As I neared the dreaded age of 29....and after several failed dates....dating relationships....I really couldn't see that things would happen for me. I began to question God. I had tried to be a good person....I know that sometimes I am too blunt and that it is hard for me to accept help....but I grew up with people telling me that someone will love you despite your faults. As I watched most of my friends get married and start families...I thought....soon it will be me....and...it wasn't. I had never prayed for something for myself....so I decided to pray for help...to see what God's will was....for some sign for reassurance that everything would be all right.... after two years...no signs....no possibilities...nothing....I considered walking away from God. During this time I visited my parents and went to mass in my home church...the Priest talked about that one should be married and having children to truly do the work of God...that basically singles weren't full members of the church. I couldn't do it any more...to cling to faith and continuously believe that there really is someone out there for me....Hell, I was just told that in the eyes of the Church I was worthless.... I used to believe that love and having a family were the best part of life...something to look forward to...and that I would have a chance at that....before I turned 31 I realized that I had to grow up...some people are not blessed in this way. I realized that what I had been telling myself was false....I was not beautiful or special (only one person I have ever known (friends, family or otherwise) has ever told me these things (unprompted...not just trying to cheer me up)....and he broke my heart) ...or worth fighting for.... I couldn't walk into church anymore...to see the families...to be constantly reminded that I was a failure....worthless....
It would take me almost three years to try again....to try to actually have hope...
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