So a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. Harry Potter lives in Grand Rapids... I can't travel much....so I wasn't sure how this was going to be. It is much better to have a long distance relationship with someone with whom you have had a relationship with prior to moving. It is much more difficult to start the relationship long distance. I feel that you never really know the person because they give you their "weekend" self and you have no real idea about their lives...I view it more as a sham than anything else... Like the girl who gets upset about the guy spending time with his friends every football game..when he didn't do that while they were just dating....he is being himself and not trying to impress... this is why I no longer would even consider internet dating. I have looked just to see who was in the area...but really...what is the point? I do not want to waste anyone's time. I will not move from Alpena.... nor in fairness, will I any longer date someone seriously that I can't get to know them and their family and friends in the environment in which they live.
I was going to get off of my soapbox...but I am climbing back on. I believe in love...I really do. But I am a very practical person. I believe that the euphoria of love can sweep logic away...but in the end...how will you build a strong, solid foundation with someone 250 or 1000 miles away? Phone calls and internet communication leave much to be desired and are really not quality time spent together....And when you are dating you present your best face...as time goes on that wears a little....until you get closer to the true person... beginning to date long distance does not allow this to happen...after visiting each other several times...you realize that you are with a stranger... you have fooled yourself because in the absence someone your imagination filled in the holes for when they were away. It is like dating someone in a movie...you always get the good times and none of the normal...building times....music swells and there is no negativity...no reality.
So...this was my hesitation over Harry Potter. But, my friend had been trying to figure out how to set us up for six months...and I figure it wouldn't hurt. He came to Alpena and was only able to spend one day. We had a fun time, but things were limited by his and my schedules. After a few of these visits...he called me... He had decided that it just wouldn't work. It was too much travel. I told him I understood...and I did. I wasn't that into him to make the effort necessary to sustain a long distance relationship... especially when I didn't particularly trust them....
The issue I had with the whole thing was this...I know logically that it wouldn't work...but I really thought it would be nice for someone to actually want to be with me...to do things like adjust his schedule to see me...to make an effort. Again, some people are blessed...others are not.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Autopsy File #601b
It was inevitable....I was a silly girl...I thought somehow this time would be different...yeah, right! After getting to know me and knowing that I had opposite feelings.... he dropped me as a friend....ran as fast as he could actually--while still metaphorically rubbing it in my face... Surprisingly this happened almost three months after the "check yes or no email".... world record! Usually it is instantaneous! Woot!
Ok to make sense of that rambling...the Lumberjack took three months to drop me as a friend after I told him I had feelings for him. Knowing him as I do...I can look back at it and not be surprised. I remember him telling me a story of an ex that took him something like a year to break up with. And since I was much lower on the totem pole....
It was an intriguing experience...he began by insinuating things about my behavior that served his ego...and then he "unfriended" me on Facebook. Well there is a statement....how mature... So, to prove a point I re-friended him to see what would happen...he acted like he didn't know what happened.... nice try, bucko. THEN he had the gall to bring his new girlfriend into MY store and have me shake her hand....really? I was polite and professional (but seething inside--how dare he??!?!!!) AND he says I have no tact!?!?....I should have unleashed it on them when he came in with her.... but no... I remained professional in this upsetting circumstance.... because, I indeed have tact....and social skills....somethings he may need a mirror to see.
It is probably for the best....since I have never met anyone who can bring me to the basest part of myself and react like a 10 year old to his childish and passive aggressive lashing out....but he could---he somehow got to me.....I somehow let him.... let him in...
...not a good thing nor a good relationship ...maybe if he matured to at least a 20 year old....then maybe....but I don't have 10-15 years to wait for that...and really....who wants a friendship with someone who acts like a 4 year old when he doesn't like something?
Ok to make sense of that rambling...the Lumberjack took three months to drop me as a friend after I told him I had feelings for him. Knowing him as I do...I can look back at it and not be surprised. I remember him telling me a story of an ex that took him something like a year to break up with. And since I was much lower on the totem pole....
It was an intriguing experience...he began by insinuating things about my behavior that served his ego...and then he "unfriended" me on Facebook. Well there is a statement....how mature... So, to prove a point I re-friended him to see what would happen...he acted like he didn't know what happened.... nice try, bucko. THEN he had the gall to bring his new girlfriend into MY store and have me shake her hand....really? I was polite and professional (but seething inside--how dare he??!?!!!) AND he says I have no tact!?!?....I should have unleashed it on them when he came in with her.... but no... I remained professional in this upsetting circumstance.... because, I indeed have tact....and social skills....somethings he may need a mirror to see.
It is probably for the best....since I have never met anyone who can bring me to the basest part of myself and react like a 10 year old to his childish and passive aggressive lashing out....but he could---he somehow got to me.....I somehow let him.... let him in...
...not a good thing nor a good relationship ...maybe if he matured to at least a 20 year old....then maybe....but I don't have 10-15 years to wait for that...and really....who wants a friendship with someone who acts like a 4 year old when he doesn't like something?
Friday, July 29, 2011
Autopsy File #603a
So...I was so pissed at myself for being manipulated in such a way... the Lumberjack was considered a friend and I was now questioning my judgement of character. I was meeting a friend who was playing at a bar...and I hadn't seen him or his girlfriend since I had moved. While at the bar...this cute guy struck up a conversation with me....
We talked off and on the whole night...and he offered me a ride on his motorcycle. I was in a sundress and flip flops.... I decided...why not? I had been leery since an incident with a dirt bike in my youth...I even stupidly asked the Lumberjack for a ride once (at the time I still trusted him). So I took off for the first time in over 20 years on a bike. It was exhilarating...I had a blast.
The Motorcycle guy and I hung out a few times over the next few weeks...then it just dropped off because of schedules. I wasn't sure he was boyfriend material (he had some racist/judgmental tendencies)...but I figured what the heck...like it matters anyway? I know the outcome here...might as well have some fun before it ends!
We see each other every few months and it has been fun. Something to break up the boredom. On our last interaction, I decided even that wasn't worth it any more. I had had too much to drink and was riding my bike home. He and I were at a bar 6 blocks from my house and I asked him to give me a ride home...he didn't feel like it. Seriously? six blocks? And people wonder why I don't ask for help or even assume it will be given to me. I no longer see the motorcycle guy.
We talked off and on the whole night...and he offered me a ride on his motorcycle. I was in a sundress and flip flops.... I decided...why not? I had been leery since an incident with a dirt bike in my youth...I even stupidly asked the Lumberjack for a ride once (at the time I still trusted him). So I took off for the first time in over 20 years on a bike. It was exhilarating...I had a blast.
The Motorcycle guy and I hung out a few times over the next few weeks...then it just dropped off because of schedules. I wasn't sure he was boyfriend material (he had some racist/judgmental tendencies)...but I figured what the heck...like it matters anyway? I know the outcome here...might as well have some fun before it ends!
We see each other every few months and it has been fun. Something to break up the boredom. On our last interaction, I decided even that wasn't worth it any more. I had had too much to drink and was riding my bike home. He and I were at a bar 6 blocks from my house and I asked him to give me a ride home...he didn't feel like it. Seriously? six blocks? And people wonder why I don't ask for help or even assume it will be given to me. I no longer see the motorcycle guy.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wheels of Change
so...I figured I would share the blog that started it all...it was called: Wheels of Change and I thought it was totally cool because I had recently learned how the bicycle helped to raise momentum to a critical point in the women's movement... the bicycle? my second favorite form of transportation? oh wow....how cool is that?
apparently not cool enough...as my partner pointed out....apparently this blog was too thought provoking for the general public....and too biased....which is confusing...since this one seems slightly skewed...don't you think? Or am I missing the inherent sexism in this post??
Here are some other great links about sexism in sports and just in general:
http://jezebel.com/5821580/some-advice-how-to-cover-young-girls-playing-sports
http://jezebel.com/5820354/8+year+old-girl-kickboxes-in-a-ring-government-official-is-appalled
apparently not cool enough...as my partner pointed out....apparently this blog was too thought provoking for the general public....and too biased....which is confusing...since this one seems slightly skewed...don't you think? Or am I missing the inherent sexism in this post??
Here are some other great links about sexism in sports and just in general:
http://jezebel.com/5821580/some-advice-how-to-cover-young-girls-playing-sports
http://jezebel.com/5820354/8+year+old-girl-kickboxes-in-a-ring-government-official-is-appalled
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Autopsy File #602
Well, this next one came as a bit of a surprise to me....a person that I had called a friend for a long time...I will call him Secret Society....one evening made some moves on me.... I thought we were squarely in friend zone and he never gave any inclination otherwise. After he kissed me...I really thought about it: we got along great, we had fun, he was a more serious sort....but I figured what the heck...let's see where this goes.... Well, as unexpected as the kiss was....the complete shutdown of friendship afterwards was even more so. It seems that by opening myself up to the idea of him and I....he decided that he didn't want that. I was left with the sense that he was feeling sorry for himself or horny or whatever...and I was there.... how fantastic! It is my goal in life to just be convenient to a man! woot!
And of course our friendship suffered greatly. We went from hanging out weekly to a nod of the head or a polite hello when we ran across each other. And all of this happened because of a kiss and an attempt at groping, which I did not start nor finish. We didn't date, I made no declaration of feelings, I did not ask him to check yes or no....or any of the myriad other things that I have done that is apparently wrong with men over the years....and yet it still happened.
And of course our friendship suffered greatly. We went from hanging out weekly to a nod of the head or a polite hello when we ran across each other. And all of this happened because of a kiss and an attempt at groping, which I did not start nor finish. We didn't date, I made no declaration of feelings, I did not ask him to check yes or no....or any of the myriad other things that I have done that is apparently wrong with men over the years....and yet it still happened.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Autopsy File #601a
So...after all of the previous autopsies....I just gave up. I realized that I was an adult....fairy tales do not happen...maybe to some people, but not to me. Hell, I was hoping for the occasional Aesop Fable as opposed to Cinderella...that was more practical....but even that was not to be. Instead I focused on getting back to Alpena. I realized that after the Jeep not starting incident and my second ever (and very scary) trip to the emergency room (where a co-worker sat with me)...that I was sick to death of being alone...of having only myself to depend on....I wanted to be near people who cared about me and could help me with no strings attached if I needed it.... I had to go home. I was coming to terms that I would never find anyone...so I had to learn to live as a single for the rest of my life....but that didn't mean that I had to be without my family nearby.
For months I applied for jobs and worked on leads...and nothing.... Apparently having a Masters Degree is the kiss of death for jobs in Alpena :)... I was ready to give up...Since I was going to have to stay there...I decided to buy a house in Grand Rapids (I really hate renting). While in the process of dealing with their banks (they were going into foreclosure) which took longer than a normal house purchase....I heard about the Walden's closing in Alpena. It wasn't officially announced....but the rumor was on good authority... a seed began to take place.... I began working on a business plan and feasibility study....I was making at minimum monthly visits to Alpena.
It was on one of these visits that I met the Lumberjack. The day that I was introduced to him...I had been feeling particularly stand-offish....and well that is how I treated him. Not even saying hi, his name or shaking hands (as is customary when meeting someone)...he said some snarky comment about me texting or something....I was so sick of men especially those who think they are God's gift to women....I said something equally snarky back and proceeded to ignore him. Unfortunately, as I drink...I loosen up....the friends I was with left to another part of the bar...and I was left sitting by myself next to the snarky lumberjack. Somehow we ended up talking...I was drinking....I remember arguing about Tolstoy and British Literature...and that he was making up words...and that he had strong judgmental opinions and should learn to give people a chance...
Normally, I am not this rude...but....sometimes the situation calls for it. Apparently (according to my friends) we spent the evening talking and arguing and ignoring just about everyone else.... Surprisingly, he friended me on Facebook... and thus it began....
The thing I remember the most was....I hadn't realized that everyone else was so boring until I had met him. It was like I had just seen in color for the first time. I didn't know what to make of it...so I did nothing....I wouldn't have time to think since I was opening a bookstore....besides....an incredibly intelligent, incredibly sexy red-head who had an ego the size of Texas would be too distracting... A week or so later, we began emailing each other daily... We talked about myriad subjects...He could keep up with me... sometimes pass me...I became competitive (which I have never done with a boy)...we established a tit for tat kind of rapport that was not mean or nasty...and without realizing it....I had become smitten....crap!!!! ...somehow I met a boy who could actually match me...this is not what I wanted at this stage of store opening...yet it was what I had been convinced would never happen... ah the irony...
Unfortunately, through the course of our online conversations, he said things that pointed to the "he wanted us to be a just friends" kind of thing...same story, different person with a penis... Thus, I began to edit and protect myself...I knew from past experience that if I let on that I had feelings for him...our friendship would be over. Additionally, I thought I had protected myself not to let anyone in...I tried not to like him...I tried really.... hard. But I failed...and by the time I moved here...I knew I had become one of those girls that he was derisive about....(he had said that being nice to girls was often mistaken as interest...and when they found out otherwise--they were upset).
I knew it would be hard to be friends with him...but I thought I could handle it.... I looked forward to our conversations, our arguments...I had never met anyone so exciting....he kept me on my toes...challenged me....made be me better....
We became tenuous friends in person...one day about 6 weeks into my move home, we went to the bar after volleyball practice...this is where the cockblocker incident took place. The other thing that I remember about that night is that he put his hand on the small of my back and guided me out the door...that mere act turned my brain to mush...I was not prepared for further cockblocker onslaught. I began to think that maybe I was wrong...maybe I had misinterpreted the just friends thing...maybe....just maybe....
So I sit back and try to figure out what is going on...have I misinterpreted? Over the next 6 weeks or so...I become really, really confused...sometimes it seems that the just friends brakes are on...sometimes it seems that the maybe we might be going somewhere lights are on....and actually I find out...I just been taken for a ride.... After some confusing incidents...and one that really annoyed me...I asked point blank...in an email (since he seems to prefer not direct communication...I had tried to ask otherwise...but it didn't work out...always had people to protect him) ...I had my answer...he said we were just friends... no more no less....
I should have just left it at that--what I had already known....he didn't want me.... and I wasted 6 weeks of picking it apart....I So I held my breath....because now it was out there...now we would probably not be friends anymore.... one more time I have to go through this....really? sigh.....
Monday, July 25, 2011
What I didn't know about Flight Attendants
Ok...really this is just funny... read and listen....
I don't know if the pilot involved really gave a crap...but it is funny when people are caught giving opinions that they would only give in private (in a public manner) ....or more likely that they would only give to one up another man...you know...the comments and stories men use to metaphorically take out the ruler and measure? I bet that is what this was...poor person with a penis...maybe if you didn't have to engage in machismo around other men you might not have been suspended...
I don't know if the pilot involved really gave a crap...but it is funny when people are caught giving opinions that they would only give in private (in a public manner) ....or more likely that they would only give to one up another man...you know...the comments and stories men use to metaphorically take out the ruler and measure? I bet that is what this was...poor person with a penis...maybe if you didn't have to engage in machismo around other men you might not have been suspended...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Autopsy File #505
So....Bachelor #3....the final frontier.... I decided this was the last stab at internet dating....I was so tired of it all.
After a bit of a rocky start....a little miscommunication... we decided to meet after 3 months of electronic communication. We had a great first date....and second and third....and after the 6th date, I thought...well....maybe....
Then it was his birthday...he was going out with friends (we were still in that stage)....and I decided to give him a small gift....nothing major some golf coupons and a cheesy pirate hat (he was into pirates)...I was nervous about doing this because...while I love giving friends gifts, I have learned that giving a guy you are dating a gift can be the kiss of death....and this one may have been the kiss of maiming....it seems that after this things took a turn...the next couple of "dates" he just wanted to hang out and watch a movie at his house.... then the final day of our relationship came....
I had been at work on a Saturday....when I finally finished it was dark and my Jeep wouldn't start...and I was alone (in a city where I did not know many people). The Mechanic was hanging out with his brother...so I didn't want to call him. I called my dad...he couldn't diagnose from 4 hours away...I called several people...all of whom where out of town, didn't answer or had no idea how to help. I was stuck...alone...in a not so nice neighborhood...so I decided to text the mechanic...maybe he could just tell me what to do.... He was mad that I texted....I told him I was stranded, I knew he was busy...but could he please help? He asked if I could call anyone else (really?) I told him I tried. He begrudgingly came to help me. I was pissed but I said nothing because I really needed help.
He helped as quickly as he could...kissed me good bye and left.... on Tuesday I texted him...no response....I wait a few days and try an e-mail...no response.... he usually texted me everyday. I honestly wanted to tell him my frustration....this is why I rarely ask for help...it normally turns out like this.... But after a few more days, I finally figure it out...he is done with me...(which is good since I didn't want to be with a man I couldn't count on in a pinch). But what makes me mad is that he just stopped and ignored me. I wanted to talk to him...to explain why this wasn't going to work.... Instead he took the childish route... I was even angrier....how dare he be so disrespectful....I did not get the opportunity to say what I wanted to say!! I decided to write him a letter. I poured out my hurt feelings in a few sentences...basically it said "Be an adult, if you don't want to be with someone GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS and say it." Yep...I did that....LOL! Did he learn anything? probably not...did I? Yes...I will never internet date again...I may look around...but that is it. And I was also done with dating in general...it was a waste of my time.
After a bit of a rocky start....a little miscommunication... we decided to meet after 3 months of electronic communication. We had a great first date....and second and third....and after the 6th date, I thought...well....maybe....
Then it was his birthday...he was going out with friends (we were still in that stage)....and I decided to give him a small gift....nothing major some golf coupons and a cheesy pirate hat (he was into pirates)...I was nervous about doing this because...while I love giving friends gifts, I have learned that giving a guy you are dating a gift can be the kiss of death....and this one may have been the kiss of maiming....it seems that after this things took a turn...the next couple of "dates" he just wanted to hang out and watch a movie at his house.... then the final day of our relationship came....
I had been at work on a Saturday....when I finally finished it was dark and my Jeep wouldn't start...and I was alone (in a city where I did not know many people). The Mechanic was hanging out with his brother...so I didn't want to call him. I called my dad...he couldn't diagnose from 4 hours away...I called several people...all of whom where out of town, didn't answer or had no idea how to help. I was stuck...alone...in a not so nice neighborhood...so I decided to text the mechanic...maybe he could just tell me what to do.... He was mad that I texted....I told him I was stranded, I knew he was busy...but could he please help? He asked if I could call anyone else (really?) I told him I tried. He begrudgingly came to help me. I was pissed but I said nothing because I really needed help.
He helped as quickly as he could...kissed me good bye and left.... on Tuesday I texted him...no response....I wait a few days and try an e-mail...no response.... he usually texted me everyday. I honestly wanted to tell him my frustration....this is why I rarely ask for help...it normally turns out like this.... But after a few more days, I finally figure it out...he is done with me...(which is good since I didn't want to be with a man I couldn't count on in a pinch). But what makes me mad is that he just stopped and ignored me. I wanted to talk to him...to explain why this wasn't going to work.... Instead he took the childish route... I was even angrier....how dare he be so disrespectful....I did not get the opportunity to say what I wanted to say!! I decided to write him a letter. I poured out my hurt feelings in a few sentences...basically it said "Be an adult, if you don't want to be with someone GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS and say it." Yep...I did that....LOL! Did he learn anything? probably not...did I? Yes...I will never internet date again...I may look around...but that is it. And I was also done with dating in general...it was a waste of my time.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
A real case of a Cock Blocker
So I started this blog with an example of my cluelessness in male-female relationships....the "cock blocker" comment. All of the sudden it hit me...I have experienced the wrath of a true cock blocker....(and really? I was put in this class?)
So...the Cap'n...(that is his nickname amongst the group--I can't remember why...something to do with a hat...) He was a friend of a friend and we were at a music festival. We hit it off as friends immediately...partly because we were the only two unnattached people in the crowd of over a dozen or so....so when the couples did "couple things"...we were by default left alone. He was pretty cool and easy to talk to. The first evening we were hanging out...laying on a blanket...talking and listening to music. I was enjoying his company...not really thinking about anything else....now I have no idea if it were going anywhere....I really didn't think about it or try to assess...it was just good companionship.....
By the third evening I was thinking...hmmmm...I wonder what he thinks... I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to ruin the time for my friends if I totally misread things..... As we were walking back to our campsites....this one woman (whom I had an immediate dislike for when we met three days prior) pulled the Cap'n off to the side and very loudly asked if he was going to "hit that fat girl as his Bliss fuck"....everyone heard this and I was embarrassed and angry. I didn't turn around...just kept going until back in the tent. The next morning the Cap'n was nowhere to be seen...he missed breakfast for the first time. Later I found him on a blanket by himself at one of the stages....I asked if the whole group was meeting there and if I could put my blanket down. He said he didn't know and shrugged his shoulders...I tried to have conversation with him...he ignored me. He didn't speak with me again.
That loud annoying woman was a cock blocker...even if he didn't think of me in that way...so how on earth is that possibly a way to say you are interested in someone? I am pretty sure my friends were wrong....I must have stopped the Lumberjack from getting laid and he was trying to tell me to stop whatever it was that I was doing.
and really...just once...one time....I would love for someone to care enough to fight for me....to ignore the others and say "hey you are cool...I don't care what X says..." to try to get past my wall.... I am 35 and it hasn't happened yet...so the chances are slim to none now.
So...the Cap'n...(that is his nickname amongst the group--I can't remember why...something to do with a hat...) He was a friend of a friend and we were at a music festival. We hit it off as friends immediately...partly because we were the only two unnattached people in the crowd of over a dozen or so....so when the couples did "couple things"...we were by default left alone. He was pretty cool and easy to talk to. The first evening we were hanging out...laying on a blanket...talking and listening to music. I was enjoying his company...not really thinking about anything else....now I have no idea if it were going anywhere....I really didn't think about it or try to assess...it was just good companionship.....
By the third evening I was thinking...hmmmm...I wonder what he thinks... I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to ruin the time for my friends if I totally misread things..... As we were walking back to our campsites....this one woman (whom I had an immediate dislike for when we met three days prior) pulled the Cap'n off to the side and very loudly asked if he was going to "hit that fat girl as his Bliss fuck"....everyone heard this and I was embarrassed and angry. I didn't turn around...just kept going until back in the tent. The next morning the Cap'n was nowhere to be seen...he missed breakfast for the first time. Later I found him on a blanket by himself at one of the stages....I asked if the whole group was meeting there and if I could put my blanket down. He said he didn't know and shrugged his shoulders...I tried to have conversation with him...he ignored me. He didn't speak with me again.
That loud annoying woman was a cock blocker...even if he didn't think of me in that way...so how on earth is that possibly a way to say you are interested in someone? I am pretty sure my friends were wrong....I must have stopped the Lumberjack from getting laid and he was trying to tell me to stop whatever it was that I was doing.
and really...just once...one time....I would love for someone to care enough to fight for me....to ignore the others and say "hey you are cool...I don't care what X says..." to try to get past my wall.... I am 35 and it hasn't happened yet...so the chances are slim to none now.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Autopsy File #504
On to Bachelor Number Two....the Pharmacist. We had been talking the longest online...and he seemed shy. After some time he suggests we meet. Date one goes well...I am not feeling a spark...but I am giving it a chance. Dates two and three are fun...but the chemistry thing is just not clicking...really nice guy...but... so at date number 4 he says to me that he has been dating someone else and he wants to make it exclusive....so this is our last date.
Well...I am not really upset since I wasn't sure about him...and I am grateful that he was honest (a quality I have learned is very rare). I wish him good luck and we part amicably. Two weeks later he calls me and leaves a message. Things didn't work out with the other girl....so how about we try again? I couldn't believe it! My first thought was that I am not a consolation prize! I checked my anger and emailed a response saying that I didn't believe we were a good fit and good luck. It was nice to have adult reactions.
The thing that bothered me the most out of this whole thing is: I don't want to have to compete. What is the harm of dating only one person after the second or third date? You should know by then if there is some potential? But, most men I had come across want to go as far as possible and then choose if backed into a corner..... One more to go...it would work or I was done.
Well...I am not really upset since I wasn't sure about him...and I am grateful that he was honest (a quality I have learned is very rare). I wish him good luck and we part amicably. Two weeks later he calls me and leaves a message. Things didn't work out with the other girl....so how about we try again? I couldn't believe it! My first thought was that I am not a consolation prize! I checked my anger and emailed a response saying that I didn't believe we were a good fit and good luck. It was nice to have adult reactions.
The thing that bothered me the most out of this whole thing is: I don't want to have to compete. What is the harm of dating only one person after the second or third date? You should know by then if there is some potential? But, most men I had come across want to go as far as possible and then choose if backed into a corner..... One more to go...it would work or I was done.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Autopsy File #503
I had been trying to be more positive about using online dating...but it was difficult....it is like research hoping you get the result that you want...but experiment after experiment...you still get the other result.... Nonetheless...I kept trying. I made a decision....I would try to be more selective...I had just received a free 6 months because the first 6 didn't work...so I decided that in this time...I would date no more than three people. I would communicate longer...trying to see if there were any red flags... If I made it to the third person and it still didn't work...I would cancel my account.
Sooo...bachelor number one I call the IT Guy....he provided all of IT for one of the local school systems... After several months of chatting and phoning we decided to meet...ironically he lived three blocks from where I worked...our first date was wonderful! We got along well and enjoyed each other's company...(so far no red flags) When he walked me to my Jeep he asked if he could kiss me goodnight! Oh wow a real gentleman! I thought about it for a few seconds...and decided...yes, he could. It was a very sweet kiss.
We continued to see each other about twice a week for the next five or six weeks...and things started to progress a bit faster than what I wanted....he knew my stance on intimacy and time spent together (I was using it online to weed out the hornballs) but it got a bit more insistent. I asked if we could slow down just a bit....he agreed. Things went well for about another week. He had planned to make me dinner...and rented a movie. I was excited about this date...it sounded cozy and fun. I get to his place and he is very standoffish... I am confused...figure he had a bad day at work...waited for him to talk about it.... but nothing.... I tried to coax conversation...but it just wasn't happening. Sensing that he just wanted time alone, I cut the date short and went home before the movie. The daily e-mails and frequent phone calls ceased immediately...and I thought..."really? what did I do wrong, now? Sure, we had an off day, but...." So I give it 10 days....and I email him that I want to meet....and told him when and where. Surprisingly he agreed.
I asked him if there was something wrong. He said no. I know you aren't supposed to ask these types of questions because it apparently scares the easily frightened male of the species....but really? So I let it hang there for a bit....asked how things were going...hoping he would warm up to talking...we start a conversation.... randomly he says to me that he is not perfect and he is not the perfect one for me...I am confused...where did this come from? We weren't talking about anything in that direction...and I had been having major doubts of even another date...much less thinking he was perfect for me! So I ask him to explain....he says that he doesn't want exclusivity and that is where this is going....I am surprised at this...since a few weeks ago he was the one who wanted to go way too fast.... so I ask him...."are you saying you want to date other people at the same time?" He says "well since we had that bad date where we didn't talk...yes". I realize that there is no point in dealing with this logic....at this point...I am not going to share and hope he picks me. I tell him that "at this stage that doesn't work for me. I do not want to waste my time." He just looks away. I get up, tell him goodbye and leave. The End.
He never contacted me again...and I was left more confused over the rules of dating than ever. I hate dating...I don't get it...I apparently always screw up. My two main relationships have been friends and we have gotten to know each other that way...it was so much better....and I knew them so much better--the real person....but the majority of my guy friends are married or not a good fit. And the one that I thought had potential doesn't want me. So I guess I am stuck with dating..... sigh...
Sooo...bachelor number one I call the IT Guy....he provided all of IT for one of the local school systems... After several months of chatting and phoning we decided to meet...ironically he lived three blocks from where I worked...our first date was wonderful! We got along well and enjoyed each other's company...(so far no red flags) When he walked me to my Jeep he asked if he could kiss me goodnight! Oh wow a real gentleman! I thought about it for a few seconds...and decided...yes, he could. It was a very sweet kiss.
We continued to see each other about twice a week for the next five or six weeks...and things started to progress a bit faster than what I wanted....he knew my stance on intimacy and time spent together (I was using it online to weed out the hornballs) but it got a bit more insistent. I asked if we could slow down just a bit....he agreed. Things went well for about another week. He had planned to make me dinner...and rented a movie. I was excited about this date...it sounded cozy and fun. I get to his place and he is very standoffish... I am confused...figure he had a bad day at work...waited for him to talk about it.... but nothing.... I tried to coax conversation...but it just wasn't happening. Sensing that he just wanted time alone, I cut the date short and went home before the movie. The daily e-mails and frequent phone calls ceased immediately...and I thought..."really? what did I do wrong, now? Sure, we had an off day, but...." So I give it 10 days....and I email him that I want to meet....and told him when and where. Surprisingly he agreed.
I asked him if there was something wrong. He said no. I know you aren't supposed to ask these types of questions because it apparently scares the easily frightened male of the species....but really? So I let it hang there for a bit....asked how things were going...hoping he would warm up to talking...we start a conversation.... randomly he says to me that he is not perfect and he is not the perfect one for me...I am confused...where did this come from? We weren't talking about anything in that direction...and I had been having major doubts of even another date...much less thinking he was perfect for me! So I ask him to explain....he says that he doesn't want exclusivity and that is where this is going....I am surprised at this...since a few weeks ago he was the one who wanted to go way too fast.... so I ask him...."are you saying you want to date other people at the same time?" He says "well since we had that bad date where we didn't talk...yes". I realize that there is no point in dealing with this logic....at this point...I am not going to share and hope he picks me. I tell him that "at this stage that doesn't work for me. I do not want to waste my time." He just looks away. I get up, tell him goodbye and leave. The End.
He never contacted me again...and I was left more confused over the rules of dating than ever. I hate dating...I don't get it...I apparently always screw up. My two main relationships have been friends and we have gotten to know each other that way...it was so much better....and I knew them so much better--the real person....but the majority of my guy friends are married or not a good fit. And the one that I thought had potential doesn't want me. So I guess I am stuck with dating..... sigh...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Princesses and Legos
I have been shopping for my five year old nieces and have become more and more disgusted by some of the clothing made for little girls. I couldn't help but think that much of girls clothing has become a smorgasbord for pedophiles (who already have major issues). I was appalled to see string bikinis and thongs for little girls--I mean sizes for six year olds, people! And very adult looking bras... What have we become? I cam across this blog...and I think the picture and commentary is telling.
Kids seem to be growing up faster...knowing things younger than I knew them (for the most part)....being exposed to things earlier.... what happened to idyllic childhoods where you could just be...have fun...tell your mom where you will be and take off on your bike and be back in time for dinner? Is our world really that evil? or is it that it has always been--but now we have more exposure to it due to the sensationalism of the media? Maybe it is both...
all I know that it scares me for when I have children...
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Autopsy File #502
Well...the experience with WoW boy made me start thinking again....maybe just maybe...I would try to see what is out there....
So more than six months after him...I was convinced to try online dating again.... I didn't hold any high expectations based on my last experience....but I was in a different city so I decided to try a different service...I figured this one was cheaper and all the "compatibility" crap was useless the last time....
After 6 first dates that either he or I decided didn't work...I met the metal artist. He was an odd combination...ex military (so he had the military type attitude) but also an artist....I was intrigued by him... he read things I had never read...and we had interesting conversations.....it was sometime between the third and fourth dates that I began to see something different emerge....He had strong opinions...but they veered towards racism, stereotyping and judgementalism....and my opinions were being minimalised...
After some thought, I called him (he lived in a different city)....I told him that I thought that we were too different and thanked him...I did this as nicely as possible. I hated to do it...I don't like hurting people's feelings...but it had to be done. He was quiet on the phone...said something to the effect of "if that's what you want". And I thought we were done. Apparently not. On came the negative e-mail onslaught. He had decided to tell me everything that was wrong with me and why I was still single! He talked about my too wide hips and large legs, my opinionated nature, my chipped tooth, my lack of reading intellect, my need to adjust menu items and so much more.... I thought..."really? Who does he think he is?". I will admit that the words stung when first read...but then came the anger...he barely knew me! We had e-mailed for a couple of months, talked on the phone a couple more...before meeting.... I unfortunately let the anger get the best of me...I hadn't planned to respond to his childish drivel....but I couldn't help the snarkiness that came out. I sent back one sentence. Why did you continue to ask me on dates then? Oh yeah...I was stupid....I can't believe I didn't see this coming....damn naivety! At least his response was the final email. He responded "Ugly girls are easy fucks."
I took a deep breath. This was hard. I knew he was just lashing out...but he was pointing out some things that I had been trying to get past...some "soft spots" that I struggled with... Inherently I know that I am a good, worthwhile person. But if you continuously get the message that you are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough, etc...you start to believe it. I had this nagging little voice that he was right....that I had to keep battling. In the end...I am so glad I went with my gut on this one....it goes show that it takes a while to really get to know someone...and that small things do make a difference...if you catch them right away.
I decided to keep trying...so on to the next one!
:)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Autopsy File #501
Upon moving back to Michigan I connected with some friends from high school...they had a Sunday dinner at their house once a month (sometimes twice)...soup in the winter and BBQ in the summer. (I really want to start doing that here...) I was invited to these dinners...this is where I met Mr. WoW (World of Warcraft)....we were competitive on the Wii and became friends. One afternoon I was heading towards his side of town for an appointment and I wanted to have sushi...we both talked about our love of sushi...I invited him to join me...somehow after that we started hanging out regularly (dating)...to the surprise of the group (apparently we seemed mismatched)...It was good for about two months....then we had our first fight.
I had asked him to help me get my kayak...he agreed. He forgot and went to lunch instead. When he didn't respond to my call or text, some other people tried to help me. We ended up throwing it in the back of the Jeep. Shortly after--he called me. I am upset. Somehow he forgot when he told me that he always had lunch on Tuesdays with a friend. "Oops...ah well". I don't ask for a lot of help with things....and I was furious at his statement. He neglected to remember a weekly lunch that has been going on for a year when I asked...and then he completely forgot about helping me when he said he would. It was a mistake....he responded flippantly and did not apologize. I realized that he was being defensive because I am so angry... I take a breath and start crying. I understand mistakes....but I want my feelings to be acknowledged when I am in a relationship (even if they aren't completely understood) I hate being placated and my emotions downplayed (and even being told that they were not what they are or even wrong)--I grew up with that....I refuse to live with that the rest of my life...thank God for adulthood!
So what do I do? I tell him this...I tell him what I need. I apologize for being angry--explain it is the remark and the reaction not the forgetting.... You would think this would be a good thing (clear communication)....but as usual...I have apparently done the wrong thing. We fight. I ask him if he actually even cares...or if this is just a passing time kind of thing....then I leave.
He comes over to my apartment that night. All day long he was thinking about what I said before I left. And he has come to the realization that he wasn't the long term type of guy for me. (I say "ok"--and think in the back of my head...what a cop-out!) he keeps explaining and talking...brings up the heart condition, how he doesn't want anyone to depend on him (again I say "ok"...and I'm thinking...just get it over with...)...and he keeps going....and going....for over almost two hours! I think I have said "ok" 72 times. Then I finally say...I think you should leave...and he does.
Only after he shuts the door do I cry. I start processing what happened. It was the weirdest break up ever. But...it was the best one. He talked to me...explained his feelings...I didn't have to understand--just accept. He respected me to tell me why...and to make sure I was ok. There is a first time for everything! My only concern was our mutual friends....I knew there would be discomfort when we ended up at the same places (at least at first)....and there was.
After a few months...we started talking again...and it was great. It was the first time I had an autopsy WITH an ex. We talked things out...I understood his side...he told me that I was weird because I didn't fight or scream or call names. I laughed and told him...what was I supposed to do? try to convince you otherwise? you don't want me...you don't want me. Apparently, I am different from every other girl he has ever known! LOL I told him I knew that...I missed that class in high school! We realized that we were so much better as friends. Communication is sooooo refreshing (this is the class that people with penises tend to skip en masse). It was a little weird when he started dating and then married his "Tuesday Lunch Date"...but I could tell that it was a great love match for both of them. I was ecstatic! (a little sad for myself at not finding "the one" yet...but happy for him nonetheless)...
WoW helped to show me that there are indeed some decent guys out there. He and I weren't a match...but it gave me hope. I've since lost touch with him since he has a family now (isn't that the way)....but I am glad that I got to know him.
I had asked him to help me get my kayak...he agreed. He forgot and went to lunch instead. When he didn't respond to my call or text, some other people tried to help me. We ended up throwing it in the back of the Jeep. Shortly after--he called me. I am upset. Somehow he forgot when he told me that he always had lunch on Tuesdays with a friend. "Oops...ah well". I don't ask for a lot of help with things....and I was furious at his statement. He neglected to remember a weekly lunch that has been going on for a year when I asked...and then he completely forgot about helping me when he said he would. It was a mistake....he responded flippantly and did not apologize. I realized that he was being defensive because I am so angry... I take a breath and start crying. I understand mistakes....but I want my feelings to be acknowledged when I am in a relationship (even if they aren't completely understood) I hate being placated and my emotions downplayed (and even being told that they were not what they are or even wrong)--I grew up with that....I refuse to live with that the rest of my life...thank God for adulthood!
So what do I do? I tell him this...I tell him what I need. I apologize for being angry--explain it is the remark and the reaction not the forgetting.... You would think this would be a good thing (clear communication)....but as usual...I have apparently done the wrong thing. We fight. I ask him if he actually even cares...or if this is just a passing time kind of thing....then I leave.
He comes over to my apartment that night. All day long he was thinking about what I said before I left. And he has come to the realization that he wasn't the long term type of guy for me. (I say "ok"--and think in the back of my head...what a cop-out!) he keeps explaining and talking...brings up the heart condition, how he doesn't want anyone to depend on him (again I say "ok"...and I'm thinking...just get it over with...)...and he keeps going....and going....for over almost two hours! I think I have said "ok" 72 times. Then I finally say...I think you should leave...and he does.
Only after he shuts the door do I cry. I start processing what happened. It was the weirdest break up ever. But...it was the best one. He talked to me...explained his feelings...I didn't have to understand--just accept. He respected me to tell me why...and to make sure I was ok. There is a first time for everything! My only concern was our mutual friends....I knew there would be discomfort when we ended up at the same places (at least at first)....and there was.
After a few months...we started talking again...and it was great. It was the first time I had an autopsy WITH an ex. We talked things out...I understood his side...he told me that I was weird because I didn't fight or scream or call names. I laughed and told him...what was I supposed to do? try to convince you otherwise? you don't want me...you don't want me. Apparently, I am different from every other girl he has ever known! LOL I told him I knew that...I missed that class in high school! We realized that we were so much better as friends. Communication is sooooo refreshing (this is the class that people with penises tend to skip en masse). It was a little weird when he started dating and then married his "Tuesday Lunch Date"...but I could tell that it was a great love match for both of them. I was ecstatic! (a little sad for myself at not finding "the one" yet...but happy for him nonetheless)...
WoW helped to show me that there are indeed some decent guys out there. He and I weren't a match...but it gave me hope. I've since lost touch with him since he has a family now (isn't that the way)....but I am glad that I got to know him.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Is there really an end to gender?
I really hope there is not an end to gender. I really like being a girl! Yeah there are times when I wish I were a man because something would be easier...but in the end...I can carry life--they can't do that.... my uterus makes me much, much cooler... :) [sorry people with penises!]
So apparently it is a big deal that this Canadian couple is not telling the gender of thier child...and a mom paints her kids toenails pink...I read the NPR article that points to a neutralization of gender. I agree with talking about humankind instead of mankind because words (as I have said before) are very powerful...in exclusion and inclusion. I don't get offended when it is not used...I mean...we have been talking like this for hundreds of years...gonna be hard to change....but a slow one works for me. So this got me thinking...I have a book in the store called My Princess Boy. It is a book about acceptance. We really get freaked out when boys play with dolls and girls play with guns...and if boys wear pink... Why? really it is the fear of the kids being different...but if we change things...will the kids actually grow up to be: eek....homosexual? eek eek... transgender? eek eek eek...something more horrifying? (as if any of these are the end of the world...now--Lukemia...that one sucks....maybe that is what I should be worrying about...)
I don't think that is the case at all--this is a societal thing.... (not gender--but the freaking out when stereotypes are not matched). For example....pink used to be a boy color (as a toned down red and red is a strong, mans color) and girls wore blue (because the Virgin Mary was seen in blue). So "Storm" the androgynous Canadian child may wear yellow until it decides on a color it likes....how refreshing will it be.... having the choice to try or like something without being told it is something wrong based on cultural norms? won't that cause identity issues you say? Really, I wouldn't think so...he/she may be teased you say? really? every child is teased...it sucks...it is part of growing up. I think giving a child a strong sense of self and the ability to be who they want--with no repercussions might just give an edge when those bullies come around....they won't worry as much about what other kids think of them....because they know how cool they are already...(trust me...it is SO much better if they get this now....)
So really what I am saying...is let them figure out who they are... with out telling them they are wrong for "trying out" different things....and always, always, always remind kids why they are so awesome, what is so great about them and that they are worth something (even if they don't fit the the "parents" dreams)....
So apparently it is a big deal that this Canadian couple is not telling the gender of thier child...and a mom paints her kids toenails pink...I read the NPR article that points to a neutralization of gender. I agree with talking about humankind instead of mankind because words (as I have said before) are very powerful...in exclusion and inclusion. I don't get offended when it is not used...I mean...we have been talking like this for hundreds of years...gonna be hard to change....but a slow one works for me. So this got me thinking...I have a book in the store called My Princess Boy. It is a book about acceptance. We really get freaked out when boys play with dolls and girls play with guns...and if boys wear pink... Why? really it is the fear of the kids being different...but if we change things...will the kids actually grow up to be: eek....homosexual? eek eek... transgender? eek eek eek...something more horrifying? (as if any of these are the end of the world...now--Lukemia...that one sucks....maybe that is what I should be worrying about...)
I don't think that is the case at all--this is a societal thing.... (not gender--but the freaking out when stereotypes are not matched). For example....pink used to be a boy color (as a toned down red and red is a strong, mans color) and girls wore blue (because the Virgin Mary was seen in blue). So "Storm" the androgynous Canadian child may wear yellow until it decides on a color it likes....how refreshing will it be.... having the choice to try or like something without being told it is something wrong based on cultural norms? won't that cause identity issues you say? Really, I wouldn't think so...he/she may be teased you say? really? every child is teased...it sucks...it is part of growing up. I think giving a child a strong sense of self and the ability to be who they want--with no repercussions might just give an edge when those bullies come around....they won't worry as much about what other kids think of them....because they know how cool they are already...(trust me...it is SO much better if they get this now....)
So really what I am saying...is let them figure out who they are... with out telling them they are wrong for "trying out" different things....and always, always, always remind kids why they are so awesome, what is so great about them and that they are worth something (even if they don't fit the the "parents" dreams)....
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Autopsy File #408
So...since I ditched the internet scene....and decided that random casual sex was not for me...I wasn't expecting any opportunities. I was involved with several things....and had no time to add more... Strangely, after asking our Director of Operations if he would provide karate classes, it turned out to be an interesting....partnership...
The Mr. Tequila and I had worked together for years...we were always a bit flirty (he liked my feisty side!)...but in the nearly 6 years I had worked there... (he had been going through a divorce...twice...not the best risk :)...I hadn't really noticed him as any thing else.... When he started teaching karate at the Club, I told the kids I would take classes with them....
One thing led to another and we were dating...We were having a great time going out on the town....it started to break apart when we were not out (but I digress)....I learned a lot about the cultural "machismo"...as Mr. Tequila was Mexican. Really...machismo equals objectification....at least that is what I learned. He always wanted to do things his way...never taking into account my feelings or opinions... I was really frustrated by this behavior...and knew it wouldn't last. After only 3 weeks...it was enough to drive me crazy! He tried to make a move on me in the copy room!!! Our boss was right around the corner....eek!! I told him to stop...but he thought he was funny (seeing the problem here?)
But, I had already agreed to help set up for his daughter's birthday party (but told him I would not be attending the party) His kids came to the Clubs and I said I would never date a parent....yeah...this one was a co-worker too...double trouble!! So, I told him early on...I would not be around his kids in a private setting...these things had to be separate... After his daughters party...he texted me that the adults were going out...it sounded fun so I went. I dropped my Jeep off at his place...I knew I would be drinking. We decided to play cards at his house (I agreed...so I could sober up and drive home). But, apparently "other" plans were made...his friends exchanged a glance which I am sure they thought I missed...yeah I saw a set up....(they wanted to play strip poker! --which I did of course....that is the only poker I tend to win ;)!) too bad Mr. Tequila wasn't going to get what he wanted....not that he asked....he just assumed. I would not do anything to lead him on...but I knew he was a bad idea.
His friends left and we decided to watch a movie....it was now about 1:30am...and I was thinking about leaving--knowing that he would put the moves on me....which he did....when all of the sudden, I hear from upstairs "Daddy, I'm thirsty". I freak! I had asked him where the kids were before I came over--he said his mother's. I was mortified...she was 9! She knew me...she saw me! I was done. He went upstairs, I left a note and left.
I was concerned about how things would play out at work (and thankfully we didn't work in the same building). He was angry that I left and told me so (big surprise!). But, actually I think all of the divorces (three total) must have helped him....things were fine. He even helped me out six months later (I had already moved back to Michigan, but was in Indy because I couldn't switch the plane ticket) by getting an extra set of keys and storage for my Jeep when it was found broken into at the Club I used to work at....it was very, very nice (I was in Florida--Jeep in Indy). It was at the time...the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me....especially an ex.
I moved back to Michigan...and wasn't sure if it was even worth the bother to look around....I was so tired....tired of not being treated properly, of being looked at as only an "outlet"...really? was there ANYTHING else???
The Mr. Tequila and I had worked together for years...we were always a bit flirty (he liked my feisty side!)...but in the nearly 6 years I had worked there... (he had been going through a divorce...twice...not the best risk :)...I hadn't really noticed him as any thing else.... When he started teaching karate at the Club, I told the kids I would take classes with them....
One thing led to another and we were dating...We were having a great time going out on the town....it started to break apart when we were not out (but I digress)....I learned a lot about the cultural "machismo"...as Mr. Tequila was Mexican. Really...machismo equals objectification....at least that is what I learned. He always wanted to do things his way...never taking into account my feelings or opinions... I was really frustrated by this behavior...and knew it wouldn't last. After only 3 weeks...it was enough to drive me crazy! He tried to make a move on me in the copy room!!! Our boss was right around the corner....eek!! I told him to stop...but he thought he was funny (seeing the problem here?)
But, I had already agreed to help set up for his daughter's birthday party (but told him I would not be attending the party) His kids came to the Clubs and I said I would never date a parent....yeah...this one was a co-worker too...double trouble!! So, I told him early on...I would not be around his kids in a private setting...these things had to be separate... After his daughters party...he texted me that the adults were going out...it sounded fun so I went. I dropped my Jeep off at his place...I knew I would be drinking. We decided to play cards at his house (I agreed...so I could sober up and drive home). But, apparently "other" plans were made...his friends exchanged a glance which I am sure they thought I missed...yeah I saw a set up....(they wanted to play strip poker! --which I did of course....that is the only poker I tend to win ;)!) too bad Mr. Tequila wasn't going to get what he wanted....not that he asked....he just assumed. I would not do anything to lead him on...but I knew he was a bad idea.
His friends left and we decided to watch a movie....it was now about 1:30am...and I was thinking about leaving--knowing that he would put the moves on me....which he did....when all of the sudden, I hear from upstairs "Daddy, I'm thirsty". I freak! I had asked him where the kids were before I came over--he said his mother's. I was mortified...she was 9! She knew me...she saw me! I was done. He went upstairs, I left a note and left.
I was concerned about how things would play out at work (and thankfully we didn't work in the same building). He was angry that I left and told me so (big surprise!). But, actually I think all of the divorces (three total) must have helped him....things were fine. He even helped me out six months later (I had already moved back to Michigan, but was in Indy because I couldn't switch the plane ticket) by getting an extra set of keys and storage for my Jeep when it was found broken into at the Club I used to work at....it was very, very nice (I was in Florida--Jeep in Indy). It was at the time...the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me....especially an ex.
I moved back to Michigan...and wasn't sure if it was even worth the bother to look around....I was so tired....tired of not being treated properly, of being looked at as only an "outlet"...really? was there ANYTHING else???
Friday, July 15, 2011
All my Friends are Dead
I recently got this book at the store called "All my Friends are Dead". It is a hilarious parodied kids book. It starts with a dinosaur commenting that all his friends are dead and goes from there....I especially like the tree saying all his friends were end tables....and then a lumberjack helps him out... :)
And I started thinking about this book at the store yesterday when I had several groups of friends come in and hang out. I had many great conversations...and well...I realized...that most of my friends are dead! I mean this in a metaphorical sense. Our friendships have changed so drastically over they years, that really...what they were.... are well...dead. As I watched my customers just hang out and just be....I really felt that I missed that. Now, all of my friends must bring their significant other at every outing....togetherness is one of the cool things in relationships....but, sometimes you just wanna hang out with your friends...with them making no other concessions for another person. This is the interesting thing about growing up... and being the only single friend. It used to really bother me when I was the third, fifth, seventh, ninth... wheel. It doesn't so much any more....but occasionally I would like to be one of the gang...not the unattached one.
And I started thinking about this book at the store yesterday when I had several groups of friends come in and hang out. I had many great conversations...and well...I realized...that most of my friends are dead! I mean this in a metaphorical sense. Our friendships have changed so drastically over they years, that really...what they were.... are well...dead. As I watched my customers just hang out and just be....I really felt that I missed that. Now, all of my friends must bring their significant other at every outing....togetherness is one of the cool things in relationships....but, sometimes you just wanna hang out with your friends...with them making no other concessions for another person. This is the interesting thing about growing up... and being the only single friend. It used to really bother me when I was the third, fifth, seventh, ninth... wheel. It doesn't so much any more....but occasionally I would like to be one of the gang...not the unattached one.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
YOU. DON'T. KNOW. ME. AT. ALL!
Here is my bitch and moan for the day: This boy (and at the moment it is the only appropriate moniker) and I are organizing an event together. When I agreed, I thought it would be interesting because we are both strong willed, strong personalitied people...but I figured it would be a good learning experience as I also had a passion for the event.
I have bitten my tongue, compromised more often than I probably should have and used different "people skills" tactics throughout the planning of this event. My initial reaction to many things said or done were frustration...and I wanted to dig in and fight. But...I decided that I would not cut off my nose to spite my face (again another time when I have really experienced the phenomena that inspires the quip)....I had to step outside of myself and work with what was for the greater good...not just my ideal picture of the event....and yes that means giving up or giving in on some things where practicality won out. This level of compromise has been uneven.
My event partner has the tendency to be a control freak and possessive about "his stuff". He is not one to compromise at all. In the spirit of a successful event (I have planned many of these--it was basically my job for 12 years--the largest event had over 5000 people in attendance....so I kinda know what I am doing...) I have used the almost all of the skills honed over the years of working with vast and varied personalities...in the planning of this event. The biggest difference is that I am planning this event with a friend, whom I respect. The event was his idea--it didn't occur to me to try to do one here....AND it was a good idea--I wished I had thought of it myself....after his first choice of partner declined, he asked me to partner (a boost to the esteem, I know...). In case you were wondering, the biggest problem is this--he and I have vastly different understandings of partnership and team work:
So in the interest of clarity....
We divvied up jobs....I had more of the "pound the pavement" kind of jobs....talking to businesses, the city, the chamber....you know...community buy-in type of things...he was working on promotion (website, fliers, etc...). We utilized our strengths. I would have never agreed to do this if I had known that I wasn't respected and trusted. Because, without that...I am just being USED as a means to an end...and I am sorry...THAT. AIN'T. GONNA. HAPPEN.
As we got into this...and well after I had already talked to community members and businesses and had MY NAME, MY BUSINESS, MY REPUTATION already attached to it...I was stuck. I wanted to back out....but I could not. I feel a sense of personal responsibility with these things...if I tell people I will do something...I do it (or in extreme cases explain why I can no longer do so). But I realized that I was wrong--I was neither TRUSTED nor RESPECTED by this person I called a friend.
I am a doer...if you do not want to talk about things...or not respond to questions or e-mails...basically not communicate...I give it a week or so (and a few tries--always give it a chance) and if not...you have dropped the ball and I am picking it up. This is my personality. Remember, my name is on this...I will not let it fail. I am sorry your ego was bruised in the mean time. I always think of the bigger picture....this is how events get done. Nothing was meant as a personal attack. But you turned it into one.
In the planning of this event there have been a myriad of personality based issues....some backlash over things I have done or suggested. I have grown increasingly frustrated by the lack of communication and the passive-aggressive maneuvers. I have attempted to communicate this fact. But, today takes the cake. I tried to work with him when he blasted my blog attempt--tore it apart and found nothing good in it--he did not thank me...just said it was the wrong type of blog for our event....then took the other one I worked on and re-wrote it....and sent it back to me (I did not ask). (it was a better re-write, but it was a draft--I would have prettied it up.... and well.... it is the principle of the thing). I worked with him when he was trying to order me around like I was his helper and not his partner...like I was a bumbling idiot and he was the all-knowing director....Best guess at a reason why: he was mad he was not consulted and the blog was his baby. I worked on compromise and diffusing the situation (at the expense of my pride and I really worked hard not to lash back--as is my nature)...because I believe in the event...and working together as a team will make this better than either one of us doing it on our own....and again my name is already attached to it.
Admittedly, after several subtle attempts I had been directly pointing out that he was having an issue with control and trust in this event based on his actions and communications....I was frustrated and was trying to get my point across in a non-threatening manner. I am aware of the fragile male ego....but I will not stroke it unless it is true and warranted. Respect me and you will receive respect. Yesterday, I was super excited that my work on community buy-in was paying off....the local weekly internet magazine expressed interest in using the event for a cover and interviewing me regarding the event. This was fantastic news! The word was getting out! I was so excited...so I shared the news with my partner!!
After I sent the e-mail I realized it sounded one sided...and well...I was in a silly mood. So, I followed up with another e-mail teasingly poking at his need for "tweedy control" and reminding him of trust (because of course I mentioned his role!...and, based on previous interactions, I figured he would be miffed that he wasn't the one asked for an interview--but logically, the connection was mine, therefore they would speak to me).....and told him that they would probably interview both of us and that they had been looking at the blog etc... Again, I thought he would be excited--I was wrong. From my perspective, we are friends...he teases me mercilessly....I thought this is how we were....wrong again.
I received a very childish and passive-aggressive response. He was angry and it came across very clearly that he felt I was "stealing his glory"...taking all the credit and conversely he completely diminished the hard work I had put in...and said that he couldn't trust me to have tact. Really?
First, after all of this time--he does not know me at all...I am a behind the scenes kind of person....when I speak in the community--I talk about the store, not myself or my accomplishments. I don't need that kind of parade....a successful event is reward enough--he can walk around with the gold-star stuck to his chest.
Secondly, the unrestrained blunt girl that I am comes out amongst friends...because I TRUST them enough to be ME around them...I know that I often put my foot in my mouth and things don't always come out the right way...and I often choose not to sugar coat and mince words...(because it is more effective communication in my opinion)....but my FRIENDS know that and accept that about me. I am a completely different person professionally and in the community. I am very capable and have been very successful in event planning/public situations....I have freakin' awards! Doing something so against my nature wears me out....but it is worth it in the end. Additionally I have never once pushed the issue that I have much more and diverse experience in this area...not once....he has great connections here...and that is definitely a major bonus....but I won't pull the "experience" rank...I respect him more than that....
So...what will I do about this e-mail?
NOTHING. I will not dignify the childishness with a response. I expect my friends to respect me....somehow I was blind to it before....but there is none there. I will vent my frustrations here in my blog...thankfully he was not invited to view it :) I am choosing not to have another conversation until adult terms are agreed upon. I deserve that.
I have bitten my tongue, compromised more often than I probably should have and used different "people skills" tactics throughout the planning of this event. My initial reaction to many things said or done were frustration...and I wanted to dig in and fight. But...I decided that I would not cut off my nose to spite my face (again another time when I have really experienced the phenomena that inspires the quip)....I had to step outside of myself and work with what was for the greater good...not just my ideal picture of the event....and yes that means giving up or giving in on some things where practicality won out. This level of compromise has been uneven.
My event partner has the tendency to be a control freak and possessive about "his stuff". He is not one to compromise at all. In the spirit of a successful event (I have planned many of these--it was basically my job for 12 years--the largest event had over 5000 people in attendance....so I kinda know what I am doing...) I have used the almost all of the skills honed over the years of working with vast and varied personalities...in the planning of this event. The biggest difference is that I am planning this event with a friend, whom I respect. The event was his idea--it didn't occur to me to try to do one here....AND it was a good idea--I wished I had thought of it myself....after his first choice of partner declined, he asked me to partner (a boost to the esteem, I know...). In case you were wondering, the biggest problem is this--he and I have vastly different understandings of partnership and team work:
So in the interest of clarity....
| — n | |
| 1. | an ally or companion: a partner in crime |
| 2. | a member of a partnership |
| 3. | one of a pair of dancers or players on the same side in a game:my bridge partner |
| 4. | either member of a couple in a relationship |
We divvied up jobs....I had more of the "pound the pavement" kind of jobs....talking to businesses, the city, the chamber....you know...community buy-in type of things...he was working on promotion (website, fliers, etc...). We utilized our strengths. I would have never agreed to do this if I had known that I wasn't respected and trusted. Because, without that...I am just being USED as a means to an end...and I am sorry...THAT. AIN'T. GONNA. HAPPEN.
As we got into this...and well after I had already talked to community members and businesses and had MY NAME, MY BUSINESS, MY REPUTATION already attached to it...I was stuck. I wanted to back out....but I could not. I feel a sense of personal responsibility with these things...if I tell people I will do something...I do it (or in extreme cases explain why I can no longer do so). But I realized that I was wrong--I was neither TRUSTED nor RESPECTED by this person I called a friend.
I am a doer...if you do not want to talk about things...or not respond to questions or e-mails...basically not communicate...I give it a week or so (and a few tries--always give it a chance) and if not...you have dropped the ball and I am picking it up. This is my personality. Remember, my name is on this...I will not let it fail. I am sorry your ego was bruised in the mean time. I always think of the bigger picture....this is how events get done. Nothing was meant as a personal attack. But you turned it into one.
In the planning of this event there have been a myriad of personality based issues....some backlash over things I have done or suggested. I have grown increasingly frustrated by the lack of communication and the passive-aggressive maneuvers. I have attempted to communicate this fact. But, today takes the cake. I tried to work with him when he blasted my blog attempt--tore it apart and found nothing good in it--he did not thank me...just said it was the wrong type of blog for our event....then took the other one I worked on and re-wrote it....and sent it back to me (I did not ask). (it was a better re-write, but it was a draft--I would have prettied it up.... and well.... it is the principle of the thing). I worked with him when he was trying to order me around like I was his helper and not his partner...like I was a bumbling idiot and he was the all-knowing director....Best guess at a reason why: he was mad he was not consulted and the blog was his baby. I worked on compromise and diffusing the situation (at the expense of my pride and I really worked hard not to lash back--as is my nature)...because I believe in the event...and working together as a team will make this better than either one of us doing it on our own....and again my name is already attached to it.
Admittedly, after several subtle attempts I had been directly pointing out that he was having an issue with control and trust in this event based on his actions and communications....I was frustrated and was trying to get my point across in a non-threatening manner. I am aware of the fragile male ego....but I will not stroke it unless it is true and warranted. Respect me and you will receive respect. Yesterday, I was super excited that my work on community buy-in was paying off....the local weekly internet magazine expressed interest in using the event for a cover and interviewing me regarding the event. This was fantastic news! The word was getting out! I was so excited...so I shared the news with my partner!!
After I sent the e-mail I realized it sounded one sided...and well...I was in a silly mood. So, I followed up with another e-mail teasingly poking at his need for "tweedy control" and reminding him of trust (because of course I mentioned his role!...and, based on previous interactions, I figured he would be miffed that he wasn't the one asked for an interview--but logically, the connection was mine, therefore they would speak to me).....and told him that they would probably interview both of us and that they had been looking at the blog etc... Again, I thought he would be excited--I was wrong. From my perspective, we are friends...he teases me mercilessly....I thought this is how we were....wrong again.
I received a very childish and passive-aggressive response. He was angry and it came across very clearly that he felt I was "stealing his glory"...taking all the credit and conversely he completely diminished the hard work I had put in...and said that he couldn't trust me to have tact. Really?
First, after all of this time--he does not know me at all...I am a behind the scenes kind of person....when I speak in the community--I talk about the store, not myself or my accomplishments. I don't need that kind of parade....a successful event is reward enough--he can walk around with the gold-star stuck to his chest.
Secondly, the unrestrained blunt girl that I am comes out amongst friends...because I TRUST them enough to be ME around them...I know that I often put my foot in my mouth and things don't always come out the right way...and I often choose not to sugar coat and mince words...(because it is more effective communication in my opinion)....but my FRIENDS know that and accept that about me. I am a completely different person professionally and in the community. I am very capable and have been very successful in event planning/public situations....I have freakin' awards! Doing something so against my nature wears me out....but it is worth it in the end. Additionally I have never once pushed the issue that I have much more and diverse experience in this area...not once....he has great connections here...and that is definitely a major bonus....but I won't pull the "experience" rank...I respect him more than that....
So...what will I do about this e-mail?
NOTHING. I will not dignify the childishness with a response. I expect my friends to respect me....somehow I was blind to it before....but there is none there. I will vent my frustrations here in my blog...thankfully he was not invited to view it :) I am choosing not to have another conversation until adult terms are agreed upon. I deserve that.
Autopsy File #407
Ok...needless to say I was almost over this internet dating thing...after the Nurse I decided to give one final guy a chance. I had been talking to this guy for awhile and really wasn't sure about him. Just from the internet communications, I wasn't getting a strong vibe....but some people are different online, and this was his first stab at it. I decided to give him a chance. After date one, I still did not get the warm fuzzies...but there were no deal breakers or major annoyances...so I decided I would give it one more shot.... So, on to date numero dos... at dinner...during conversation, I was feeling that things were going better...maybe he was just nervous before...
As he walked me back to my car, he started talking about his ex-wife. This surprised me because there was no mention of her or that he was a divorcee on his profile. I cannot stand lying....major deal breaker! So, I asked him why he failed to mention this information. His response: "Because of her we both went to jail for spousal abuse". What?!! Oh yeah...I was totally done!! I got into my car and left. The Ex-Con as I now call him... tried texting me....I would not respond. I felt bad about leaving without reason (I hate when people do this to me). So I went home and e-mailed him. I explained that I didn't think that we were well matched, thanked him for dinner and told him I was sorry. The ex-con was the last straw with eHarmony. After nearly a year, I had found no one even resembling a potential. That night, I closed my account.
I learned that I should go with my gut and most people misrepresent themselves online. I didn't think to do that...it is way too much work to try to be someone you are not...and I won't do it. Besides....think logically, people! It will be figured out eventually that you are not who you say you are!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
DISCLAIMER
Recently I had a conversation with one of my friends about my blog....she said it was at times extremely negative...and she is right. The purpose of this blog is to tell my story (as I saw it at the time)...and the journey to this point. And yes....I DID feel extremely negative and disheartened at various points in the last 15 years of my life. But that is not where I am at now...yes I still have moments...we all do. And there are days that I can still be extremely negative....but they are less and less frequent. I am not looking for pity party or trying to be a victim. I am recalling the steps in this journey and how it has shaped me....and how I am changing my outlook. The good and the bad are both a part of me. I have built this great wall of Kim that has attempted to shield me from getting hurt again...and this is part of the process of tearing it down...and truthfully...I am scared shitless. I try so hard to protect myself...to not be vulnerable...to not show someone that I care or the real me until I know them well enough that I think they won't hurt me. But that is no way to live...it made me negative...and unhappy....and lonely. I have had many, many wonderful things happen in my life over the last 15 years....but I have let the negatives that I blog about (the autopsy files)...overshadow those things. That had to stop. I am unraveling the pretzel sheep into something completely different...I am not sure what (but I am sure it has to do with a goat! LOL)
Autopsy File #406
So....after writing the firefighter off....I took a break from meeting anyone....but I was still communicating...with the Nurse. The Nurse was actually a former EMT who changed jobs due to burn out.....not sure why that is relevant...but it is what I remember :) He was funny, kinda cute and seemed pretty smart. So after a while...I figured it might be fun to meet him face to face. On our 3rd date we were supposed to meet at the amusement park. My car was in the shop so he offered to pick me up. Not wanting to have a virtual stranger in my house, I had a friend pose as my "roommate"...she went to walk my dog as soon as he came to the door (not going far). met him at the door and he asked if he could use the restroom. I said sure and offered a tour of my house. When I showed him my room (had to go through it to access the bathroom) he came up behind me and poked at me with his penis in an effort to suggest that we should "have some fun before going out". I ignored it and kept going. He came out of the bathroom and met me in the living room.
Apparently while in the restroom, he received a "call" to go back to work....I said that I was confused, since he was the one who picked this night as it was one of the two nights he wasn't on call this week. He just said he had to go. I never heard from him again. I tried texting once...and received no response... Curious...I saw that I had been removed/blocked from a match online. Stumped I tried to figure out what had happened. We hadn't done anything...I didn't think I said anything (which is usually my problem---I open my mouth am misunderstood and they go a runnin!).... I talked to some of my friends...and the consensus was that he just wanted to get laid! Again?! Really? Is that ALL that they want? nothing more?
I started to think that if I had any chance at going past "dating" that I would have to consider relaxing my own rules....I didn't want to...but I was getting older and the pickings more sparse....I guess sex is all they really want....sigh....
Apparently while in the restroom, he received a "call" to go back to work....I said that I was confused, since he was the one who picked this night as it was one of the two nights he wasn't on call this week. He just said he had to go. I never heard from him again. I tried texting once...and received no response... Curious...I saw that I had been removed/blocked from a match online. Stumped I tried to figure out what had happened. We hadn't done anything...I didn't think I said anything (which is usually my problem---I open my mouth am misunderstood and they go a runnin!).... I talked to some of my friends...and the consensus was that he just wanted to get laid! Again?! Really? Is that ALL that they want? nothing more?
I started to think that if I had any chance at going past "dating" that I would have to consider relaxing my own rules....I didn't want to...but I was getting older and the pickings more sparse....I guess sex is all they really want....sigh....
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sex sells?
I ran across this blog about how condoms are doing well in this economy...go figure! Pregnancy and kids are expensive....and if you don't currently have a job or are underemployed.....this makes fiscal sense. Additionally, unfortunately services for women have been under fire because of the 2% of abortions performed...so women controlled birth control is much more difficult to get. But I won't get into that so much now...but I have a blog planned for later on this subject :)
Really...this writer is hilarious....you should read it! At one point he says: "Why are condoms up while the rest of the economy goes flaccid?" LOL it's a fun read!
http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/humannature/archive/2009/02/12/sex-is-cheap.aspx?wpisrc=obnetwork
Really...this writer is hilarious....you should read it! At one point he says: "Why are condoms up while the rest of the economy goes flaccid?" LOL it's a fun read!
http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/humannature/archive/2009/02/12/sex-is-cheap.aspx?wpisrc=obnetwork
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