Puzzle Pieces

I love my family and I know they love me…but they are very critical and have been for generations (as I have witnessed my grandmother criticize my 46 year old uncle, nearly relentlessly).  Conversely, I am a person where words are important and carry great weight.  Often, this has left me feeling misunderstood and feeling like I am not good enough.  I have struggled with this feeling since I was very young and learned that I was the only person I could rely on.  I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone and acted accordingly.  In essence, I built a wall and became very prickly.  As a result, I do not often trust compliments or kind words…even though I really want them to be true, and truly need to hear them.  Combining this with my negative experiences with men and well….I have trust issues.

For many years, I worked hard to tell myself how awesome I was…how I was important to others, despite what I was told or not told.  But, no woman is an island…..and when you primarily receive negative feedback, you begin to question your perception….basically when the majority pointed one way, and I another, I began to think that I was having delusions of grandeur (so to speak)…and they all couldn’t be wrong.  So I began to believe the negative.  For the past several years, I have been trying to correct this fallacy….

I don’t have that one person, like most everyone I know does.  You know, that one person who always has your back, comforts you, reassures, supports, cares… I need my friends to help bridge the gap just a little bit.  With my female friends, this has been easier.  They more often than not, intuitively know what I need.  But, with my male friends, it has been much more difficult.  This is more than a Mars and Venus thing (although that is part of it)….  I have trust issues with men.  I desire a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom I can have a family.  But, in order to do that, I need to regain my trust in men. 

I have two close male friends whom I have unfairly leaned more heavily on to help me with this process.  One of them I am closer to…and miraculously (even though I am sure I seem difficult) is still a good friend.  He has tolerated my behavior as I try to figure this out…and I am extremely grateful.  But I struggle with my concerns that I am being selfish....that I should just suck it up....  

Today, I admitted that I held a grudge against him.  He did nothing wrong and has been very kind to me (from picking me and a friend up when caught in a rainstorm, to making sure my bike tires aren’t flat, to choosing sepia over his preferred black and white, to giving me tea…and so much more)….but I  still felt hurt.  I just wanted him to understand that I needed him to verbally reassure me….and how when he didn’t I became petty—this has to change.   When I started to explain he said that I often tell him that he hurts me.  And I felt awful.  I tried to make a joke to ease my nervousness and I made it worse.  I don’t want to give him the impression that he is a bad person or overall mean to me.  Holding a grudge is my childish reaction….and I am trying to fix it.  I need his help; I need his understanding to be a better person.   I wanted to be honest about my negative reactions.  Truly, he is helping me to believe that there are still knights in shining armor out there.  He is helping me rebuild my trust in men by being “a good man”.  His girlfriend is a very lucky girl.  This gives me hope. 

I am afraid that I have given him the wrong impression (about how I see him) and wanted to explain more…I wanted to say some of what I said in this blog....but when I have expressed my emotions to men in the past....I have been accused of using some girlie trick or manipulation...when I was just trying to be heard, to be understood, and to be a better person.  I don't believe he will react this way...but I am afraid that I am wrong.  I need my good friends, and I hope I am a good friend in return.   I fear that I have done enough damage….so I don’t plan on telling him any of this.  Maybe one day, I will get it right….but until then, I am truly blessed and thankful that he is still willing to be my friend.  

Alpena Tweed Ride: Our Bicycling Heritage

Alpena Tweed Ride: Our Bicycling Heritage: Chances are that if you are reading this Blog you have at least a passing interest in the history of bicycles.....


I can't help myself....there are some old timey songs I just adore... Daisy Bell is one of them.  I love how some songs can just bring you right back to the moment...making the memory sweeter with time.  My mom used to sing this song to us...I had all but forgotten the verses.  But the refrain stuck in my head and I often sung it when I was feeling particularly down...  except... my mom sung a second part of the chorus that was a parody...


Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do,

I'm half crazy all for the love of you.

It won't be a stylish marriage -

I can't afford a carriage,

But you'd look sweet on the seat

Joey, Joey I'll give you my answer, do,

Your half crazy to think that I'd marry you!

You can't afford a marriage-

You can't afford a carriage,

And I'll be damned if I'll be crammed

On a bicycle built for two!

How can you not smile at that?  :)

I used to live in Indiana

I thought this video was interesting.....what do you think?

I don't get scared at haunted houses....

So really....this has been my journey.  I would love to tell you it all works out in the end...that it wasn't all for naught....but I can't.  I wanted to learn something by going through this journey...at times I felt that I hadn't...sometimes I felt more disillusioned...  but here is what I have come up with.


First, because of my experiences I have learned to not trust men...not trust what they say or what they do....I am working on that.  But if you have read the whole journey, you can understand why it is difficult.  Next, while I don't like to admit it...because of the lack of success in the past 20 years of relationships, I thought that there was something wrong with me.  All the times I was told I did things wrong, wasn't enough or was too much caused me to try to fix it by changing my behavior...trying different things.  But what I had done was this:  create my own pretzel-sheep.  I have twisted myself into something that vaguely resembles me.  I have edited my self to almost nothing.  AND. THAT. HAS. TO. STOP.


I realize that I cannot stop people judging me....but I don't have to care....and that has been my problem.  I cared if people liked me....I don't want to anymore.  Last Halloween my friends and I made a joke that I was still single because I don't get scared at haunted houses....because the conversation came around to how guys like to protect girls when they are all vulnerable and stuff....  well, that's sweet and all...but what about the real and big and scary bits of life?  THAT is where I want protection where I am vulnerable...not when a kid in a Jason mask jumps out of a corner...  when the chips are down and things are bad...THAT is where I want my hero.  So really, I am still single...not because I am not girly enough...but because the men I have met are not ....manly enough to really take on the challenges that life gives us.  I don't want to do it on my own, and I am truly tired of it....but, because I have no other choice....I have to be strong enough myself....  And hope that there is an equal out there for me...someone who matches me...who is strong enough.... because I am going back to being myself......if you don't like it...well I can tell you where to jump....  

I AM awesome because I am:
*a girl with high standards
*not going to put up with anyone's shit
*sometimes a bitch
*blunt....without tact
*funny
*highly intelligent
*motivated...having ambition
*fighter for the little guy
*an artist
*a tone deaf singer
*a talker
*a feminist
*super sensitive
*have a sarcastic wit
*I like inane things and mixing it up
*a risk taker
*a good friend


I am so much more...but if you choose not to see it...that is totally your issue...and I do not have to subscribe. :)

Autopsy File #601c

Ok this is where I am really stupid.  I have somehow convinced myself that the Lumberjack and I could be friends....and actually made an effort to see if that were true.  I am not sure now what I think about the whole thing.  I felt he was very disrespectful of me....but other times not.  Sometimes he just seems clueless.  I know what I feel and it is not good....   He of course was the same frustrating man...avoiding anything of importance and focusing on the superficial...unless he could communicated more important things via electronic means....so as not to face it....and really--not giving a flying fuck about me or my feelings.  I was trying to decide if the friendship was even worth it.  I was beginning to think it wasn't.

Then it got worse...my attempt at being friends became ever so challenging when he brought in his new girlfriend into the store...they stayed a really long time.  He talks about her to me...and in an effort to remain friends I respond.  I do not want to.  I want to scream.  But really, what is the point?  I have known where I stood since day one, I had previously hoped that would be different...but as usual, I was wrong.  So...this is difficult to not feel any jealousy or resentment that--ok so it didn't work ...he has found someone....yet I have not.  I constantly edit myself to remain friends....because I am so used to being the one who smooths things out....who doesn't make waves....because we travel in some of the same circles.  But now, I realize that I don't care...it doesn't matter what circles....  it just needs to be done.   


The final straw was one day volleyball was called because of a storm.  I was on a bike.  He rode his bike home and drove back to pick up my friend and I (and our bikes) ...he drove up and down the street in the pouring rain and hail...until he found us and gave us a ride home.  It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever, ever done for me.  My heart broke in two...this is how I had always wanted to be treated....to be worth "saving"...for someone to think of me first and not himself...for someone to care enough to help without being asked.   This moment was the best and worst of my life.  I finally felt that I could be something special....but reality slapped me in the face and I was reminded that he didn't want me.  He told me many, many times.  He wanted her...a size 8, smart, funny girl from out of town.  He did this because he is a good man...not because he particularly cared...not because I was worth it.  Damn, I am a stupid girl.

selling virginity

This is unbelievable to me.....who would do this?  Some girl in China offers to sell her virginity for an iPhone.   An iPhone of all things??

Losing my Religion--relapse

So....at the beginning of and beyond 2011...I knew I had to change something.  I was focusing only on my failures and not my successes.  I read many books that inspired me....focused more on my faith...  I have really tried...but I cannot seem to convince myself or truly believe that God hears me or answers any of my prayers... the ones that really, really matter to me. 


I have a strange compartmentalized view of this whole thing.  I can look back and see the coincidences or incidents that have brought me along my current career path. I just fell in to the Boys & Girls Club and loved it...I was pushed by many things to do something new....and the bookstore came to me...and God helped me with all of that.  I truly believe that my career is what He wants me to have.  It is easier to believe that he helps me when I really haven't wanted or worried about it.  In Grand Rapids, I hated my job.  I wanted to get another job or back to Alpena...I wanted something different...the urgency was only in how long I could stand the awful environment that I worked in.  I guess that really, my career did not matter much to me.  I wanted to enjoy it and be able to live....nothing more.  I don't need or care for a BMW or 14 bedroom house....  I have no problem having faith here because I have seen it in action in this area of my life.


But this is where the phrase "I believe, please help my unbelief" comes in for me.  I have an area where there used to not be much urgency...used to be just like my career...I wanted something that would suit my needs...but not anything extravagant....it would happen.  I believed it would.  I just had to have patience.  I used to have faith.


Well...at this time I no longer had any patience.  I felt that hope was the absolute worst thing...because why hope for something and be constantly denied it.... it would be better off to just accept that this world is hard and not fair and disappointing...than to  believe that it could actually be something different.  Sure it can be great with some challenges for many people....but I am not one of the lucky ones.   I began to pray again about it...for understanding for revelation...for anything....but I seemed to be ignored.  And I thought...yep...God is definitely male...if he doesn't want to talk to me about something difficult or anything that matters...I am ignored...just like his earthly counterparts.  


I tried just accepting my fate...and living like that... I couldn't ...I wasn't happy.  I was stuck.  I could not have faith that it would happen...that it would get better...I  could see no light at the end of the tunnel.  Ironically, the books, priests, DVD's and everywhere I searched said I had to be positive or it wouldn't happen.  I could not figure it out...I tried to convince myself...I tried and tried....but I still could not believe it.  I was 35 ...there had been plenty of time for this before now...it was too late... I had already let go of all my hopes and dreams.... and like letting go of helium balloons...I could not figure out how to get back to that...to try to have faith.