Autopsy File #601c

Ok this is where I am really stupid.  I have somehow convinced myself that the Lumberjack and I could be friends....and actually made an effort to see if that were true.  I am not sure now what I think about the whole thing.  I felt he was very disrespectful of me....but other times not.  Sometimes he just seems clueless.  I know what I feel and it is not good....   He of course was the same frustrating man...avoiding anything of importance and focusing on the superficial...unless he could communicated more important things via electronic means....so as not to face it....and really--not giving a flying fuck about me or my feelings.  I was trying to decide if the friendship was even worth it.  I was beginning to think it wasn't.

Then it got worse...my attempt at being friends became ever so challenging when he brought in his new girlfriend into the store...they stayed a really long time.  He talks about her to me...and in an effort to remain friends I respond.  I do not want to.  I want to scream.  But really, what is the point?  I have known where I stood since day one, I had previously hoped that would be different...but as usual, I was wrong.  So...this is difficult to not feel any jealousy or resentment that--ok so it didn't work ...he has found someone....yet I have not.  I constantly edit myself to remain friends....because I am so used to being the one who smooths things out....who doesn't make waves....because we travel in some of the same circles.  But now, I realize that I don't care...it doesn't matter what circles....  it just needs to be done.   


The final straw was one day volleyball was called because of a storm.  I was on a bike.  He rode his bike home and drove back to pick up my friend and I (and our bikes) ...he drove up and down the street in the pouring rain and hail...until he found us and gave us a ride home.  It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever, ever done for me.  My heart broke in two...this is how I had always wanted to be treated....to be worth "saving"...for someone to think of me first and not himself...for someone to care enough to help without being asked.   This moment was the best and worst of my life.  I finally felt that I could be something special....but reality slapped me in the face and I was reminded that he didn't want me.  He told me many, many times.  He wanted her...a size 8, smart, funny girl from out of town.  He did this because he is a good man...not because he particularly cared...not because I was worth it.  Damn, I am a stupid girl.