Hypocrisy leaves me tied in knots...

It is very difficult for me to ask for help, for a few reasons.  One, I was brought up in an environment where weakness was frowned upon.  Two, more often than not, when I ask for help I do not receive it or receive it begrudgingly.


I am an independent woman.  Not necessarily because I want to be, but because I have to be.  For more than 13 years I lived alone and not near family.  I counted on friends when I could, but most of the time it was only me that I could rely on.  Because of this, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to ask for help because I have been doing it myself for so long.  But, I do know my limitations--I ask for help when I cannot do it myself or alone.  


This leads me to my current frustration.  I am a person who needs a comfortable nest to relax in and feel peaceful at home.  This means that I need everything to be organized and in their place, among other things.  I recently moved in with a roommate for the first time in over 15 years, so this is doubly important that I find comfort at home.  Today, I tripped on boxes and while sitting on the floor I had to push back tears of frustration because I asked not one, not two, but three male humans to help me and nearly 8 weeks later I have still not received help. 


I have been told I am too independent and prickly (i.e., not soft and vulnerable) quite often by my father (the first person whom I asked).  So I ask him for help, because I truly need it.  But, if I keep asking, I am a naggy bitch.  So, I wait for a few weeks because I know he is busy.  But, because I am feeling anxious because things are not put away, I ask a friend.  He gives an excuse, but offers no other alternative time or method.  To me this means he does not want to help me.  If I push this issue, I am a psycho bitch.  Finally, earlier this week, I asked an acquaintance to help me.  He couldn't because his girlfriend does not like me.  (I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts on that).  I can't push that issue because then I am feminist bitch or a scheming bitch depending on your take....


So I am stuck.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  For years I have been told I am not feminine enough for reasons, like I don't ask for help and often turn down offers of it.  But, when I need help and ask for it...I don't get it.  So why would I ask for help?  Here is the hypocrisy....all these men make judgement on me because I am not the feminine ideal...but when I behave in that manner, they are not there to rescue me and be the strong, helpful man I need them to be...so really...why bother?


I guess I have to figure this out on my own....as usual....






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Narcissick

I have always loved the song Narccisick by the Ragbirds...it is a fantastic representation of the negative side of narcissism...(at least I always viewed narcissism as about "how awesome I am")


which I never would have categorized myself....but really I am a narcissist.....


I tend to think the bad, annoying, frustrating or other negative behaviors elicited by others are because of me.  I.e., "they are avoiding me, ignoring me, mad at me...."  while on the flipside when nice, wonderful things happen...I tend to downplay it.  "They would do that for anyone....it's not a special thing...."   


so what does this mean?  Basically, I have become self-absorbed in my quest to change the negative to a positive.....and really I haven't come as far as I thought.... it seems my new found 2.0ness may be a bit superficial....

a time for reflection...the pot is much blacker than the kettle

Sadly, I am reminded of a Michael Jackson song.....Man in the Mirror.  I do like this song for it's message...but I always thought I was above being petty and judgmental.  After this interesting week of reflection, I realized that I am a hypocrite.

Recently, we have had a run on the 5 Love Languages book at the store.  I admit that I have a copy somewhere from a church bible study years ago...but I barely skimmed it.  I felt the book was geared toward married couples...and I wasn't in a relationship...so how would that be relevant?  I actually think I skipped a class on it because I was sick of hearing how this helped their marriage...blah, blah, blah.  It was difficult enough being the only single person in the bible study to begin with.  Well, I accidentally pulled the Singles Version off the shelf for a customer.  I didn't even know they made one....after a year and a half of organizing and straightening, I had never really looked at this book on my shelf.

So, I decided to give it a try....I took a deep breath, set aside my preconceptions and read it.  I liked that the book focused on all sorts of relationships from family to friends to coworkers.  I realize that it is basically the same information in the other book, just packaged differently....but I guess that is what I needed.

It makes total sense to me why I just needed to hear certain things.  It makes total sense now why I had frustrations with my family and friends.  It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was just that we spoke different languages. I began to try to figure out my family and friends...because I understand how not receiving messages in the language that is strongest makes me feel.  As I tried to figure it out...I realized that so many people have been communicating that they care about me...but I didn't see it.  Upon reflection, I realized that I have been, in essence, a hypocritical, selfish bitch.  What's worse...is that I have recently accused someone of  believing the world revolved around them...  and me being the pot in this situation...apparently has thought that about myself as well.  Why is it sometimes so hard to know ourselves?

Throughout this blog I have been lamenting this feeling that I am not enough...or I am too much... Not really accepting responsibility for it...for placing blame on others.... that is supremely easier isn't it?  But that doesn't make it true.

This revelation makes me rueful.  In the past month alone...

* a friend was kind enough to wake up early, drive her car to do something with me because I wanted to and didn't want to do it alone--how did I repay her?  When she really wanted to take some silly pictures...I refused...and made a joke about it.  Which inadvertently hurt her feelings!  Yep--what a bitch--it was all about me, me, me!  

*My mother passed on a compliment that my father had said...and I dismissed it, because I couldn't believe it.  I even made some comment about it and all of this after my father had generously picked up my dog and watched him when he had a lot of stuff to do.  Ungratefulness!  Bitchiness!  No wonder I am not daddy's little girl!

*Because I was so focused on what I needed, I did not show the true appreciation I felt for a friend helping me when I thought I hurt my dog.  He even mentioned it in defense...but did I acknowledge?  Nope!  I prattled on about not getting acknowledgement!  Hypocrisy abounds!

So, as you can imagine...I feel awful.  I truly care about my friends and family and am so grateful that they are there for me....even when I am prickly.  I am making an effort to show each of them how much I care, in the language they speak (if I can figure it out).  I am going to be apologizing and making it up to them in some fashion.  It may not be much....but honestly, I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the support and love of my friends and family....and hopefully these baby steps will help make up for it.  

I said before that no woman is an island....well, watch out.... I am trying to get rid of my crocodiles!

thoughts on selfishness

I don't think of myself as overly selfish...but as someone recently pointed out to me ...I am incredibly selfish.  I am trying to wrap my head around that.  I think there is some truth to that... everyone is at least a little selfish, some are much better at averting it. 


I never thought of myself as a user either...but that was the other comment.  


I used my friends for my own selfish needs.  When you write it out...it sounds awful.  But in reality, that is the definition of friendship.  I need help with something, my friend helps me.  then vice versa....it is a mutually beneficial relationship....because if it wasn't one or both would walk away...  it sounds so callous to say it that way...but really it is.  


And yes it is selfish to want my friends to appreciate, reassure, support me in a way that makes me feel cared about.  But, they want the exact same thing from me.  I have to remember to not lose sight of this within myself....and remember that they need it too...  I would love to be the great, noble person who only gives, never needs anything...but, I am not.  


I sat in Bible study the other day, completely rocked by this concept....focusing on the other. Over the past year, I have been completely focused on myself.  2.0 and all of that!  I guess I only do things to the extreme.  When really, this was just a surface dusting.  I have so much farther to go to be truly positive, grateful and giving.  This is the difficult thing of my place in life right now...and I fear I have no idea how to proceed.  How do I show those I care about that I care, and be there for them...without losing myself?  How do I focus on personal growth without missing what is happening right in front of me?  I know in this past week alone, I was so focused on my feelings that I missed an awesome opportunity to truly thank someone for the kindness they paid me, and telling thim how much it meant to me.


I am a black and white person living in the grey area...and I am completely out of my element.  How does one get to be this age of adulthood and not be able to function outside of the extremes? 

Puzzle Pieces

I love my family and I know they love me…but they are very critical and have been for generations (as I have witnessed my grandmother criticize my 46 year old uncle, nearly relentlessly).  Conversely, I am a person where words are important and carry great weight.  Often, this has left me feeling misunderstood and feeling like I am not good enough.  I have struggled with this feeling since I was very young and learned that I was the only person I could rely on.  I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone and acted accordingly.  In essence, I built a wall and became very prickly.  As a result, I do not often trust compliments or kind words…even though I really want them to be true, and truly need to hear them.  Combining this with my negative experiences with men and well….I have trust issues.

For many years, I worked hard to tell myself how awesome I was…how I was important to others, despite what I was told or not told.  But, no woman is an island…..and when you primarily receive negative feedback, you begin to question your perception….basically when the majority pointed one way, and I another, I began to think that I was having delusions of grandeur (so to speak)…and they all couldn’t be wrong.  So I began to believe the negative.  For the past several years, I have been trying to correct this fallacy….

I don’t have that one person, like most everyone I know does.  You know, that one person who always has your back, comforts you, reassures, supports, cares… I need my friends to help bridge the gap just a little bit.  With my female friends, this has been easier.  They more often than not, intuitively know what I need.  But, with my male friends, it has been much more difficult.  This is more than a Mars and Venus thing (although that is part of it)….  I have trust issues with men.  I desire a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom I can have a family.  But, in order to do that, I need to regain my trust in men. 

I have two close male friends whom I have unfairly leaned more heavily on to help me with this process.  One of them I am closer to…and miraculously (even though I am sure I seem difficult) is still a good friend.  He has tolerated my behavior as I try to figure this out…and I am extremely grateful.  But I struggle with my concerns that I am being selfish....that I should just suck it up....  

Today, I admitted that I held a grudge against him.  He did nothing wrong and has been very kind to me (from picking me and a friend up when caught in a rainstorm, to making sure my bike tires aren’t flat, to choosing sepia over his preferred black and white, to giving me tea…and so much more)….but I  still felt hurt.  I just wanted him to understand that I needed him to verbally reassure me….and how when he didn’t I became petty—this has to change.   When I started to explain he said that I often tell him that he hurts me.  And I felt awful.  I tried to make a joke to ease my nervousness and I made it worse.  I don’t want to give him the impression that he is a bad person or overall mean to me.  Holding a grudge is my childish reaction….and I am trying to fix it.  I need his help; I need his understanding to be a better person.   I wanted to be honest about my negative reactions.  Truly, he is helping me to believe that there are still knights in shining armor out there.  He is helping me rebuild my trust in men by being “a good man”.  His girlfriend is a very lucky girl.  This gives me hope. 

I am afraid that I have given him the wrong impression (about how I see him) and wanted to explain more…I wanted to say some of what I said in this blog....but when I have expressed my emotions to men in the past....I have been accused of using some girlie trick or manipulation...when I was just trying to be heard, to be understood, and to be a better person.  I don't believe he will react this way...but I am afraid that I am wrong.  I need my good friends, and I hope I am a good friend in return.   I fear that I have done enough damage….so I don’t plan on telling him any of this.  Maybe one day, I will get it right….but until then, I am truly blessed and thankful that he is still willing to be my friend.  

Alpena Tweed Ride: Our Bicycling Heritage

Alpena Tweed Ride: Our Bicycling Heritage: Chances are that if you are reading this Blog you have at least a passing interest in the history of bicycles.....


I can't help myself....there are some old timey songs I just adore... Daisy Bell is one of them.  I love how some songs can just bring you right back to the moment...making the memory sweeter with time.  My mom used to sing this song to us...I had all but forgotten the verses.  But the refrain stuck in my head and I often sung it when I was feeling particularly down...  except... my mom sung a second part of the chorus that was a parody...


Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do,

I'm half crazy all for the love of you.

It won't be a stylish marriage -

I can't afford a carriage,

But you'd look sweet on the seat

Joey, Joey I'll give you my answer, do,

Your half crazy to think that I'd marry you!

You can't afford a marriage-

You can't afford a carriage,

And I'll be damned if I'll be crammed

On a bicycle built for two!

How can you not smile at that?  :)

I used to live in Indiana

I thought this video was interesting.....what do you think?

I don't get scared at haunted houses....

So really....this has been my journey.  I would love to tell you it all works out in the end...that it wasn't all for naught....but I can't.  I wanted to learn something by going through this journey...at times I felt that I hadn't...sometimes I felt more disillusioned...  but here is what I have come up with.


First, because of my experiences I have learned to not trust men...not trust what they say or what they do....I am working on that.  But if you have read the whole journey, you can understand why it is difficult.  Next, while I don't like to admit it...because of the lack of success in the past 20 years of relationships, I thought that there was something wrong with me.  All the times I was told I did things wrong, wasn't enough or was too much caused me to try to fix it by changing my behavior...trying different things.  But what I had done was this:  create my own pretzel-sheep.  I have twisted myself into something that vaguely resembles me.  I have edited my self to almost nothing.  AND. THAT. HAS. TO. STOP.


I realize that I cannot stop people judging me....but I don't have to care....and that has been my problem.  I cared if people liked me....I don't want to anymore.  Last Halloween my friends and I made a joke that I was still single because I don't get scared at haunted houses....because the conversation came around to how guys like to protect girls when they are all vulnerable and stuff....  well, that's sweet and all...but what about the real and big and scary bits of life?  THAT is where I want protection where I am vulnerable...not when a kid in a Jason mask jumps out of a corner...  when the chips are down and things are bad...THAT is where I want my hero.  So really, I am still single...not because I am not girly enough...but because the men I have met are not ....manly enough to really take on the challenges that life gives us.  I don't want to do it on my own, and I am truly tired of it....but, because I have no other choice....I have to be strong enough myself....  And hope that there is an equal out there for me...someone who matches me...who is strong enough.... because I am going back to being myself......if you don't like it...well I can tell you where to jump....  

I AM awesome because I am:
*a girl with high standards
*not going to put up with anyone's shit
*sometimes a bitch
*blunt....without tact
*funny
*highly intelligent
*motivated...having ambition
*fighter for the little guy
*an artist
*a tone deaf singer
*a talker
*a feminist
*super sensitive
*have a sarcastic wit
*I like inane things and mixing it up
*a risk taker
*a good friend


I am so much more...but if you choose not to see it...that is totally your issue...and I do not have to subscribe. :)

Autopsy File #601c

Ok this is where I am really stupid.  I have somehow convinced myself that the Lumberjack and I could be friends....and actually made an effort to see if that were true.  I am not sure now what I think about the whole thing.  I felt he was very disrespectful of me....but other times not.  Sometimes he just seems clueless.  I know what I feel and it is not good....   He of course was the same frustrating man...avoiding anything of importance and focusing on the superficial...unless he could communicated more important things via electronic means....so as not to face it....and really--not giving a flying fuck about me or my feelings.  I was trying to decide if the friendship was even worth it.  I was beginning to think it wasn't.

Then it got worse...my attempt at being friends became ever so challenging when he brought in his new girlfriend into the store...they stayed a really long time.  He talks about her to me...and in an effort to remain friends I respond.  I do not want to.  I want to scream.  But really, what is the point?  I have known where I stood since day one, I had previously hoped that would be different...but as usual, I was wrong.  So...this is difficult to not feel any jealousy or resentment that--ok so it didn't work ...he has found someone....yet I have not.  I constantly edit myself to remain friends....because I am so used to being the one who smooths things out....who doesn't make waves....because we travel in some of the same circles.  But now, I realize that I don't care...it doesn't matter what circles....  it just needs to be done.   


The final straw was one day volleyball was called because of a storm.  I was on a bike.  He rode his bike home and drove back to pick up my friend and I (and our bikes) ...he drove up and down the street in the pouring rain and hail...until he found us and gave us a ride home.  It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever, ever done for me.  My heart broke in two...this is how I had always wanted to be treated....to be worth "saving"...for someone to think of me first and not himself...for someone to care enough to help without being asked.   This moment was the best and worst of my life.  I finally felt that I could be something special....but reality slapped me in the face and I was reminded that he didn't want me.  He told me many, many times.  He wanted her...a size 8, smart, funny girl from out of town.  He did this because he is a good man...not because he particularly cared...not because I was worth it.  Damn, I am a stupid girl.

selling virginity

This is unbelievable to me.....who would do this?  Some girl in China offers to sell her virginity for an iPhone.   An iPhone of all things??

Losing my Religion--relapse

So....at the beginning of and beyond 2011...I knew I had to change something.  I was focusing only on my failures and not my successes.  I read many books that inspired me....focused more on my faith...  I have really tried...but I cannot seem to convince myself or truly believe that God hears me or answers any of my prayers... the ones that really, really matter to me. 


I have a strange compartmentalized view of this whole thing.  I can look back and see the coincidences or incidents that have brought me along my current career path. I just fell in to the Boys & Girls Club and loved it...I was pushed by many things to do something new....and the bookstore came to me...and God helped me with all of that.  I truly believe that my career is what He wants me to have.  It is easier to believe that he helps me when I really haven't wanted or worried about it.  In Grand Rapids, I hated my job.  I wanted to get another job or back to Alpena...I wanted something different...the urgency was only in how long I could stand the awful environment that I worked in.  I guess that really, my career did not matter much to me.  I wanted to enjoy it and be able to live....nothing more.  I don't need or care for a BMW or 14 bedroom house....  I have no problem having faith here because I have seen it in action in this area of my life.


But this is where the phrase "I believe, please help my unbelief" comes in for me.  I have an area where there used to not be much urgency...used to be just like my career...I wanted something that would suit my needs...but not anything extravagant....it would happen.  I believed it would.  I just had to have patience.  I used to have faith.


Well...at this time I no longer had any patience.  I felt that hope was the absolute worst thing...because why hope for something and be constantly denied it.... it would be better off to just accept that this world is hard and not fair and disappointing...than to  believe that it could actually be something different.  Sure it can be great with some challenges for many people....but I am not one of the lucky ones.   I began to pray again about it...for understanding for revelation...for anything....but I seemed to be ignored.  And I thought...yep...God is definitely male...if he doesn't want to talk to me about something difficult or anything that matters...I am ignored...just like his earthly counterparts.  


I tried just accepting my fate...and living like that... I couldn't ...I wasn't happy.  I was stuck.  I could not have faith that it would happen...that it would get better...I  could see no light at the end of the tunnel.  Ironically, the books, priests, DVD's and everywhere I searched said I had to be positive or it wouldn't happen.  I could not figure it out...I tried to convince myself...I tried and tried....but I still could not believe it.  I was 35 ...there had been plenty of time for this before now...it was too late... I had already let go of all my hopes and dreams.... and like letting go of helium balloons...I could not figure out how to get back to that...to try to have faith.

Autopsy File #604

So a friend of mine set me up on a blind date.  Harry Potter lives in Grand Rapids... I can't travel much....so I wasn't sure how this was going to be.   It is much better to have a long distance relationship with someone with whom you have had a relationship with prior to moving.  It is much more difficult to start the relationship long distance.  I feel that you never really know the person because they give you their "weekend" self and you have no real idea about their lives...I view it more as a sham than anything else...  Like the girl who gets upset about the guy spending time with his friends every football game..when he didn't do that while they were just dating....he is being himself and not trying to impress...  this is why I no longer would even consider internet dating.  I have looked just to see who was in the area...but really...what is the point?  I do not want to waste anyone's time.  I will not move from Alpena.... nor in fairness, will I any longer date someone seriously that I can't get to know them and their family and friends in the environment in which they live.


I was going to get off of my soapbox...but I am climbing back on.  I believe in love...I really do.  But I am a very practical person.  I believe that the euphoria of love can sweep logic away...but in the end...how will you build a strong, solid foundation with someone 250 or 1000 miles away?  Phone calls and internet communication leave much to be desired and are really not quality time spent together....And when you are dating you present your best face...as time goes on that wears a little....until you get closer to the true person... beginning to date long distance does not allow this to happen...after visiting each other several times...you realize that you are with a stranger... you have fooled yourself because in the absence someone your imagination filled in the holes for when they were away.  It is like dating someone in a movie...you always get the good times and none of the normal...building times....music swells and there is no negativity...no reality.


So...this was my hesitation over Harry Potter.  But, my friend had been trying to figure out how to set us up for six months...and I figure it wouldn't hurt.  He came to Alpena and was only able to spend one day.  We had a fun time, but things were limited by his and my schedules.  After a few of these visits...he called me...  He had decided that it just wouldn't work.  It was too much travel.  I told him I understood...and I did.  I wasn't that into him to make the effort necessary to sustain a long distance relationship... especially when I didn't particularly trust them....


The issue I had with the whole thing was this...I know logically that it wouldn't work...but I really thought it would be nice for someone to actually want to be with me...to do things like adjust his schedule to see me...to make an effort.   Again, some people are blessed...others are not.

Autopsy File #601b

It was inevitable....I was a silly girl...I thought somehow this time would be different...yeah, right!  After getting to know me and knowing that I had opposite feelings.... he dropped me as a friend....ran as fast as he could actually--while still metaphorically rubbing it in my face...  Surprisingly this happened almost three months after the "check yes or no email"....  world record!  Usually it is instantaneous!  Woot!  


Ok to make sense of that rambling...the Lumberjack took three months to drop me as a friend after I told him I had feelings for him.  Knowing him as I do...I can look back at it and not be surprised.  I remember him telling me a story of an ex that took him something like a year to break up with.  And since I was much lower on the totem pole....  


It was an intriguing experience...he began by insinuating things about my behavior that served his ego...and then he "unfriended" me on Facebook.  Well there is a statement....how mature...   So, to prove a point I re-friended him to see what would happen...he acted like he didn't know what happened....  nice try, bucko.  THEN he had the gall to bring his new girlfriend into MY store and have me shake her hand....really?  I was polite and professional (but seething inside--how dare he??!?!!!)  AND he says I have no tact!?!?....I should have unleashed it on them when he came in with her.... but no... I remained professional in this upsetting circumstance.... because, I indeed have tact....and social skills....somethings he may need a mirror to see.


It is probably for the best....since I have never met anyone who can bring me to the basest part of myself and react like a 10 year old to his childish and passive aggressive lashing out....but he could---he somehow got to me.....I somehow let him.... let him in...


...not a good thing nor a good relationship ...maybe if he matured to at least a 20 year old....then maybe....but I don't have 10-15 years to wait for that...and really....who wants a friendship with someone who acts like a 4 year old when he doesn't like something?

Autopsy File #603a

So...I was so pissed at myself for being manipulated in such a way... the Lumberjack was considered a friend and I was now questioning my judgement of character.  I was meeting a friend who was playing at a bar...and I hadn't seen him or his girlfriend since I had moved.  While at the bar...this cute guy struck up a conversation with me....  


We talked off and on the whole night...and he offered me a ride on his motorcycle.  I was in a sundress and flip flops....  I decided...why not?  I had been leery since an incident with a dirt bike in my youth...I even stupidly asked the Lumberjack for a ride once (at the time I still trusted him).  So I took off for the first time in over 20 years on a bike.  It was exhilarating...I had a blast.


The Motorcycle guy and I hung out a few times over the next few weeks...then it just dropped off because of schedules.  I wasn't sure he was boyfriend material (he had some racist/judgmental tendencies)...but I figured what the heck...like it matters anyway?  I know the outcome here...might as well have some fun before it ends!


We see each other every few months and it has been fun.  Something to break up the boredom.  On our last interaction, I decided even that wasn't worth it any more.  I had had too much to drink and was riding my bike home.  He and I were at a bar 6 blocks from my house and I asked him to give me a ride home...he didn't feel like it.  Seriously?  six blocks?  And people wonder why I don't ask for help or even assume it will be given to me.  I no longer see the motorcycle guy.

Wheels of Change

so...I figured I would share the blog that started it all...it was called:  Wheels of Change and I thought it was totally cool because I had recently learned how the bicycle helped to raise momentum to a critical point in the women's movement... the bicycle?  my second favorite form of transportation?  oh wow....how cool is that?  


apparently not cool enough...as my partner pointed out....apparently this blog was too thought provoking for the general public....and too biased....which is confusing...since this one seems slightly skewed...don't you think?  Or am I missing the inherent sexism in this post??




Here are some other great links about sexism in sports and just in general:  


http://jezebel.com/5821580/some-advice-how-to-cover-young-girls-playing-sports



http://jezebel.com/5820354/8+year+old-girl-kickboxes-in-a-ring-government-official-is-appalled

Autopsy File #602

Well, this next one came as a bit of a surprise to me....a person that I had called a friend for a long time...I will call him Secret Society....one evening made some moves on me....   I thought we were squarely in friend zone and he never gave any inclination otherwise. After he kissed me...I really thought about it:  we got along great, we had fun, he was a more serious sort....but I figured what the heck...let's see where this goes....  Well, as unexpected as the kiss was....the complete shutdown of friendship afterwards was even more so.  It seems that by opening myself up to the idea of him and I....he decided that he didn't want that.  I was left with the sense that he was feeling sorry for himself or horny or whatever...and I was there.... how fantastic!  It is my goal in life to just be convenient to a man!  woot!

And of course our friendship suffered greatly.  We went from hanging out weekly to a nod of the head or a polite hello when we ran across each other.  And all of this happened because of a kiss and an attempt at groping, which I did not start nor finish.  We didn't date, I made no declaration of feelings, I did not ask him to check yes or no....or any of the myriad other things that I have done that is apparently wrong with men over the years....and yet it still happened.

REALLY?

There is a lot of blaming the victim issues when it comes to rape...but this is ridiculous!  The girl was eleven!  What is even more sickening is that adult women are saying it is the little girls fault....what happened to supporting and protecting each other?????

Autopsy File #601a

So...after all of the previous autopsies....I just gave up.   I realized that I was an adult....fairy tales do not happen...maybe to some people, but not to me.  Hell, I was hoping for the occasional Aesop Fable as opposed to Cinderella...that was more practical....but even that was not to be.  Instead I focused on getting back to Alpena. I realized that after the Jeep not starting incident and my second ever (and very scary) trip to the emergency room (where a co-worker sat with me)...that I was sick to death of being alone...of having only myself to depend on....I wanted to be near people who cared about me and could help me with no strings attached if I needed it....  I had to go home.  I was coming to terms that I would never find anyone...so I had to learn to live as a single for the rest of my life....but that didn't mean that I had to be without my family nearby.

For months I applied for jobs and worked on leads...and nothing....  Apparently having a Masters Degree is the kiss of death for jobs in Alpena :)...  I was ready to give up...Since I was going to have to stay there...I decided to buy a house in Grand Rapids (I really hate renting).  While in the process of dealing with their banks (they were going into foreclosure) which took longer than a normal house purchase....I heard about the Walden's closing in Alpena. It wasn't officially announced....but the rumor was on good authority... a seed began to take place....  I began working on a business plan and feasibility study....I was making at minimum monthly visits to Alpena.

It was on one of these visits that I met the Lumberjack.  The day that I was introduced to him...I had been feeling particularly stand-offish....and well that is how I treated him.  Not even saying hi, his name or shaking hands (as is customary when meeting someone)...he said some snarky comment about me texting or something....I was so sick of men especially those who think they are God's gift to women....I said something equally snarky back and proceeded to ignore him.  Unfortunately, as I drink...I loosen up....the friends I was with left to another part of the bar...and I was left sitting by myself next to the snarky lumberjack.  Somehow we ended up talking...I was drinking....I remember arguing about Tolstoy and British Literature...and that he was making up words...and that he had strong judgmental opinions and should learn to give people a chance...  

Normally, I am not this rude...but....sometimes the situation calls for it.  Apparently (according to my friends) we spent the evening talking and arguing and ignoring just about everyone else....  Surprisingly, he friended me on Facebook...  and thus it began....

The thing I remember the most was....I hadn't realized that everyone else was so boring until I had met him.  It was like I had just seen in color for the first time.  I didn't know what to make of it...so I did nothing....I wouldn't have time to think since I was opening a bookstore....besides....an incredibly intelligent, incredibly sexy red-head who had an ego the size of Texas would be too distracting... A week or so later, we began emailing each other daily...  We talked about myriad subjects...He could keep up with me... sometimes pass me...I became competitive (which I have never done with a boy)...we established a tit for tat kind of rapport that was not mean or nasty...and without realizing it....I had become smitten....crap!!!!  ...somehow I met a boy who could actually match me...this is not what I wanted at this stage of store opening...yet it was what I had been convinced would never happen...  ah the irony...

Unfortunately, through the course of our online conversations, he said things that pointed to the "he wanted us to be a just friends" kind of thing...same story, different person with a penis...  Thus, I began to edit and protect myself...I knew from past experience that if I let on that I had feelings for him...our friendship would be over.  Additionally, I thought I had protected myself not to let anyone in...I tried not to like him...I tried really.... hard.  But I failed...and by the time I moved here...I knew I had become one of those girls that he was derisive about....(he had said that being nice to girls was often mistaken as interest...and when they found out otherwise--they were upset).  

I knew it would be hard to be friends with him...but I thought I could handle it.... I looked forward to our conversations, our arguments...I had never met anyone so exciting....he kept me on my toes...challenged me....made be me better....  

We became tenuous friends in person...one day about 6 weeks into my move home, we went to the bar after volleyball practice...this is where the cockblocker incident took place.  The other thing that I remember about that night is that he put his hand on the small of my back and guided me out the door...that mere act turned my brain to mush...I was not prepared for further cockblocker onslaught.  I began to think that maybe I was wrong...maybe I had misinterpreted the just friends thing...maybe....just maybe....

So I sit back and try to figure out what is going on...have I misinterpreted?  Over the next 6 weeks or so...I become really, really confused...sometimes it seems that the just friends brakes are on...sometimes it seems that the maybe we might be going somewhere lights are on....and actually I find out...I just been taken for a ride....  After some confusing incidents...and one that really annoyed me...I asked point blank...in an email (since he seems to prefer not direct communication...I had tried to ask otherwise...but it didn't work out...always had people to protect him) ...I had my answer...he said we were just friends... no more no less....

I should have just left it at that--what I had already known....he didn't want me.... and I wasted 6 weeks of picking it apart....I  So I held my breath....because now it was out there...now we would probably not be friends anymore.... one more time I have to go through this....really?   sigh.....

What I didn't know about Flight Attendants

Ok...really this is just funny...  read and listen....


I don't know if the pilot involved really gave a crap...but it is funny when people are caught giving opinions that they would only give in private (in a public manner) ....or more likely that they would only give to one up another man...you know...the comments and stories men use to metaphorically take out the ruler and measure?  I bet that is what this was...poor person with a penis...maybe if you didn't have to engage in machismo around other men you might not have been suspended...

Autopsy File #505

So....Bachelor #3....the final frontier....  I decided this was the last stab at internet dating....I was so tired of it all.


After a bit of a rocky start....a little miscommunication... we decided to meet after 3 months of electronic communication.  We had a great first date....and second and third....and after the 6th date, I thought...well....maybe....


Then it was his birthday...he was going out with friends (we were still in that stage)....and I decided to give him a small gift....nothing major some golf coupons and a cheesy pirate hat (he was into pirates)...I was nervous about doing this because...while I love giving friends gifts, I have learned that giving a guy you are dating a gift can be the kiss of death....and this one may have been the kiss of maiming....it seems that after this things took a turn...the next couple of "dates"  he just wanted to hang out and watch a movie at his house.... then the final day of our relationship came....


I had been at work on a Saturday....when I finally finished it was dark and my Jeep wouldn't start...and I was alone (in a city where I did not know many people).  The Mechanic was hanging out with his brother...so I didn't want to call him.  I called my dad...he couldn't diagnose from 4 hours away...I called several people...all of whom where out of town, didn't answer or had no idea how to help.  I was stuck...alone...in a not so nice neighborhood...so I decided to text the mechanic...maybe he could just tell me what to do.... He was mad that I texted....I told him I was stranded, I knew he was busy...but could he please help?   He asked if I could call anyone else (really?) I told him I tried.  He begrudgingly came to help me.  I was pissed but I said nothing because I really needed help.  


He helped as quickly as he could...kissed me good bye and left....   on Tuesday I texted him...no response....I wait a few days and try an e-mail...no response.... he usually texted me everyday.  I honestly wanted to tell him my frustration....this is why I rarely ask for help...it normally turns out  like this....  But after a few more days, I finally figure it out...he is done with me...(which is good since I didn't want to be with a man I couldn't count on in a pinch).  But what makes me mad is that he just stopped and ignored me.  I wanted to talk to him...to explain why this wasn't going to work.... Instead he took the childish route... I was even angrier....how dare he be so disrespectful....I did not get the opportunity to say what I wanted to say!!   I decided to write him a letter.  I poured out my hurt feelings in a few sentences...basically it said "Be an adult, if you don't want to be with someone GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS and say it."  Yep...I did that....LOL!  Did he learn anything?  probably not...did I?  Yes...I will never internet date again...I may look around...but that is it.  And I was also done with dating in general...it was a waste of my time.

A real case of a Cock Blocker

So I started this blog with an example of my cluelessness in male-female relationships....the "cock blocker" comment.  All of the sudden it hit me...I have experienced the wrath of a true cock blocker....(and really?  I was put in this class?)


So...the Cap'n...(that is his nickname amongst the group--I can't remember why...something to do with a hat...) He was a friend of a friend and we were at a music festival.  We hit it off as friends immediately...partly because we were the only two unnattached people in the crowd of over a dozen or so....so when the couples did "couple things"...we were by default left alone.  He was pretty cool and easy to talk to.  The first evening we were hanging out...laying on a blanket...talking and listening to music.  I was enjoying his company...not really thinking about anything else....now I have no idea if it were going anywhere....I really didn't think about it or try to assess...it was just good companionship.....


By the third evening I was thinking...hmmmm...I wonder what he thinks...  I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to ruin the time for my friends if I totally misread things.....  As we were walking back to our campsites....this one woman (whom I had an immediate dislike for when we met three days prior) pulled the Cap'n off to the side and very loudly asked if he was going to "hit that fat girl as his Bliss fuck"....everyone heard this and I was embarrassed and angry.  I didn't turn around...just kept going until back in the tent.  The next morning the Cap'n was nowhere to be seen...he missed breakfast for the first time.  Later I found him on a blanket by himself at one of the stages....I asked if the whole group was meeting there and if I could put my blanket down.  He said he didn't know and shrugged his shoulders...I tried to have conversation with him...he ignored me.  He didn't speak with me again.


That loud annoying woman was a cock blocker...even if he didn't think of me in that way...so how on earth is that possibly a way to say you are interested in someone?  I am pretty sure my friends were wrong....I must have stopped the Lumberjack from getting laid and he was trying to tell me to stop whatever it was that I was doing.


and really...just once...one time....I would love for someone to care enough to fight for me....to ignore the others and say "hey you are cool...I don't care what X says..."  to try to get past my wall....  I am 35 and it hasn't happened yet...so the chances are slim to none now.

Autopsy File #504

On to Bachelor Number Two....the Pharmacist.  We had been talking the longest online...and he seemed shy.  After some time he suggests we meet.  Date one goes well...I am not feeling a spark...but I am giving it a chance.  Dates two and three are fun...but the chemistry thing is just not clicking...really nice guy...but... so at date number 4 he says to me that he has been dating someone else and he wants to make it exclusive....so this is our last date.


Well...I am not really upset since I wasn't sure about him...and I am grateful that he was honest (a quality I have learned is very rare).  I wish him good luck and we part amicably.  Two weeks later he calls me and leaves a message.  Things didn't work out with the other girl....so how about we try again?  I couldn't believe it!  My first thought was that I am not a consolation prize!  I checked my anger and emailed a response saying that I didn't believe we were a good fit and good luck.  It was nice to have adult reactions.


The thing that bothered me the most out of this whole thing is:  I don't want to have to compete.  What is the harm of dating only one person after the second or third date?  You should know by then if there is some potential?  But, most men I had come across want to go as far as possible and then choose if backed into a corner.....   One more to go...it would work or I was done.

Autopsy File #503

I had been trying to be more positive about using online dating...but it was difficult....it is like research hoping you get the result that you want...but experiment after experiment...you still get the other result.... Nonetheless...I kept trying.  I made a decision....I would try to be more selective...I had just received a free 6 months because the first 6 didn't work...so I decided that in this time...I would date no more than three people.  I would communicate longer...trying to see if there were any red flags...  If I made it to the third person and it still didn't work...I would cancel my account.


Sooo...bachelor number one I call the IT Guy....he provided all of IT for one of the local school systems...  After several months of chatting and phoning we decided to meet...ironically he lived three blocks from where I worked...our first date was wonderful!  We got along well and enjoyed each other's company...(so far no red flags)  When he walked me to my Jeep he asked if he could kiss me goodnight!  Oh wow a real gentleman!  I thought about it for a few seconds...and decided...yes, he could.  It was a very sweet kiss.


We continued to see each other about twice a week for the next five or six weeks...and things started to progress a bit faster than what I wanted....he knew my stance on intimacy and time spent together (I was using it online to weed out the hornballs) but it got a bit more insistent.  I asked if we could slow down just a bit....he agreed.  Things went well for about another week.  He had planned to make me dinner...and rented a movie.  I was excited about this date...it sounded cozy and fun.  I get to his place and he is very standoffish...  I am confused...figure he had a bad day at work...waited for him to talk about it....  but nothing....  I tried to coax conversation...but it just wasn't happening.  Sensing that he just wanted time alone, I cut the date short and went home before the movie.  The daily e-mails and frequent phone calls ceased immediately...and I thought..."really?  what did I do wrong, now?  Sure, we had an off day, but...."  So I give it 10 days....and I email him that I want to meet....and told him when and where.  Surprisingly he agreed.


I asked him if there was something wrong.  He said no.  I know you aren't supposed to ask these types of questions because it apparently scares the easily frightened male of the species....but really?  So I let it hang there for a bit....asked how things were going...hoping he would warm up to talking...we start a conversation....  randomly he says to me that he is not perfect and he is not the perfect one for me...I am confused...where did this come from?  We weren't talking about anything in that direction...and I had been having major doubts of even another date...much less thinking he was perfect for me!  So I ask him to explain....he says that he doesn't want exclusivity and that is where this is going....I am surprised at this...since a few weeks ago he was the one who wanted to go way too fast....  so I ask him...."are you saying you want to date other people at the same time?"  He says "well since we had that bad date where we didn't talk...yes".  I realize that there is no point in dealing with this logic....at this point...I am not going to share and hope he picks me.  I tell him that "at this stage that doesn't work for me.  I do not want to waste my time."  He just looks away.  I get up, tell him goodbye and leave.  The End.

He never contacted me again...and I was left more confused over the rules of dating than ever.  I hate dating...I don't get it...I apparently always screw up.  My two main relationships have been friends and we have gotten to know each other that way...it was so much better....and I knew them so much better--the real person....but the majority of my guy friends are married or not a good fit.  And the one that I thought had potential doesn't want me.  So I guess I am stuck with dating..... sigh...

Princesses and Legos

I have been shopping for my five year old nieces and have become more and more disgusted by some of the clothing made for little girls.  I couldn't help but think that much of girls clothing has become a smorgasbord for pedophiles (who already have major issues).  I was appalled to see string bikinis and thongs for little girls--I mean sizes for six year olds, people!  And very adult looking bras...  What have we become?   I cam across this blog...and I think the picture and commentary is telling.

Kids seem to be growing up faster...knowing things younger than I knew them (for the most part)....being exposed to things earlier....  what happened to idyllic childhoods where you could just be...have fun...tell your mom where you will be and take off on your bike and be back in time for dinner?  Is our world really that evil?  or is it that it has always been--but now we have more exposure to it due to the sensationalism of the media?  Maybe it is both...

all I know that it scares me for when I have children...

Autopsy File #502

Well...the experience with WoW boy made me start thinking again....maybe just maybe...I would try to see what is out there....

So more than six months after him...I was convinced to try online dating again....  I didn't hold any high expectations based on my last experience....but I was in a different city so I decided to try a different service...I figured this one was cheaper and all the "compatibility" crap was useless the last time....

After 6 first dates that either he or I decided didn't work...I met the metal artist.  He was an odd combination...ex military (so he had the military type attitude) but also an artist....I was intrigued by him... he read things I had never read...and we had interesting conversations.....it was sometime between the third and fourth dates that I began to see something different emerge....He had strong opinions...but they veered towards racism, stereotyping and judgementalism....and my opinions were being minimalised...

After some thought, I called him (he lived in a different city)....I told him that I thought that we were too different and thanked him...I did this as nicely as possible.  I hated to do it...I don't like hurting people's feelings...but it had to be done.  He was quiet on the phone...said something to the effect of "if that's what you want".  And I thought we were done.  Apparently not.  On came the negative e-mail onslaught.  He had decided to tell me everything that was wrong with me and why I was still single!  He talked about my too wide hips and large legs, my opinionated nature, my chipped tooth, my lack of reading intellect, my need to adjust menu items and so much more....  I thought..."really?  Who does he think he is?".  I will admit that the words stung when first read...but then came the anger...he barely knew me!  We had e-mailed for a couple of months, talked on the phone a couple more...before meeting....  I unfortunately let the anger get the best of me...I hadn't planned to respond to his childish drivel....but I couldn't help the snarkiness that came out.  I sent back one sentence.  Why did you continue to ask me on dates then?  Oh yeah...I was stupid....I can't believe I didn't see this coming....damn naivety!  At least his response was the final email.  He responded "Ugly girls are easy fucks."  

I took a deep breath.  This was hard.  I knew he was just lashing out...but he was pointing out some things that I had been trying to get past...some "soft spots" that I struggled with...  Inherently I know that I am a good, worthwhile person.  But if you continuously get the message that you are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough, etc...you start to believe it.  I had this nagging little voice that he was right....that I had to keep battling.  In the end...I am so glad I went with my gut on this one....it goes show that it takes a while to really get to know someone...and that small things do make a difference...if you catch them right away.

I decided to keep trying...so on to the next one!

:)

Autopsy File #501

Upon moving back to Michigan I connected with some friends from high school...they had a Sunday dinner at their house once a month (sometimes twice)...soup in the winter and BBQ in the summer.  (I really want to start doing that here...)  I was invited to these dinners...this is where I met Mr. WoW (World of Warcraft)....we were competitive on the Wii and became friends.  One afternoon I was heading towards his side of town for an appointment and I wanted to have sushi...we both talked about our love of sushi...I invited him to join me...somehow after that we started hanging out regularly (dating)...to the surprise of the group (apparently we seemed mismatched)...It was good for about two months....then we had our first fight.  


I had asked him to help me get my kayak...he agreed.  He forgot and went to lunch instead.  When he didn't respond to my call or text, some other people tried to help me.  We ended up throwing it in the back of the Jeep.  Shortly after--he called me.  I am upset.  Somehow he forgot when he told me that he always had lunch on Tuesdays with a friend.  "Oops...ah well".  I don't ask for a lot of help with things....and I was furious at his statement.  He neglected to remember a weekly lunch that has been going on for a year when I asked...and then he completely forgot about helping me when he said he would.  It was a mistake....he responded flippantly and did not apologize.  I realized that he was being defensive because I am so angry...  I take a breath and start crying.   I understand mistakes....but I want my feelings to be acknowledged when I am in a relationship (even if they aren't completely understood) I hate being placated and my emotions downplayed (and even being told that they were not what they are or even wrong)--I grew up with that....I refuse to live with that the rest of my life...thank God for adulthood!  


So what do I do?  I tell him this...I tell him what I need.  I apologize for being angry--explain it is the remark and the reaction not the forgetting....  You would think this would be a good thing (clear communication)....but as usual...I have apparently done the wrong thing.  We fight.  I ask him if he actually even cares...or if this is just a passing time kind of thing....then I leave.


He comes over to my apartment that night.  All day long he was thinking about what I said before I left.  And he has come to the realization that he wasn't the long term type of guy for me.  (I say "ok"--and think in the back of my head...what a cop-out!)  he keeps explaining and talking...brings up the heart condition, how he doesn't want anyone to depend on him (again I say "ok"...and I'm thinking...just get it over with...)...and he keeps going....and going....for over almost two hours!  I think I have said "ok" 72 times.  Then I finally say...I think you should leave...and he does.


Only after he shuts the door do I cry.  I start processing what happened.  It was the weirdest break up ever.  But...it was the best one.  He talked to me...explained his feelings...I didn't have to understand--just accept.  He respected me to tell me why...and to make sure I was ok.  There is a first time for everything!  My only concern was our mutual friends....I knew there would be discomfort when we ended up at the same places (at least at first)....and there was.  


After a few months...we started talking again...and it was great.  It was the first time I had an autopsy WITH an ex.  We talked things out...I understood his side...he told me that I was weird because I didn't fight or scream or call names.  I laughed and told him...what was I supposed to do?  try to convince you otherwise?  you don't want me...you don't want me.  Apparently, I am different from every other girl he has ever known!  LOL  I told him I knew that...I missed that class in high school!  We realized that we were so much better as friends.  Communication is sooooo refreshing (this is the class that people with penises tend to skip en masse).  It was a little weird when he started dating and then married his "Tuesday Lunch Date"...but I could tell that it was a great love match for both of them.  I was ecstatic! (a little sad for myself at not finding "the one" yet...but happy for him nonetheless)...


WoW helped to show me that there are indeed some decent guys out there.  He and I weren't a match...but it gave me hope.  I've since lost touch with him since he has a family now (isn't that the way)....but I am glad that I got to know him.

Is there really an end to gender?

I really hope there is not an end to gender.  I really like being a girl!   Yeah there are times when I wish I were a man because something would be easier...but in the end...I can carry life--they can't do that....  my uterus makes me much, much cooler...  :) [sorry people with penises!]


So apparently it is a big deal that this Canadian couple is not telling the gender of thier child...and a mom paints her kids toenails pink...I read the NPR article that points to a neutralization of gender.  I agree with talking about humankind instead of mankind because words (as I have said before) are very powerful...in exclusion and inclusion.  I don't get offended when it is not used...I mean...we have been talking like this for hundreds of years...gonna be hard to change....but a slow one works for me.   So this got me thinking...I have a book in the store called My Princess Boy.  It is a book about acceptance.  We really get freaked out when boys play with dolls and girls play with guns...and if boys wear pink...  Why?  really it is the fear of the kids being different...but if we change things...will the kids actually grow up to be:  eek....homosexual?  eek eek... transgender?  eek eek eek...something more horrifying? (as if any of these are the end of the world...now--Lukemia...that one sucks....maybe that is what I should be worrying about...)


I don't think that is the case at all--this is a societal thing.... (not gender--but the freaking out when stereotypes are not matched).  For example....pink used to be a boy color (as a toned down red and red is a strong, mans color) and girls wore blue (because the Virgin Mary was seen in blue).  So "Storm"  the androgynous Canadian child may wear yellow until it decides on a color it likes....how refreshing will it be.... having the choice to try or like something without being told it is something wrong based on cultural norms?  won't that cause identity issues you say?  Really, I wouldn't think so...he/she may be teased you say?  really?  every child is teased...it sucks...it is part of growing up. I think giving a child a strong sense of self and the ability to be who they want--with no repercussions might just give an edge when those bullies come around....they won't worry as much about what other kids think of them....because they know how cool they are already...(trust me...it is SO much better if they get this now....)


So really what I am saying...is let them figure out who they are... with out telling them they are wrong for "trying out"  different things....and always, always, always remind kids why they are so awesome, what is so great about them and that they are worth something (even if they don't fit the the "parents" dreams)....

Autopsy File #408

So...since I ditched the internet scene....and decided that random casual sex was not for me...I wasn't expecting any opportunities.  I was involved with several things....and had no time to add more...  Strangely, after asking our Director of Operations if he would provide karate classes, it turned out to be an interesting....partnership...


The Mr.  Tequila and I had worked together for years...we were always a bit flirty (he liked my feisty side!)...but in the nearly 6 years I had worked there... (he had been going through a divorce...twice...not the best risk :)...I hadn't really noticed him as any thing else....  When he started teaching karate at the Club, I told the kids I would take classes with them....


One thing led to another and we were dating...We were having a great time going out on the town....it started to break apart when we were not out  (but I digress)....I learned a lot about the cultural "machismo"...as Mr.  Tequila was Mexican.  Really...machismo equals objectification....at least that is what I learned.  He always wanted to do things his way...never taking into account my feelings or opinions... I was really frustrated by this behavior...and knew it wouldn't last.  After only 3 weeks...it was enough to drive me crazy!  He tried to make a move on me in the copy room!!!  Our boss was right around the corner....eek!!  I told him to stop...but he thought he was funny (seeing the problem here?)


But, I had already agreed to help set up for his daughter's birthday party (but told him I would not be attending the party)  His kids came to the Clubs and I said I would never date a parent....yeah...this one was a co-worker too...double trouble!!  So, I told him early on...I would not be around his kids in a private setting...these things had to be separate...  After his daughters party...he texted me that the adults were going out...it sounded fun so I went.  I dropped my Jeep off at his place...I knew I would be drinking.  We decided to play cards at his house (I agreed...so I could sober up and drive home).  But, apparently "other" plans were made...his friends exchanged a glance which I am sure they thought I missed...yeah I saw a set up....(they wanted to play strip poker! --which I did of course....that is the only poker I tend to win ;)!)  too bad Mr. Tequila wasn't going to get what he wanted....not that he asked....he just assumed.  I would not do anything to lead him on...but I knew he was a bad idea.


His friends left and we decided to watch a movie....it was now about 1:30am...and I was thinking about leaving--knowing that he would put the moves on me....which he did....when all of the sudden, I hear from upstairs "Daddy, I'm thirsty".  I freak!  I had asked him where the kids were before I came over--he said his mother's.  I was mortified...she was 9!  She knew me...she saw me!  I was done.  He went upstairs, I left a note and left.


I was concerned about how things would play out at work (and thankfully we didn't work in the same building).  He was angry that I left and told me so (big surprise!).  But, actually I think all of the divorces (three total) must have helped him....things were fine.  He even helped me out six months later (I had already moved back to Michigan, but was in Indy because I couldn't switch the plane ticket) by getting an extra set of keys and storage for my Jeep when it was found broken into at the Club I used to work at....it was very, very nice (I was in Florida--Jeep in Indy).   It was at the time...the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me....especially an ex.


I moved back to Michigan...and wasn't sure if it was even worth the bother to look around....I was so tired....tired of not being treated properly, of being looked at as only an "outlet"...really?  was there ANYTHING else??? 

All my Friends are Dead

I recently got this book at the store called "All my Friends are Dead".  It is a hilarious parodied kids book.  It starts with a dinosaur commenting that all his friends are dead and goes from there....I especially like the tree saying all his friends were end tables....and then a lumberjack helps him out... :)


And I started thinking about this book at the store yesterday when I had several groups of friends come in and hang out.  I had many great conversations...and well...I realized...that most of my friends are dead!  I mean this in a metaphorical sense.  Our friendships have changed so drastically over they years, that really...what they were.... are well...dead.  As I watched my customers just hang out and just be....I really felt that I missed that.  Now, all of my friends must bring their significant other at every outing....togetherness is one of the cool things in relationships....but, sometimes you just wanna hang out with your friends...with them making no other concessions for another person.  This is the interesting thing about growing up... and being the only single friend.  It used to really bother me when I was the third, fifth, seventh, ninth... wheel.  It doesn't so much any more....but occasionally I would like to be one of the gang...not the unattached one.

YOU. DON'T. KNOW. ME. AT. ALL!

Here is my bitch and moan for the day:  This boy (and at the moment it is the only appropriate moniker) and I are organizing an event together.  When I agreed, I thought it would be interesting because we are both strong willed, strong personalitied people...but I figured it would be a good learning experience as I also had a passion for the event.


I have bitten my tongue, compromised more often than I probably should have and used different "people skills" tactics throughout the planning of this event.  My initial reaction to many things said or done were frustration...and I wanted to dig in and fight.  But...I decided that I would not cut off my nose to spite my face (again another time when I have really experienced the phenomena that inspires the quip)....I had to step outside of myself and work with what was for the greater good...not just my ideal picture of the event....and yes that means giving up or giving in on some things where practicality won out.  This level of compromise has been uneven.


My event partner has the tendency to be a control freak and possessive about "his stuff".  He is not one to compromise at all.  In the spirit of a successful event (I have planned many of these--it was basically my job for 12 years--the largest event had over 5000 people in attendance....so I kinda know what I am doing...)  I have used the almost all of the skills honed over the years of working with vast and varied personalities...in the planning of this event.  The biggest difference is that I am planning this event with a friend, whom I respect.  The event was his idea--it didn't occur to me to try to do one here....AND it was a good idea--I wished I had thought of it myself....after his first choice of partner declined, he asked me to partner (a boost to the esteem, I know...).  In case you were wondering, the biggest problem is this--he and I have vastly different understandings of partnership and team work:


So  in the interest of clarity....

— n
1.	an ally or companion: a partner in crime
2.	a member of a partnership
3.	one of a pair of dancers or players on the same side in a game:my bridge partner
4.	either member of a couple in a relationship

We divvied up jobs....I had more of the "pound the pavement" kind of jobs....talking to businesses, the city, the chamber....you know...community buy-in type of things...he was working on promotion (website, fliers, etc...).  We utilized our strengths.  I would have never agreed to do this if I had known that I wasn't respected and trusted.  Because, without that...I am just being USED as a means to an end...and I am sorry...THAT. AIN'T. GONNA. HAPPEN.


As we got into this...and well after I had already talked to community members and businesses and had MY NAME, MY BUSINESS, MY REPUTATION already attached to it...I was stuck.  I wanted to back out....but I could not.  I feel a sense of personal responsibility with these things...if I tell people I will do something...I do it (or in extreme cases explain why I can no longer do so).  But I realized that I was wrong--I was neither TRUSTED nor RESPECTED by this person I called a friend.


I am a doer...if you do not want to talk about things...or not respond to questions or e-mails...basically not communicate...I give it a week or so (and a few tries--always give it a chance) and if not...you have dropped the ball and I am picking it up.  This is my personality.  Remember, my name is on this...I will not let it fail.  I am sorry your ego was bruised in the mean time.  I always think of the bigger picture....this is how events get done.  Nothing was meant as a personal attack.  But you turned it into one.


In the planning of this event there have been a myriad of personality based issues....some backlash over things I have done or suggested.  I have grown increasingly frustrated by the lack of communication and the passive-aggressive maneuvers.  I have attempted to communicate this fact.  But, today takes the cake.  I tried to work with him when he blasted my blog attempt--tore it apart and found nothing good in it--he did not thank me...just said it was the wrong type of blog for our event....then took the other one I worked on and re-wrote it....and sent it back to me (I did not ask).   (it was a better re-write, but it was a draft--I would have prettied it up.... and well.... it is the principle of the thing).  I worked with him when he was trying to order me around like I was his helper and not his partner...like I was a bumbling idiot and he was the all-knowing director....Best guess at a reason why:  he was mad he was not consulted and the blog was his baby.  I worked on compromise and diffusing the situation (at the expense of my pride and I really worked hard not to lash back--as is my nature)...because I believe in the event...and working together as a team will make this better than either one of us doing it on our own....and again my name is already attached to it.


Admittedly, after several subtle attempts I had been directly pointing out that he was having an issue with control and trust in this event based on his actions and communications....I was frustrated and was trying to get my point across in a non-threatening manner.  I am aware of the fragile male ego....but I will not stroke it unless it is true and warranted.  Respect me and you will receive respect.  Yesterday, I was super excited that my work on community buy-in was paying off....the local weekly internet magazine expressed interest in using the event for a cover and interviewing me regarding the event.  This was fantastic news!  The word was getting out!  I was so excited...so I shared the news with my partner!! 


After I sent the e-mail I realized it sounded one sided...and well...I was in a silly mood.  So, I followed up with another e-mail teasingly poking at his need for "tweedy control" and reminding him of trust (because of course I mentioned his role!...and, based on previous interactions, I figured he would be miffed that he wasn't the one asked for an interview--but logically, the connection was mine, therefore they would speak to me).....and told him that they would probably interview both of us and that they had been looking at the blog etc... Again, I thought he would be excited--I was wrong. From my perspective, we are friends...he teases me mercilessly....I thought this is how we were....wrong again.


I received a very childish and passive-aggressive response.  He was angry and it came across very clearly that he felt I was "stealing his glory"...taking all the credit and conversely he completely diminished the hard work I had put in...and said that he couldn't trust me to have tact.  Really?  


First, after all of this time--he does not know me at all...I am a behind the scenes kind of person....when I speak in the community--I talk about the store, not myself or my accomplishments.  I don't need that kind of parade....a successful event is reward enough--he can walk around with the gold-star stuck to his chest.   


Secondly, the unrestrained blunt girl that I am comes out amongst friends...because I TRUST them enough to be ME around them...I know that I often put my foot in my mouth and things don't always come out the right way...and I often choose not to sugar coat and mince words...(because it is more effective communication in my opinion)....but my FRIENDS know that and accept that about me.  I am a completely different person professionally and in the community.  I am very capable and have been very successful in event planning/public situations....I have freakin' awards!  Doing something so against my nature wears me out....but it is worth it in the end.  Additionally I have never once pushed the issue that I have much more and diverse experience in this area...not once....he has great connections here...and that is definitely a major bonus....but I won't pull the "experience" rank...I respect him more than that....


So...what will I do about this e-mail?


NOTHING.  I will not dignify the childishness with a response.  I expect my friends to respect me....somehow I was blind to it before....but there is none there.   I will vent my frustrations here in my blog...thankfully he was not invited to view it :)  I am choosing not to have another conversation until adult terms are agreed upon.  I deserve that.