Autopsy File #406

So....after writing the firefighter off....I took a break from meeting anyone....but I was still communicating...with the Nurse.  The Nurse was actually a former EMT who changed jobs due to burn out.....not sure why that is relevant...but it is what I remember :)  He was funny, kinda cute and seemed pretty smart.  So after a while...I figured it might be fun to meet him face to face.  On our 3rd date we were supposed to meet at the amusement park.  My car was in the shop so he offered to pick me up.  Not wanting to have a virtual stranger in my house, I had a friend pose as my "roommate"...she went to walk my dog as soon as he came to the door (not going far).  met him at the door and he asked if he could use the restroom.  I said sure and offered a tour of my house.  When I showed him my room (had to go through it to access the bathroom) he came up behind me and poked at me with his penis in an effort to suggest that we should "have some fun before going out".  I ignored it and kept going.  He came out of the bathroom and met me in the living room.  


Apparently while in the restroom, he received a "call" to go back to work....I said that I was confused, since he was the one who picked this night as it was one of the two nights he wasn't on call this week.  He just said he had to go.  I never heard from him again.  I tried texting once...and received no response...     Curious...I saw that I had been removed/blocked from a match online.  Stumped I tried to figure out what had happened.  We hadn't done anything...I didn't think I said anything (which is usually my problem---I open my mouth am misunderstood and they go a runnin!)....  I talked to some of my friends...and the consensus was that he just wanted to get laid!  Again?!  Really?  Is that ALL that they want?  nothing more?    


I started to think that if I had any chance at going past "dating" that I would have to consider relaxing my own rules....I didn't want to...but I was getting older and the pickings more sparse....I guess sex is all they really want....sigh....

Sex sells?

I ran across this blog about how condoms are doing well in this economy...go figure!  Pregnancy and kids are expensive....and if you don't currently have a job or are underemployed.....this makes fiscal sense.  Additionally, unfortunately services for women have been under fire because of the 2% of abortions performed...so women controlled birth control is much more difficult to get.  But I won't get into that so much now...but I have a blog planned for later on this subject :)




Really...this writer is hilarious....you should read it!  At one point he says:  "Why are condoms up while the rest of the economy goes flaccid?"  LOL  it's a fun read!






http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/humannature/archive/2009/02/12/sex-is-cheap.aspx?wpisrc=obnetwork

Autopsy File #405

I waited a few months before I began dating again...this time I decided to try eHarmony.  I am not particularly found of internet dating but several of my good friends found the great guys they married on this site.  I went out on dates with several people.  Only three made it to the second or more date level.  The next three files are about those three....


I went out on 5 total dates with the Firefighter.  He seemed nice and fun, had a great sense of humor and was cute.  I didn't feel a major chemistry...but there was something.  The 5th date was a BBQ at a friends house.  I was surprised at meeting friends at this stage...but I was going to go with the flow.  In the late afternoon he and two of his friends and their girlfriends were going to his house to go into the hot tub.  He invited me to come along.  


I ran home for my suit and met him at his house (after I got lost 3 times!)  One other couple was already there....the other had to check on their kids.   Then the other couple decided to go and get beer and I was alone with the firefighter.  We got into the hot tub and after a few minutes he became friskier than normal.   After my prior experiences, I had held him off by being alone with him in public places....I totally missed this one...I should have known better.  I had to stop him....I tried to explain that we were not going there....he asked why....so I told him.  I would not have sex with him unless we were in a committed relationship.  Oh yeah...he freaked....felt like I was boxing him in!  Even though I was just telling him why...not pushing him to go further....after the BBQ and meeting his friends I wasn't sure I wanted to do that anyway.   And in a moment of clarity...I asked if that was why his friends left?  He said yes.  Oh wow....total high school moment there!


I learned that there is apparently no good way to say the truth to a man.  He twists it into something else.  Don't ask me if you don't want an honest answer.  I have tried the other way...talking around it...alluding...it is so much more frustrating for me....probably because I didn't learn how to do it in that class....  

Occam's razor doesn't account for context....since women face more than sexism and objectification daily

You know, I am not exactly sure how I stumbled across this blog…but I am very intrigued by the blog and the varied responses to it.  And truthfully, some of the responses infuriate me to no end.  From my not so copious research here is what I know.  This woman named Rebecca Watson made a video blog to further prove her points on the sexism and objectification women face every day.  Ms.  Watson is in the Atheist/Skeptic camp.  From reading her blogs, she provides some very interesting points….specifically as a feminist.  She was apparently speaking at a conference about how religion objectifies women, but had to argue that it is also prevalent in the Atheist community.    She spoke about how people coming from religious viewpoints have threatened to rape her and how she also had to deal with sexist behaviors in all contexts, making it an overarching cultural issue.

 

In this video, she describes an incident where she felt unsafe and creeped out by the behavior of a man.  He was alone at 4am with her in an elevator and asked her to come to his room for coffee.  And that she wanted to educate men, that this type of behavior is not ok.  I spent hours reading the responses…and I felt deeply saddened that we really have not come very far in the last couple hundred years.  Many of the comments defended the actions of the man, saying he didn’t know better…or you should be happy that he is hitting on you...or equal rights means he can do this....but really it is missing the point.  I bet that he really did not mean any harm and was really a drunken bumbling idiot.  This is not the issue.  The issue is that many people do not understand what it is like to be vulnerable.  And flipping it around as if she would have done the "asking"  is completely a diversionary tactic...men and women are...newsflash...different!  Especially when it comes to sex.

We have to be constantly on guard to keep ourselves out of unsafe situations, because if we are walking alone at night on a dark street or parking lot….it is not surprising we get raped (as is the thought process of many).    ESPECIALLY if we are in a short skirt, low cut top and have had many previous sexual partners…because all of these things scream “please violate me!”   Additionally, there are many men out there who are offended that we view every stranger in nearly any unprotected situation as a possible rapist.  You can’t have it both ways—we have to be aware…because if we find ourselves in a situation where it is possible that we could be raped...and are…it is our fault for being so stupid…  I hate this blaming the victim mentality.  First of all…rape is rarely about sex…it is about power….always has been…why do you think the phrase “rape and pillage” has rape in it?  If it weren’t such a big deal…it wouldn’t be used to subdue conquered populations (while furthering your own “population”).  Secondly, as one commenter on the blog said…it’s not like people wear nametags that say “Hi, I’m Tim, I’ll be your rapist today.”   It is always there…that concern.  EVERY. DAY.

This also goes for when the victim knows the rapist (often called date rape)…it is about power…i.e., getting what they want when there has been a refusal…like “how dare she”?  I have a friend who was raped in college.  She was dating the guy, they started making out…she did not want to have sex.  He did.  He decided that since she was turning him on, and was his girlfriend…etc…that her no really meant yes.  First, yes it sucks to be turned on and not get anything out of it…and if she was really leading him on or teasing…shame on her…she was being a bitch… IRREGARDLESS…if she doesn’t want it…he needs to respect that!  AND it pisses me off when people say she didn’t say the word “no”…she said “not right now” or “I don’t feel like it”….so she really didn’t mean no.  Ok…who hasn’t had an experience where you said “NO”…and the person persisted…very pushy…bullied…maybe even physically threatened?  Or being called a cold, heinous bitch?  We have been conditioned to not give the direct no as a way to sugarcoat and spare feelings…and possibly not incite anger.  I agree that the indirect is murky…but this is where we are.  Again…it’s still not giving permission.  (as a side note—I really hate that when I stand up for myself to men—I am a bitch, too emotional, crazy or my feelings written off as unimportant!)

The thing that frightened me the most about the responses to this blog is that many people didn’t see what the fuss was about.  First, I am the first to admit that I am not a small person…nor am I weak…nor am I often hit on…but I have felt very uncomfortable, scared and even threatened by men because of the situation and their behavior.   I am fully aware that it would not take much for the average male (especially if drunk and/or determined) to overpower me.  This knowledge is scary as shit!  I am a single woman who has lived by myself for years.  I have left work to go into a dark parking lot with my keys between my fingers, checked under the car and in the back seat…not really taking a breath until I pull safely away.  I have heard a sound in my house having only a rock and my cel phone to defend myself…walking throughout the house, whole body trembling, turning on lights making sure there is no intruder.  I have locked up the bookstore and had a strange man follow me in the alley (at night, in the dark) talking to me the whole way to the Jeep…barely responding--trying to be polite so as not to anger…but praying that he leaves me alone so I can run to the Jeep and get out.  I have been in the store alone with a drunken man, afraid of what he will do….the whole time figuring out an escape plan.  See…I wouldn’t be afraid, if there wasn’t anything to be afraid of.  I have been molested by an older cousin, I have had a stalker, a man tell me he could rape me (after coming uninvited into my room), been sexually harassed walking down the street and had a man get very angry when I told him no, I am not looking to have sex with you.  AND...think about this...I am not one of the pretty women...they unfortunately get this ten-fold!  We as women have to be aware of it. ALL. THE. TIME.  

And yes…I would have been totally creeped out by a guy asking me to go to his room at 4am when it was just the two of us in the elevator.  It wouldn’t necessarily have to do anything with him…just the situation.  If admitting that and agreeing with Ms. Watson by saying… hey dudes don’t do that… makes me a femi-nazi…then I am.  Especially to those who said that he was drunk as an excuse…remember alcohol amplifies our tendencies and reduces inhibitions…if this guy thought it wasn’t a big deal to corner a girl in a small box where he could push the emergency stop button and trap her in there—when he was drunk…it is so ingrained that it is ok not to consider her feelings…we have major, major problems!  (this phenomenon by the way is called objectification)

I want equal pay for equal work.  I want equal opportunity for advancement.  I want to be respected….especially when I express my opinion.   I want to not walk around with fear always in the back of my mind.  I want my feelings, wants, wishes to be respected…and to be spoken to respectfully.  I want to feel safe.  This is another point where feminism and chivalry are not far off.  Respect of women….for me…that’s all I want.

AND...IF YOU CLICK NO OTHER LINK...CLICK THIS ONE...IT IS WELL WRITTEN AND APT!

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Autopsy File #404

So....after living in the city for a couple of years....I found that most men I dated...didn't want to date any further if I wouldn't have sex with them.  I was disappointed and growing despondent...where were the good men?  the respectful ones?  I hadn't found any!  Well, one day at a store a gentleman helped me out...while at the car...he asked for my number.  I thought....well, why not?  I won't tell you his nickname yet....  

We began dating...our schedules were different (I worked afternoons and he worked midnights)...so we met a couple of times a week for breakfast and every other weekend hung out on the evening that he didn't work.  Two months in...he said he wanted a baby!  I freaked!  I told him that I would not do that on purpose unless I were married.  He tried to talk me into it...I left early.   He apologized and I told him I would not speak of it again.  About 3 weeks later....he told me he was going away for the weekend to see his cousin.  When he returned, he told me he was moving in with another cousin (his roommate was transferred out of state).  I offered to help.  

It was late on a Sunday evening after we finished packing and cleaning....I was tired.  He wanted to go out for a drink...I wanted to go home.  He walked me to my car...all of the sudden this Suburban comes barreling down the road and nearly runs me over.  Holy Cow!  The brakes screech to a halt and this woman flies out cussing and screaming!  I was shocked and a little afraid.  She was calling me not so nice names...I have never even laid eyes on this woman...so I ask him who she is...since she obviously knows him.  She answers for me:  "I'm his ________wife, you ___ _____ _____!  There is no denial from the Married Fucker.

I am so shocked that I cannot speak!  wife?  was I that stupid to miss that?  I got in my car and left...there was no way I was sticking around! I do not play this game!  She then began a one month long harassment of calls at all hours (which by the way...the police won't bother with--thankfully she didn't know where I lived!)  He came over one time after this....to apologize and explain.....(which is the only reason I let him in).  Apparently he was dating the both of us....he preferred me (so he says)...but because I did not want to have children (I didn't bother to correct him on this one) and she already had some...he asked her to marry him.  The visiting of the "cousin" was his wedding. The moving in with his "cousin" was moving in with her!  I was such a fool to have missed this!  Thankfully I did not love the married fucker.  But, he apparently thought I did...because after explaining...and apologizing...he was trying to get me to keep seeing him!  really?  the nerve!  I told him to leave and to never contact me again!  See?  this is where that karma bomb may have gone off in my face?  LOL   

Surprisingly, he tried calling once a week for a couple of months...sometimes leaving messages, sometimes not...I never picked up or called him back (I even re-saved his name as the married fucker on my phone)....his wife found out...left me a nasty message (I always let an unknown number go to voicemail :) ).  Then he started calling me on his new number, but this time  it was only about once a month...this went on for almost three years...with more and more time in between calls.  I refused to change my number over this nonsense....and thankfully I haven't heard from him in a couple of years....maybe he finally accepted it??

This is where I began to think that maybe I should clearly state or we should have a conversation about exclusivity or where we stand...or where we want to go....it seems that it is all so murky....and since I missed that class...I don't have any idea how to do this without being blunt....because unfortunately...bluntly stating my opinion can seem like an ultimatum....I wish I knew how to negotiate this part of dating....

Why I am glad I am a girl!

A new York Times article has the title:  

A Release Valve for Cyclists’ Unrelenting Pressure...so I click it...

Really...just read the article....  while I understand why women's bikes are step-through...I don't understand why men place the bar soooo close to their precious jewels?


Also if you are curious.....the blog article that started THIS blog.... is here.  After posting this I was told it was too melodramatic....hmmm....really?  LOL....and was told to make my own femi-nazi blog  (and I ALWAYS listen.. LOL)...be careful of what you wish for ;)

Autopsy Files #402 & #403

Ahhh...the Pool Shark and the Submariner.... So...sometimes you get yourself into sticky situations...  I met the Pool Shark when I went out with co workers for my birthday.  He was hanging with some buddies...and we decided we wanted to play pool...  the boys did not want to give it up so we partnered.  It was a fun night!  I was feeling bold...so I asked for the number of the pool shark.  We began seeing each other about once a week.  After about a month, his best friend came home from the navy.  He was discharged because of a back injury.  He introduced me to the submariner....we hit it off immediately....and began seeing each other.  This is where karma might bite me....submariner knew that I was dating pool shark but not the other way around.  Please understand this disclaimer....pool shark and I never said we were exclusive, he never called me his girl friend...we were hanging out/dating.  sheesh!  All the same, I know I should have said something.....hindsight is 20/20....

Now, I wasn't serious about either of the guys....neither were boyfriend material...I enjoyed their company.  Additionally, I had just moved to a city where I knew no one (short of my co workers)...so it was nice to get out and see the city.  The problem occurred when the pool shark found out....this is where I am glad that we were not serious.....he called me a dirty whore and some other not so nice names!  He totally assumed I was having sex with his friend and not him (why is it that guys want sex right away!??)  Then the submariner thought the same thing.....  I am not completely idiotic....I wasn't gettin' that messy with this whole thing!  We never spoke again.

Here is where I am frustrated.  Guys want to date as many people as they want at the same time...(without telling the girl) but somehow expect the girl to date just him....what is up with that?  I learned that boys have much, much bigger double standards that we do!