Losing my Religion--relapse

So....at the beginning of and beyond 2011...I knew I had to change something.  I was focusing only on my failures and not my successes.  I read many books that inspired me....focused more on my faith...  I have really tried...but I cannot seem to convince myself or truly believe that God hears me or answers any of my prayers... the ones that really, really matter to me. 


I have a strange compartmentalized view of this whole thing.  I can look back and see the coincidences or incidents that have brought me along my current career path. I just fell in to the Boys & Girls Club and loved it...I was pushed by many things to do something new....and the bookstore came to me...and God helped me with all of that.  I truly believe that my career is what He wants me to have.  It is easier to believe that he helps me when I really haven't wanted or worried about it.  In Grand Rapids, I hated my job.  I wanted to get another job or back to Alpena...I wanted something different...the urgency was only in how long I could stand the awful environment that I worked in.  I guess that really, my career did not matter much to me.  I wanted to enjoy it and be able to live....nothing more.  I don't need or care for a BMW or 14 bedroom house....  I have no problem having faith here because I have seen it in action in this area of my life.


But this is where the phrase "I believe, please help my unbelief" comes in for me.  I have an area where there used to not be much urgency...used to be just like my career...I wanted something that would suit my needs...but not anything extravagant....it would happen.  I believed it would.  I just had to have patience.  I used to have faith.


Well...at this time I no longer had any patience.  I felt that hope was the absolute worst thing...because why hope for something and be constantly denied it.... it would be better off to just accept that this world is hard and not fair and disappointing...than to  believe that it could actually be something different.  Sure it can be great with some challenges for many people....but I am not one of the lucky ones.   I began to pray again about it...for understanding for revelation...for anything....but I seemed to be ignored.  And I thought...yep...God is definitely male...if he doesn't want to talk to me about something difficult or anything that matters...I am ignored...just like his earthly counterparts.  


I tried just accepting my fate...and living like that... I couldn't ...I wasn't happy.  I was stuck.  I could not have faith that it would happen...that it would get better...I  could see no light at the end of the tunnel.  Ironically, the books, priests, DVD's and everywhere I searched said I had to be positive or it wouldn't happen.  I could not figure it out...I tried to convince myself...I tried and tried....but I still could not believe it.  I was 35 ...there had been plenty of time for this before now...it was too late... I had already let go of all my hopes and dreams.... and like letting go of helium balloons...I could not figure out how to get back to that...to try to have faith.