For months I applied for jobs and worked on leads...and nothing.... Apparently having a Masters Degree is the kiss of death for jobs in Alpena :)... I was ready to give up...Since I was going to have to stay there...I decided to buy a house in Grand Rapids (I really hate renting). While in the process of dealing with their banks (they were going into foreclosure) which took longer than a normal house purchase....I heard about the Walden's closing in Alpena. It wasn't officially announced....but the rumor was on good authority... a seed began to take place.... I began working on a business plan and feasibility study....I was making at minimum monthly visits to Alpena.
It was on one of these visits that I met the Lumberjack. The day that I was introduced to him...I had been feeling particularly stand-offish....and well that is how I treated him. Not even saying hi, his name or shaking hands (as is customary when meeting someone)...he said some snarky comment about me texting or something....I was so sick of men especially those who think they are God's gift to women....I said something equally snarky back and proceeded to ignore him. Unfortunately, as I drink...I loosen up....the friends I was with left to another part of the bar...and I was left sitting by myself next to the snarky lumberjack. Somehow we ended up talking...I was drinking....I remember arguing about Tolstoy and British Literature...and that he was making up words...and that he had strong judgmental opinions and should learn to give people a chance...
Normally, I am not this rude...but....sometimes the situation calls for it. Apparently (according to my friends) we spent the evening talking and arguing and ignoring just about everyone else.... Surprisingly, he friended me on Facebook... and thus it began....
The thing I remember the most was....I hadn't realized that everyone else was so boring until I had met him. It was like I had just seen in color for the first time. I didn't know what to make of it...so I did nothing....I wouldn't have time to think since I was opening a bookstore....besides....an incredibly intelligent, incredibly sexy red-head who had an ego the size of Texas would be too distracting... A week or so later, we began emailing each other daily... We talked about myriad subjects...He could keep up with me... sometimes pass me...I became competitive (which I have never done with a boy)...we established a tit for tat kind of rapport that was not mean or nasty...and without realizing it....I had become smitten....crap!!!! ...somehow I met a boy who could actually match me...this is not what I wanted at this stage of store opening...yet it was what I had been convinced would never happen... ah the irony...
Unfortunately, through the course of our online conversations, he said things that pointed to the "he wanted us to be a just friends" kind of thing...same story, different person with a penis... Thus, I began to edit and protect myself...I knew from past experience that if I let on that I had feelings for him...our friendship would be over. Additionally, I thought I had protected myself not to let anyone in...I tried not to like him...I tried really.... hard. But I failed...and by the time I moved here...I knew I had become one of those girls that he was derisive about....(he had said that being nice to girls was often mistaken as interest...and when they found out otherwise--they were upset).
I knew it would be hard to be friends with him...but I thought I could handle it.... I looked forward to our conversations, our arguments...I had never met anyone so exciting....he kept me on my toes...challenged me....made be me better....
We became tenuous friends in person...one day about 6 weeks into my move home, we went to the bar after volleyball practice...this is where the cockblocker incident took place. The other thing that I remember about that night is that he put his hand on the small of my back and guided me out the door...that mere act turned my brain to mush...I was not prepared for further cockblocker onslaught. I began to think that maybe I was wrong...maybe I had misinterpreted the just friends thing...maybe....just maybe....
So I sit back and try to figure out what is going on...have I misinterpreted? Over the next 6 weeks or so...I become really, really confused...sometimes it seems that the just friends brakes are on...sometimes it seems that the maybe we might be going somewhere lights are on....and actually I find out...I just been taken for a ride.... After some confusing incidents...and one that really annoyed me...I asked point blank...in an email (since he seems to prefer not direct communication...I had tried to ask otherwise...but it didn't work out...always had people to protect him) ...I had my answer...he said we were just friends... no more no less....
I should have just left it at that--what I had already known....he didn't want me.... and I wasted 6 weeks of picking it apart....I So I held my breath....because now it was out there...now we would probably not be friends anymore.... one more time I have to go through this....really? sigh.....
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