I don't get scared at haunted houses....

So really....this has been my journey.  I would love to tell you it all works out in the end...that it wasn't all for naught....but I can't.  I wanted to learn something by going through this journey...at times I felt that I hadn't...sometimes I felt more disillusioned...  but here is what I have come up with.


First, because of my experiences I have learned to not trust men...not trust what they say or what they do....I am working on that.  But if you have read the whole journey, you can understand why it is difficult.  Next, while I don't like to admit it...because of the lack of success in the past 20 years of relationships, I thought that there was something wrong with me.  All the times I was told I did things wrong, wasn't enough or was too much caused me to try to fix it by changing my behavior...trying different things.  But what I had done was this:  create my own pretzel-sheep.  I have twisted myself into something that vaguely resembles me.  I have edited my self to almost nothing.  AND. THAT. HAS. TO. STOP.


I realize that I cannot stop people judging me....but I don't have to care....and that has been my problem.  I cared if people liked me....I don't want to anymore.  Last Halloween my friends and I made a joke that I was still single because I don't get scared at haunted houses....because the conversation came around to how guys like to protect girls when they are all vulnerable and stuff....  well, that's sweet and all...but what about the real and big and scary bits of life?  THAT is where I want protection where I am vulnerable...not when a kid in a Jason mask jumps out of a corner...  when the chips are down and things are bad...THAT is where I want my hero.  So really, I am still single...not because I am not girly enough...but because the men I have met are not ....manly enough to really take on the challenges that life gives us.  I don't want to do it on my own, and I am truly tired of it....but, because I have no other choice....I have to be strong enough myself....  And hope that there is an equal out there for me...someone who matches me...who is strong enough.... because I am going back to being myself......if you don't like it...well I can tell you where to jump....  

I AM awesome because I am:
*a girl with high standards
*not going to put up with anyone's shit
*sometimes a bitch
*blunt....without tact
*funny
*highly intelligent
*motivated...having ambition
*fighter for the little guy
*an artist
*a tone deaf singer
*a talker
*a feminist
*super sensitive
*have a sarcastic wit
*I like inane things and mixing it up
*a risk taker
*a good friend


I am so much more...but if you choose not to see it...that is totally your issue...and I do not have to subscribe. :)