When did my life start fitting a country song?

I am disappointed, dismayed, disturbed... (and apparently addicted to alliteration--LOL!!)  


I never thought my life would mimic a country song...but alas it has....  I have had two friends whom I would have at one time considered two of my closest and dearest friends, but over the last three years for one and one year for the other have been wondering why we are friends.  I know both of them have selfish tendencies and can at times be self-absorbed (can't we all?); but I knew that about them and accepted them as they were for I know I have things about me that are annoying...this is friendship.  But when you realize that you are carrying the brunt of the friendship and if you stopped communication they wouldn't notice for a while...or even re-start it themselves, you start to question things.  With both of them, I have felt greatly taken advantage of recently.


So what has made this a country song kind of life?  My dog died.  I have been devastated, heart broken and an all out mess.  My dog was nearly a part of me....we were rarely apart.  He was my constant companion.


So what happened?  The female friend has barely spoken to me.  I know she knows she shares some of the blame in what happened to Kato.  But for two days I didn't receive so much as a text.  I reached out...at a time like this I needed my friends and family desperately...but I have started every text conversation over the past few days (but one)...she has made almost no effort.  She doesn't even ask how I am doing until I ask her first.  The only text she sent was that she was worried that we wouldn't be friends anymore and how that would kill her if that happened.  Really?  I'm barely functioning and you are worried if we are still friends because of HOW IT WILL EFFECT YOU???  Really?  How about me?  I'm the one who is dealing with the death of my companion...the one who had to be alone with his body for 30 minutes until my uncle could come and help.  (my parents were out of town).  How about ASKING HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING??!?!?


The male friend, I had been pulling away from because I felt I was getting in the way of the relationship with his girlfriend.  But I thought we were still friends.  I used to tell him my thoughts, I didn't think people turned caring off.  I reached out when I was alone with my dog, waiting....  He got back to me and wanted to know what happened....not how are you doing or anything.  Admittedly, he has a penis so really getting it is probably out....  He was also going to see his girlfriend.  He nicely offered to call when he got to her house...No...I will not get into the middle of your weekend.  But stupidly, I expected him to show some care when he got back into town.  Did I receive a text?  an e-mail?  a visit?  Asking me how I was doing? Nope. Nothing. Nada.  Some friend....I know you had the best weekend of your life...but 30 seconds of care, of time for a friend in the time of need?  Apparently that's too much to ask.  Whatever.


I struggle with why I keep people like this around me.  I am coming to a point in my life that I have to cut who is bringing me down, not supporting me, etc...  I am too old to give 19th chances.  I have to do what is best for me...not matter how much it hurts.  Ending the friendship with the male friend was fairly uncomplicated since we are not speaking to each other....but not easy.  The female friend will not be so easy either.  We have 20 years of friendship where we have had bumps in the road...but really...at a time like this...where it really matters...when you really need someone to care because you feel like you are falling apart....  it's like that song...at a time like this...you find out who your friends are...

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road This is where the cream is gonna rise This is what you really didn't know This is where the truth don't lie
[Chorus]

You find out who your friends are Somebody's gonna drop everything Run out and crank up their car Hit the gas, get there fast Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'

They just show on up with their big old heart You find out who your friends are
Everybody wants to slap your back wants to shake your hand when you're up on top of that mountain

But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who's around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end This ain't where the bandwagon stops This is just one of those times when A lot of folks jump off
[Chorus]

When the water's high When the weather's not so fair When the well runs dry Who's gonna be there?
[Chorus]

You find out who your friends are (yeah, yeah) You find out who your friends are
Run your car off the side of the road Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere (Well man, I've been there) Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

(Man, I've been there)
Man, I've been there Oooh yeah.

You see....Harry was right after all...

I know that I deluded myself in my youth that men and women can be friends with no issues.  I am not sure how that fact and it's relation to the the single most traumatic event in my dating career was partially forgotten for a while.  I know, this is what deluding yourself means...but still!  I thought I was smarter than that!


Once upon a time I was told they were "just friends" and since I was falsely secure in the relationship, I felt I had nothing to worry about.  But Sarah Adair changed all of that.  Recently, I found myself in the "Sarah" position and I couldn't stand it.  How could I be friends when all the time I was worrying if it would hurt the girlfriend?  I know it is not my job to worry about it...it is his... but having experienced the pain from the other end of it...I wanted to make sure she wasn't inadvertently hurt by anything I said or did.  No one deserves this.  As the unease grew, so did my realization that Harry was right...men and women cannot truly be just friends...someone always gets hurt in the end.  This time, like the last time, it was me.  But at least I feel more at peace because I know it was the right thing to do!

Hypocrisy leaves me tied in knots...

It is very difficult for me to ask for help, for a few reasons.  One, I was brought up in an environment where weakness was frowned upon.  Two, more often than not, when I ask for help I do not receive it or receive it begrudgingly.


I am an independent woman.  Not necessarily because I want to be, but because I have to be.  For more than 13 years I lived alone and not near family.  I counted on friends when I could, but most of the time it was only me that I could rely on.  Because of this, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to ask for help because I have been doing it myself for so long.  But, I do know my limitations--I ask for help when I cannot do it myself or alone.  


This leads me to my current frustration.  I am a person who needs a comfortable nest to relax in and feel peaceful at home.  This means that I need everything to be organized and in their place, among other things.  I recently moved in with a roommate for the first time in over 15 years, so this is doubly important that I find comfort at home.  Today, I tripped on boxes and while sitting on the floor I had to push back tears of frustration because I asked not one, not two, but three male humans to help me and nearly 8 weeks later I have still not received help. 


I have been told I am too independent and prickly (i.e., not soft and vulnerable) quite often by my father (the first person whom I asked).  So I ask him for help, because I truly need it.  But, if I keep asking, I am a naggy bitch.  So, I wait for a few weeks because I know he is busy.  But, because I am feeling anxious because things are not put away, I ask a friend.  He gives an excuse, but offers no other alternative time or method.  To me this means he does not want to help me.  If I push this issue, I am a psycho bitch.  Finally, earlier this week, I asked an acquaintance to help me.  He couldn't because his girlfriend does not like me.  (I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts on that).  I can't push that issue because then I am feminist bitch or a scheming bitch depending on your take....


So I am stuck.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  For years I have been told I am not feminine enough for reasons, like I don't ask for help and often turn down offers of it.  But, when I need help and ask for it...I don't get it.  So why would I ask for help?  Here is the hypocrisy....all these men make judgement on me because I am not the feminine ideal...but when I behave in that manner, they are not there to rescue me and be the strong, helpful man I need them to be...so really...why bother?


I guess I have to figure this out on my own....as usual....






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Narcissick

I have always loved the song Narccisick by the Ragbirds...it is a fantastic representation of the negative side of narcissism...(at least I always viewed narcissism as about "how awesome I am")


which I never would have categorized myself....but really I am a narcissist.....


I tend to think the bad, annoying, frustrating or other negative behaviors elicited by others are because of me.  I.e., "they are avoiding me, ignoring me, mad at me...."  while on the flipside when nice, wonderful things happen...I tend to downplay it.  "They would do that for anyone....it's not a special thing...."   


so what does this mean?  Basically, I have become self-absorbed in my quest to change the negative to a positive.....and really I haven't come as far as I thought.... it seems my new found 2.0ness may be a bit superficial....

a time for reflection...the pot is much blacker than the kettle

Sadly, I am reminded of a Michael Jackson song.....Man in the Mirror.  I do like this song for it's message...but I always thought I was above being petty and judgmental.  After this interesting week of reflection, I realized that I am a hypocrite.

Recently, we have had a run on the 5 Love Languages book at the store.  I admit that I have a copy somewhere from a church bible study years ago...but I barely skimmed it.  I felt the book was geared toward married couples...and I wasn't in a relationship...so how would that be relevant?  I actually think I skipped a class on it because I was sick of hearing how this helped their marriage...blah, blah, blah.  It was difficult enough being the only single person in the bible study to begin with.  Well, I accidentally pulled the Singles Version off the shelf for a customer.  I didn't even know they made one....after a year and a half of organizing and straightening, I had never really looked at this book on my shelf.

So, I decided to give it a try....I took a deep breath, set aside my preconceptions and read it.  I liked that the book focused on all sorts of relationships from family to friends to coworkers.  I realize that it is basically the same information in the other book, just packaged differently....but I guess that is what I needed.

It makes total sense to me why I just needed to hear certain things.  It makes total sense now why I had frustrations with my family and friends.  It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was just that we spoke different languages. I began to try to figure out my family and friends...because I understand how not receiving messages in the language that is strongest makes me feel.  As I tried to figure it out...I realized that so many people have been communicating that they care about me...but I didn't see it.  Upon reflection, I realized that I have been, in essence, a hypocritical, selfish bitch.  What's worse...is that I have recently accused someone of  believing the world revolved around them...  and me being the pot in this situation...apparently has thought that about myself as well.  Why is it sometimes so hard to know ourselves?

Throughout this blog I have been lamenting this feeling that I am not enough...or I am too much... Not really accepting responsibility for it...for placing blame on others.... that is supremely easier isn't it?  But that doesn't make it true.

This revelation makes me rueful.  In the past month alone...

* a friend was kind enough to wake up early, drive her car to do something with me because I wanted to and didn't want to do it alone--how did I repay her?  When she really wanted to take some silly pictures...I refused...and made a joke about it.  Which inadvertently hurt her feelings!  Yep--what a bitch--it was all about me, me, me!  

*My mother passed on a compliment that my father had said...and I dismissed it, because I couldn't believe it.  I even made some comment about it and all of this after my father had generously picked up my dog and watched him when he had a lot of stuff to do.  Ungratefulness!  Bitchiness!  No wonder I am not daddy's little girl!

*Because I was so focused on what I needed, I did not show the true appreciation I felt for a friend helping me when I thought I hurt my dog.  He even mentioned it in defense...but did I acknowledge?  Nope!  I prattled on about not getting acknowledgement!  Hypocrisy abounds!

So, as you can imagine...I feel awful.  I truly care about my friends and family and am so grateful that they are there for me....even when I am prickly.  I am making an effort to show each of them how much I care, in the language they speak (if I can figure it out).  I am going to be apologizing and making it up to them in some fashion.  It may not be much....but honestly, I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the support and love of my friends and family....and hopefully these baby steps will help make up for it.  

I said before that no woman is an island....well, watch out.... I am trying to get rid of my crocodiles!

thoughts on selfishness

I don't think of myself as overly selfish...but as someone recently pointed out to me ...I am incredibly selfish.  I am trying to wrap my head around that.  I think there is some truth to that... everyone is at least a little selfish, some are much better at averting it. 


I never thought of myself as a user either...but that was the other comment.  


I used my friends for my own selfish needs.  When you write it out...it sounds awful.  But in reality, that is the definition of friendship.  I need help with something, my friend helps me.  then vice versa....it is a mutually beneficial relationship....because if it wasn't one or both would walk away...  it sounds so callous to say it that way...but really it is.  


And yes it is selfish to want my friends to appreciate, reassure, support me in a way that makes me feel cared about.  But, they want the exact same thing from me.  I have to remember to not lose sight of this within myself....and remember that they need it too...  I would love to be the great, noble person who only gives, never needs anything...but, I am not.  


I sat in Bible study the other day, completely rocked by this concept....focusing on the other. Over the past year, I have been completely focused on myself.  2.0 and all of that!  I guess I only do things to the extreme.  When really, this was just a surface dusting.  I have so much farther to go to be truly positive, grateful and giving.  This is the difficult thing of my place in life right now...and I fear I have no idea how to proceed.  How do I show those I care about that I care, and be there for them...without losing myself?  How do I focus on personal growth without missing what is happening right in front of me?  I know in this past week alone, I was so focused on my feelings that I missed an awesome opportunity to truly thank someone for the kindness they paid me, and telling thim how much it meant to me.


I am a black and white person living in the grey area...and I am completely out of my element.  How does one get to be this age of adulthood and not be able to function outside of the extremes? 

Puzzle Pieces

I love my family and I know they love me…but they are very critical and have been for generations (as I have witnessed my grandmother criticize my 46 year old uncle, nearly relentlessly).  Conversely, I am a person where words are important and carry great weight.  Often, this has left me feeling misunderstood and feeling like I am not good enough.  I have struggled with this feeling since I was very young and learned that I was the only person I could rely on.  I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone and acted accordingly.  In essence, I built a wall and became very prickly.  As a result, I do not often trust compliments or kind words…even though I really want them to be true, and truly need to hear them.  Combining this with my negative experiences with men and well….I have trust issues.

For many years, I worked hard to tell myself how awesome I was…how I was important to others, despite what I was told or not told.  But, no woman is an island…..and when you primarily receive negative feedback, you begin to question your perception….basically when the majority pointed one way, and I another, I began to think that I was having delusions of grandeur (so to speak)…and they all couldn’t be wrong.  So I began to believe the negative.  For the past several years, I have been trying to correct this fallacy….

I don’t have that one person, like most everyone I know does.  You know, that one person who always has your back, comforts you, reassures, supports, cares… I need my friends to help bridge the gap just a little bit.  With my female friends, this has been easier.  They more often than not, intuitively know what I need.  But, with my male friends, it has been much more difficult.  This is more than a Mars and Venus thing (although that is part of it)….  I have trust issues with men.  I desire a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom I can have a family.  But, in order to do that, I need to regain my trust in men. 

I have two close male friends whom I have unfairly leaned more heavily on to help me with this process.  One of them I am closer to…and miraculously (even though I am sure I seem difficult) is still a good friend.  He has tolerated my behavior as I try to figure this out…and I am extremely grateful.  But I struggle with my concerns that I am being selfish....that I should just suck it up....  

Today, I admitted that I held a grudge against him.  He did nothing wrong and has been very kind to me (from picking me and a friend up when caught in a rainstorm, to making sure my bike tires aren’t flat, to choosing sepia over his preferred black and white, to giving me tea…and so much more)….but I  still felt hurt.  I just wanted him to understand that I needed him to verbally reassure me….and how when he didn’t I became petty—this has to change.   When I started to explain he said that I often tell him that he hurts me.  And I felt awful.  I tried to make a joke to ease my nervousness and I made it worse.  I don’t want to give him the impression that he is a bad person or overall mean to me.  Holding a grudge is my childish reaction….and I am trying to fix it.  I need his help; I need his understanding to be a better person.   I wanted to be honest about my negative reactions.  Truly, he is helping me to believe that there are still knights in shining armor out there.  He is helping me rebuild my trust in men by being “a good man”.  His girlfriend is a very lucky girl.  This gives me hope. 

I am afraid that I have given him the wrong impression (about how I see him) and wanted to explain more…I wanted to say some of what I said in this blog....but when I have expressed my emotions to men in the past....I have been accused of using some girlie trick or manipulation...when I was just trying to be heard, to be understood, and to be a better person.  I don't believe he will react this way...but I am afraid that I am wrong.  I need my good friends, and I hope I am a good friend in return.   I fear that I have done enough damage….so I don’t plan on telling him any of this.  Maybe one day, I will get it right….but until then, I am truly blessed and thankful that he is still willing to be my friend.