Autopsy File #604

So a friend of mine set me up on a blind date.  Harry Potter lives in Grand Rapids... I can't travel much....so I wasn't sure how this was going to be.   It is much better to have a long distance relationship with someone with whom you have had a relationship with prior to moving.  It is much more difficult to start the relationship long distance.  I feel that you never really know the person because they give you their "weekend" self and you have no real idea about their lives...I view it more as a sham than anything else...  Like the girl who gets upset about the guy spending time with his friends every football game..when he didn't do that while they were just dating....he is being himself and not trying to impress...  this is why I no longer would even consider internet dating.  I have looked just to see who was in the area...but really...what is the point?  I do not want to waste anyone's time.  I will not move from Alpena.... nor in fairness, will I any longer date someone seriously that I can't get to know them and their family and friends in the environment in which they live.


I was going to get off of my soapbox...but I am climbing back on.  I believe in love...I really do.  But I am a very practical person.  I believe that the euphoria of love can sweep logic away...but in the end...how will you build a strong, solid foundation with someone 250 or 1000 miles away?  Phone calls and internet communication leave much to be desired and are really not quality time spent together....And when you are dating you present your best face...as time goes on that wears a little....until you get closer to the true person... beginning to date long distance does not allow this to happen...after visiting each other several times...you realize that you are with a stranger... you have fooled yourself because in the absence someone your imagination filled in the holes for when they were away.  It is like dating someone in a movie...you always get the good times and none of the normal...building times....music swells and there is no negativity...no reality.


So...this was my hesitation over Harry Potter.  But, my friend had been trying to figure out how to set us up for six months...and I figure it wouldn't hurt.  He came to Alpena and was only able to spend one day.  We had a fun time, but things were limited by his and my schedules.  After a few of these visits...he called me...  He had decided that it just wouldn't work.  It was too much travel.  I told him I understood...and I did.  I wasn't that into him to make the effort necessary to sustain a long distance relationship... especially when I didn't particularly trust them....


The issue I had with the whole thing was this...I know logically that it wouldn't work...but I really thought it would be nice for someone to actually want to be with me...to do things like adjust his schedule to see me...to make an effort.   Again, some people are blessed...others are not.

Autopsy File #601b

It was inevitable....I was a silly girl...I thought somehow this time would be different...yeah, right!  After getting to know me and knowing that I had opposite feelings.... he dropped me as a friend....ran as fast as he could actually--while still metaphorically rubbing it in my face...  Surprisingly this happened almost three months after the "check yes or no email"....  world record!  Usually it is instantaneous!  Woot!  


Ok to make sense of that rambling...the Lumberjack took three months to drop me as a friend after I told him I had feelings for him.  Knowing him as I do...I can look back at it and not be surprised.  I remember him telling me a story of an ex that took him something like a year to break up with.  And since I was much lower on the totem pole....  


It was an intriguing experience...he began by insinuating things about my behavior that served his ego...and then he "unfriended" me on Facebook.  Well there is a statement....how mature...   So, to prove a point I re-friended him to see what would happen...he acted like he didn't know what happened....  nice try, bucko.  THEN he had the gall to bring his new girlfriend into MY store and have me shake her hand....really?  I was polite and professional (but seething inside--how dare he??!?!!!)  AND he says I have no tact!?!?....I should have unleashed it on them when he came in with her.... but no... I remained professional in this upsetting circumstance.... because, I indeed have tact....and social skills....somethings he may need a mirror to see.


It is probably for the best....since I have never met anyone who can bring me to the basest part of myself and react like a 10 year old to his childish and passive aggressive lashing out....but he could---he somehow got to me.....I somehow let him.... let him in...


...not a good thing nor a good relationship ...maybe if he matured to at least a 20 year old....then maybe....but I don't have 10-15 years to wait for that...and really....who wants a friendship with someone who acts like a 4 year old when he doesn't like something?

Autopsy File #603a

So...I was so pissed at myself for being manipulated in such a way... the Lumberjack was considered a friend and I was now questioning my judgement of character.  I was meeting a friend who was playing at a bar...and I hadn't seen him or his girlfriend since I had moved.  While at the bar...this cute guy struck up a conversation with me....  


We talked off and on the whole night...and he offered me a ride on his motorcycle.  I was in a sundress and flip flops....  I decided...why not?  I had been leery since an incident with a dirt bike in my youth...I even stupidly asked the Lumberjack for a ride once (at the time I still trusted him).  So I took off for the first time in over 20 years on a bike.  It was exhilarating...I had a blast.


The Motorcycle guy and I hung out a few times over the next few weeks...then it just dropped off because of schedules.  I wasn't sure he was boyfriend material (he had some racist/judgmental tendencies)...but I figured what the heck...like it matters anyway?  I know the outcome here...might as well have some fun before it ends!


We see each other every few months and it has been fun.  Something to break up the boredom.  On our last interaction, I decided even that wasn't worth it any more.  I had had too much to drink and was riding my bike home.  He and I were at a bar 6 blocks from my house and I asked him to give me a ride home...he didn't feel like it.  Seriously?  six blocks?  And people wonder why I don't ask for help or even assume it will be given to me.  I no longer see the motorcycle guy.

Wheels of Change

so...I figured I would share the blog that started it all...it was called:  Wheels of Change and I thought it was totally cool because I had recently learned how the bicycle helped to raise momentum to a critical point in the women's movement... the bicycle?  my second favorite form of transportation?  oh wow....how cool is that?  


apparently not cool enough...as my partner pointed out....apparently this blog was too thought provoking for the general public....and too biased....which is confusing...since this one seems slightly skewed...don't you think?  Or am I missing the inherent sexism in this post??




Here are some other great links about sexism in sports and just in general:  


http://jezebel.com/5821580/some-advice-how-to-cover-young-girls-playing-sports



http://jezebel.com/5820354/8+year+old-girl-kickboxes-in-a-ring-government-official-is-appalled

Autopsy File #602

Well, this next one came as a bit of a surprise to me....a person that I had called a friend for a long time...I will call him Secret Society....one evening made some moves on me....   I thought we were squarely in friend zone and he never gave any inclination otherwise. After he kissed me...I really thought about it:  we got along great, we had fun, he was a more serious sort....but I figured what the heck...let's see where this goes....  Well, as unexpected as the kiss was....the complete shutdown of friendship afterwards was even more so.  It seems that by opening myself up to the idea of him and I....he decided that he didn't want that.  I was left with the sense that he was feeling sorry for himself or horny or whatever...and I was there.... how fantastic!  It is my goal in life to just be convenient to a man!  woot!

And of course our friendship suffered greatly.  We went from hanging out weekly to a nod of the head or a polite hello when we ran across each other.  And all of this happened because of a kiss and an attempt at groping, which I did not start nor finish.  We didn't date, I made no declaration of feelings, I did not ask him to check yes or no....or any of the myriad other things that I have done that is apparently wrong with men over the years....and yet it still happened.

REALLY?

There is a lot of blaming the victim issues when it comes to rape...but this is ridiculous!  The girl was eleven!  What is even more sickening is that adult women are saying it is the little girls fault....what happened to supporting and protecting each other?????

Autopsy File #601a

So...after all of the previous autopsies....I just gave up.   I realized that I was an adult....fairy tales do not happen...maybe to some people, but not to me.  Hell, I was hoping for the occasional Aesop Fable as opposed to Cinderella...that was more practical....but even that was not to be.  Instead I focused on getting back to Alpena. I realized that after the Jeep not starting incident and my second ever (and very scary) trip to the emergency room (where a co-worker sat with me)...that I was sick to death of being alone...of having only myself to depend on....I wanted to be near people who cared about me and could help me with no strings attached if I needed it....  I had to go home.  I was coming to terms that I would never find anyone...so I had to learn to live as a single for the rest of my life....but that didn't mean that I had to be without my family nearby.

For months I applied for jobs and worked on leads...and nothing....  Apparently having a Masters Degree is the kiss of death for jobs in Alpena :)...  I was ready to give up...Since I was going to have to stay there...I decided to buy a house in Grand Rapids (I really hate renting).  While in the process of dealing with their banks (they were going into foreclosure) which took longer than a normal house purchase....I heard about the Walden's closing in Alpena. It wasn't officially announced....but the rumor was on good authority... a seed began to take place....  I began working on a business plan and feasibility study....I was making at minimum monthly visits to Alpena.

It was on one of these visits that I met the Lumberjack.  The day that I was introduced to him...I had been feeling particularly stand-offish....and well that is how I treated him.  Not even saying hi, his name or shaking hands (as is customary when meeting someone)...he said some snarky comment about me texting or something....I was so sick of men especially those who think they are God's gift to women....I said something equally snarky back and proceeded to ignore him.  Unfortunately, as I drink...I loosen up....the friends I was with left to another part of the bar...and I was left sitting by myself next to the snarky lumberjack.  Somehow we ended up talking...I was drinking....I remember arguing about Tolstoy and British Literature...and that he was making up words...and that he had strong judgmental opinions and should learn to give people a chance...  

Normally, I am not this rude...but....sometimes the situation calls for it.  Apparently (according to my friends) we spent the evening talking and arguing and ignoring just about everyone else....  Surprisingly, he friended me on Facebook...  and thus it began....

The thing I remember the most was....I hadn't realized that everyone else was so boring until I had met him.  It was like I had just seen in color for the first time.  I didn't know what to make of it...so I did nothing....I wouldn't have time to think since I was opening a bookstore....besides....an incredibly intelligent, incredibly sexy red-head who had an ego the size of Texas would be too distracting... A week or so later, we began emailing each other daily...  We talked about myriad subjects...He could keep up with me... sometimes pass me...I became competitive (which I have never done with a boy)...we established a tit for tat kind of rapport that was not mean or nasty...and without realizing it....I had become smitten....crap!!!!  ...somehow I met a boy who could actually match me...this is not what I wanted at this stage of store opening...yet it was what I had been convinced would never happen...  ah the irony...

Unfortunately, through the course of our online conversations, he said things that pointed to the "he wanted us to be a just friends" kind of thing...same story, different person with a penis...  Thus, I began to edit and protect myself...I knew from past experience that if I let on that I had feelings for him...our friendship would be over.  Additionally, I thought I had protected myself not to let anyone in...I tried not to like him...I tried really.... hard.  But I failed...and by the time I moved here...I knew I had become one of those girls that he was derisive about....(he had said that being nice to girls was often mistaken as interest...and when they found out otherwise--they were upset).  

I knew it would be hard to be friends with him...but I thought I could handle it.... I looked forward to our conversations, our arguments...I had never met anyone so exciting....he kept me on my toes...challenged me....made be me better....  

We became tenuous friends in person...one day about 6 weeks into my move home, we went to the bar after volleyball practice...this is where the cockblocker incident took place.  The other thing that I remember about that night is that he put his hand on the small of my back and guided me out the door...that mere act turned my brain to mush...I was not prepared for further cockblocker onslaught.  I began to think that maybe I was wrong...maybe I had misinterpreted the just friends thing...maybe....just maybe....

So I sit back and try to figure out what is going on...have I misinterpreted?  Over the next 6 weeks or so...I become really, really confused...sometimes it seems that the just friends brakes are on...sometimes it seems that the maybe we might be going somewhere lights are on....and actually I find out...I just been taken for a ride....  After some confusing incidents...and one that really annoyed me...I asked point blank...in an email (since he seems to prefer not direct communication...I had tried to ask otherwise...but it didn't work out...always had people to protect him) ...I had my answer...he said we were just friends... no more no less....

I should have just left it at that--what I had already known....he didn't want me.... and I wasted 6 weeks of picking it apart....I  So I held my breath....because now it was out there...now we would probably not be friends anymore.... one more time I have to go through this....really?   sigh.....