Autopsy File #201a

In my short history with boys as not having cooties....I find myself remembering the summer before my senior year and the two plus years that follow.  The Preacher's Kid (PK) was a friend of mine.  We had volunteered on numerous events over the previous year.  He was a grade behind me and I never noticed him as anything else...until the summer before my senior year.  He was cute, funny, smart and nice.  We had great conversations and similar values.  I noticed my feelings change for him that summer...but from past experience, I knew that if I wanted to keep the friendship, I could not let on that I had more than "friendly" feelings for him.  As the school year progressed, it became even harder to squelch those feelings.  He confided in me that he liked this particular girl...my heart was hurt.  Fortunately (for me), his feelings for her subsided. (he never seemed interested in me....but one had to have hope :))  Near the end of the year, prom was approaching.  I was really dreading prom.  I wanted to go to my senior prom, but going stag seemed so pathetic.  I had decided that I would ask a friend.  I asked PK. After nearly two weeks of waiting (and assuming that it had happened YET again--he thinks I like him...therefore he has to run away)...he said that he would go with me!  I was ecstatic!  I was going to prom....not with a boyfriend, but going nonetheless!

We had a great time!  I never asked him to slow dance...and to my surprise...he asked me to!  I did not let myself get too excited...but it was great.  We began to hang out more and more over the summer before college.  It was a month before I was to go and he and I were walking from his house to a friends house.  All of the sudden, he put his arm around me....I was uncomfortable...I didn't understand what was happening...then....he tried to kiss me!  I had no idea!  I was talking through my nervousness and had turned away!  It took the few remaining minutes of the walk for me to figure out what had just happened!  I was kicking myself, but had no idea how to proceed.  (this is where that class would have been nice!  LOL) On the walk back to his house, I waited at the end of the drive before I got into my truck.  It seemed like eons, but was only a minute or two.  I wanted to give him a chance to try again if that is what he was doing...nothing happened...so I turned to go (very disappointed, but resigned)...he stopped me....then...he kissed me!  Oh my gosh!  It was so thrilling!

As I drove home, I thought"that was so awesome" "wait...what now?  what do I do?"  He took me to a movie the next day and things just progressed from there.  He was calling me his girlfriend...and I thought wow...this is what it feels like!  Over my first year in college he visited as often as he could; wrote me daily and sent me mixed tapes.  We spent tons of time together on my breaks...and made plans.  He even survived Christmas with my family!  I was falling in love!  About a month before summer break, he came for one last visit.  He brought me flowers...we had a great weekend!  As I was kissing him goodbye another girl from my hall came up and brushed rudely past.  She and I had never been friendly (I thought that anyone who had a goal of sleeping with the entire soccer team and bragging about it had some major issues!).  I came back up to my dorm room and she was waiting for me.  Curious, I asked her what she wanted.  She said:  "I am going to steal your boyfriend...you are too fat and ugly to deserve him!"  I was appalled.  I had been polite to her...and I didn't warrant this treatment.  I brushed it off (even though the comment about my appearance was still stinging.)  PK loved me....she was just jealous!

During summer break, PK decided to attend the same college I was attending.  He and I had our first fight.  I felt that he really wanted to go to Hope and was choosing Alma because I was there.  I did not want to be a reason for regret. He ended up at Alma and things went very well...for a while.  I enjoyed having my boyfriend on campus and we spent what time our busy schedules would allow together.  Second semester he decided to rush a fraternity....and he started talking about us getting married!  Shortly after that, things began to change.  He started to become distant and I figured he needed a little room...we were young...college changes you.  He even ditched my birthday because he wanted to hang out at the "house"....I was pissed and I talked to him about it.  He said, give me a month to think about things.  I figured we were done.  I was upset.  Three weeks later he came back and apologized.  Things went back to the way they were during the good times.  I felt surer of our love than ever before.  We had made it through some changes.  A month before school was done....he started to completely ignore me.  I was so confused....I asked him to go on a walk with me....  Surprisingly, he agreed.  I asked him what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.  I was shocked and hurt!  I tried to stop the tears...but I couldn't.  I wanted to be so strong....  I asked him why he chose this....he said "You don't deserve to know".