I have bitten my tongue, compromised more often than I probably should have and used different "people skills" tactics throughout the planning of this event. My initial reaction to many things said or done were frustration...and I wanted to dig in and fight. But...I decided that I would not cut off my nose to spite my face (again another time when I have really experienced the phenomena that inspires the quip)....I had to step outside of myself and work with what was for the greater good...not just my ideal picture of the event....and yes that means giving up or giving in on some things where practicality won out. This level of compromise has been uneven.
My event partner has the tendency to be a control freak and possessive about "his stuff". He is not one to compromise at all. In the spirit of a successful event (I have planned many of these--it was basically my job for 12 years--the largest event had over 5000 people in attendance....so I kinda know what I am doing...) I have used the almost all of the skills honed over the years of working with vast and varied personalities...in the planning of this event. The biggest difference is that I am planning this event with a friend, whom I respect. The event was his idea--it didn't occur to me to try to do one here....AND it was a good idea--I wished I had thought of it myself....after his first choice of partner declined, he asked me to partner (a boost to the esteem, I know...). In case you were wondering, the biggest problem is this--he and I have vastly different understandings of partnership and team work:
So in the interest of clarity....
| — n | |
| 1. | an ally or companion: a partner in crime |
| 2. | a member of a partnership |
| 3. | one of a pair of dancers or players on the same side in a game:my bridge partner |
| 4. | either member of a couple in a relationship |
We divvied up jobs....I had more of the "pound the pavement" kind of jobs....talking to businesses, the city, the chamber....you know...community buy-in type of things...he was working on promotion (website, fliers, etc...). We utilized our strengths. I would have never agreed to do this if I had known that I wasn't respected and trusted. Because, without that...I am just being USED as a means to an end...and I am sorry...THAT. AIN'T. GONNA. HAPPEN.
As we got into this...and well after I had already talked to community members and businesses and had MY NAME, MY BUSINESS, MY REPUTATION already attached to it...I was stuck. I wanted to back out....but I could not. I feel a sense of personal responsibility with these things...if I tell people I will do something...I do it (or in extreme cases explain why I can no longer do so). But I realized that I was wrong--I was neither TRUSTED nor RESPECTED by this person I called a friend.
I am a doer...if you do not want to talk about things...or not respond to questions or e-mails...basically not communicate...I give it a week or so (and a few tries--always give it a chance) and if not...you have dropped the ball and I am picking it up. This is my personality. Remember, my name is on this...I will not let it fail. I am sorry your ego was bruised in the mean time. I always think of the bigger picture....this is how events get done. Nothing was meant as a personal attack. But you turned it into one.
In the planning of this event there have been a myriad of personality based issues....some backlash over things I have done or suggested. I have grown increasingly frustrated by the lack of communication and the passive-aggressive maneuvers. I have attempted to communicate this fact. But, today takes the cake. I tried to work with him when he blasted my blog attempt--tore it apart and found nothing good in it--he did not thank me...just said it was the wrong type of blog for our event....then took the other one I worked on and re-wrote it....and sent it back to me (I did not ask). (it was a better re-write, but it was a draft--I would have prettied it up.... and well.... it is the principle of the thing). I worked with him when he was trying to order me around like I was his helper and not his partner...like I was a bumbling idiot and he was the all-knowing director....Best guess at a reason why: he was mad he was not consulted and the blog was his baby. I worked on compromise and diffusing the situation (at the expense of my pride and I really worked hard not to lash back--as is my nature)...because I believe in the event...and working together as a team will make this better than either one of us doing it on our own....and again my name is already attached to it.
Admittedly, after several subtle attempts I had been directly pointing out that he was having an issue with control and trust in this event based on his actions and communications....I was frustrated and was trying to get my point across in a non-threatening manner. I am aware of the fragile male ego....but I will not stroke it unless it is true and warranted. Respect me and you will receive respect. Yesterday, I was super excited that my work on community buy-in was paying off....the local weekly internet magazine expressed interest in using the event for a cover and interviewing me regarding the event. This was fantastic news! The word was getting out! I was so excited...so I shared the news with my partner!!
After I sent the e-mail I realized it sounded one sided...and well...I was in a silly mood. So, I followed up with another e-mail teasingly poking at his need for "tweedy control" and reminding him of trust (because of course I mentioned his role!...and, based on previous interactions, I figured he would be miffed that he wasn't the one asked for an interview--but logically, the connection was mine, therefore they would speak to me).....and told him that they would probably interview both of us and that they had been looking at the blog etc... Again, I thought he would be excited--I was wrong. From my perspective, we are friends...he teases me mercilessly....I thought this is how we were....wrong again.
I received a very childish and passive-aggressive response. He was angry and it came across very clearly that he felt I was "stealing his glory"...taking all the credit and conversely he completely diminished the hard work I had put in...and said that he couldn't trust me to have tact. Really?
First, after all of this time--he does not know me at all...I am a behind the scenes kind of person....when I speak in the community--I talk about the store, not myself or my accomplishments. I don't need that kind of parade....a successful event is reward enough--he can walk around with the gold-star stuck to his chest.
Secondly, the unrestrained blunt girl that I am comes out amongst friends...because I TRUST them enough to be ME around them...I know that I often put my foot in my mouth and things don't always come out the right way...and I often choose not to sugar coat and mince words...(because it is more effective communication in my opinion)....but my FRIENDS know that and accept that about me. I am a completely different person professionally and in the community. I am very capable and have been very successful in event planning/public situations....I have freakin' awards! Doing something so against my nature wears me out....but it is worth it in the end. Additionally I have never once pushed the issue that I have much more and diverse experience in this area...not once....he has great connections here...and that is definitely a major bonus....but I won't pull the "experience" rank...I respect him more than that....
So...what will I do about this e-mail?
NOTHING. I will not dignify the childishness with a response. I expect my friends to respect me....somehow I was blind to it before....but there is none there. I will vent my frustrations here in my blog...thankfully he was not invited to view it :) I am choosing not to have another conversation until adult terms are agreed upon. I deserve that.
No comments:
Post a Comment