with him....but not at the expense of your friends. I really missed something with this class...how do you negotiate friendships with women hell bent on competitiveness over guys?
A few months later, I ran into a mutual friend and she told me the story of what happened to my former roommate. Her parents had come to get her. They checked her into the hospital. And the worst part of it was what I found out about the marine. Apparently, roomie let it slip that I was still a virgin...and he thought he would help me out with that....holy cow! Thank God that he left and really didn't try anything! I can defend myself to a point...but this guy had been a marine...who knows what kind of skills he had?! I was being watched over that day for sure!
After this experience, I really started to think about the phrase I have heard from many girl friends "he only wants sex"....I had really thought that men weren't that base...at least the ones I knew....I would learn as I got older :)
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Women 2 Drive
I am truly blessed to be born in America! Do not get me wrong...I think there are some things that we can work on here when it comes to the equality and respect of women....but compared to the rest of the world this is minor... minuscule really...
I have been actively watching and supporting the women's rights movement in Saudi Arabia. They have a much bigger hill to climb than we ever did. In America we were fighting against a cultural norm rooted in more in history than religion In the Middle East, their cultural norm is rooted more strongly in religion...and their cultural norms stronger based on the less dichotomous nature of their populations... which is more difficult to change While the Qu'ran and Mohammad have instances of strong women, the culture has ingrained beliefs as part of it's religion in regards to the place and treatment of women. Christianity also did a lot for women's rights throughout the world. While women may not have been exactly equal...they had changed from property to people/disciples that would spread the word of Jesus. Still bound by cultural norms, they couldn't fully participate...but no longer were they exempt. The same is true today...in Catholicism, women are not allowed to be priests based on this norm. Slowly, there has been a movement to change that...but since it is entrenched in dogma it is difficult...thankfully the Bible does not explicitly prohibit women...so the change will eventually happen.
This is not so in many Middle Eastern countries...in part because BOTH genders have some resistance. In Saudi Arabia, not only can women not be without a male guardian (husband or father), they are the only women not allowed to drive. The guardianship is directly from the Qu'ran:
I honestly do not have an issue with the premise of guardianship. I have lived alone for over 17 years and it would have been really nice, many times to have a man to watch over and protect you. I have had to learn to do that job for myself....but would willing give it up...with one caveat. I disagree with the way guardianship has manifested....what started out as a protection, has become a prison. Unfortunately, women were again treated like property. The men make the decisions for the women and they must ask permission to even leave their houses. I would not like someone telling me what I can or can't do...therein lies the rub. Women in Saudi Arabia who want change...also want the same thing...to be afforded the protection but have the ability to decide their lives for themselves. There are some facebook pages to support Women 2 Drive in Saudi Arabia:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Women2drive-Manal-and-Bertha-Woman2drive-17-June-Saudi-Arabia/176962935691371
http://www.facebook.com/Women2Drive
http://arabnews.com/opinion/letters/article464039.ece
.
I have been actively watching and supporting the women's rights movement in Saudi Arabia. They have a much bigger hill to climb than we ever did. In America we were fighting against a cultural norm rooted in more in history than religion In the Middle East, their cultural norm is rooted more strongly in religion...and their cultural norms stronger based on the less dichotomous nature of their populations... which is more difficult to change While the Qu'ran and Mohammad have instances of strong women, the culture has ingrained beliefs as part of it's religion in regards to the place and treatment of women. Christianity also did a lot for women's rights throughout the world. While women may not have been exactly equal...they had changed from property to people/disciples that would spread the word of Jesus. Still bound by cultural norms, they couldn't fully participate...but no longer were they exempt. The same is true today...in Catholicism, women are not allowed to be priests based on this norm. Slowly, there has been a movement to change that...but since it is entrenched in dogma it is difficult...thankfully the Bible does not explicitly prohibit women...so the change will eventually happen.
This is not so in many Middle Eastern countries...in part because BOTH genders have some resistance. In Saudi Arabia, not only can women not be without a male guardian (husband or father), they are the only women not allowed to drive. The guardianship is directly from the Qu'ran:
| Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. |
| Qur'an 4:34 |
I honestly do not have an issue with the premise of guardianship. I have lived alone for over 17 years and it would have been really nice, many times to have a man to watch over and protect you. I have had to learn to do that job for myself....but would willing give it up...with one caveat. I disagree with the way guardianship has manifested....what started out as a protection, has become a prison. Unfortunately, women were again treated like property. The men make the decisions for the women and they must ask permission to even leave their houses. I would not like someone telling me what I can or can't do...therein lies the rub. Women in Saudi Arabia who want change...also want the same thing...to be afforded the protection but have the ability to decide their lives for themselves. There are some facebook pages to support Women 2 Drive in Saudi Arabia:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Women2drive-Manal-and-Bertha-Woman2drive-17-June-Saudi-Arabia/176962935691371
http://www.facebook.com/Women2Drive
http://arabnews.com/opinion/letters/article464039.ece
.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Autopsy File #201b
I found out what was really happening with PK two days later. He was dating the girl from my hall (the soccer slut). She was in his sister sorority. I was flabbergasted and devastated at the same time. Things like that really happen!!?? I was in a haze for the next two weeks, begrudgingly planning the annual end of the year party my friends and I had. I was really in no mood to socialize and was really glad to be getting out of there. The day before my party, PK called. I refused the call and my roommate took the message. When I finally looked what he said...I was shocked. He wanted to come to the party (he had been helping plan it until this point). My roomie wanted me to tell him where to go....but I needed to work on this (we would be seeing each other everywhere for the next two years...I had to figure it out now)...so I told her she could tell him he could come. I braced myself.
Then the unbelievable happened. He came to the party and he brought HER! I was furious! I will admit that I am not proud of my next actions....but they are what they are. I literally grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the room. I actually began to yell and call names (that rarely happens). I asked him what the fuck was he thinking?! and a lot more not so nice stuff. (I had really wanted to be mature about this...but....alas). I calmed myself down and I said that we have always been friends and I deserve respect. I deserve to know what is going on. That him bringing her is unacceptable and when we were done...they were leaving! I finally said...I damn well deserve to know why and he was going to tell me. He said he would give me two of the reasons (there were more??) This is what he said:
1) I did not get jealous. He tried to make me jealous....and I didn't become psycho-jealous girl...therefore I didn't really care for him! What?!?! what kind of crazy logic is that? I was secure in the relationship...I TRUSTED him. PK began hanging out with the soccer slut...and I didn't have an issue....why would I say he couldn't hang out with friends? I wasn't worried. He was a respectful man AND he was with me. He was MY boyfriend. I thought I didn't have to worry....I was really, really wrong. He wanted me to bend myself into a pretzel...to react in a certain way to get the desired effect (what was so wrong with actually communicating to me?? instead a game was played....yeah, I know...men are from Mars...). He wanted me to somehow prove/do something to assuage his own self-esteem issues....I was "not enough"...I was apparently supposed to contort myself into something else....
2) PK liked me being a "strong woman"...BUT he also wanted to make all of the important decisions. Reason number two for the break up was that he felt that I wasn't committed to the relationship. The rationale for this thought? I wanted to wait to get married until we were out of college. I truly wanted to marry him--and at the time would have. I also wanted to be practical and ensure that we finish our degrees. Maybe he was right...that I didn't love him enough to try to make it "on our own" during college (I had so many concerns: no means of full income, no health insurance, lessened student loans, etc. )... My idea of a long engagement was not what he wanted...he wanted me to accept his direction....like a sheep. You can't have it both ways...
His revelations devastated me. They completely changed my worldview. I trusted him. I was betrayed. I found out later he was trying to figure out how to break up with me to date her for several weeks. She was pretty and skinny and popular. I was not. She villainized me...and our mutual friends chose sides (theirs) without even hearing my side. I learned again that women will compete for men, be damned the consequences and sometimes cannot be trusted....and that men cannot communicate effectively. Actions matter. It took me a long time to get over this. But I realized much later that this was for the best. One of his tendencies that annoyed me then still does....and I realized that we were not meant to be. At the time I had unfortunately took a hit to my self esteem and my trust of men....I made some really stupid relationship decisions during this time.
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